A while back ago I found out that my records for the Church are not able to be found so I am officially NOT a member of the Church. I have been thinking of being baptized again to become a member and that got me to start thinking of my original reasons for joining the Church.
When I first started going to church it was with my grandparents (Berta and Ed) because I wanted to get them back a better place spiritually. They were already members of the Church but had fallen away, my grandmother for various reasons and my grandfather with alcohol. I convinced them to start attending with me because, even though I was not a member of the Church, I believed in it. After a while I was informed that I had to start attending the YSA ward and not my grandparents ward and at first I resisted, I did not know anyone and I am sometimes not able to handle meeting new people. After a while I finally gave in and went to the YSA ward. I like it much to my surprise. Now I know the difference between true believers and those who just go because they have to, but back then I was new. The reason I liked it so much was that there were a couple of the younger people that I got along well with because we had the same bad habits. We smoked, we partied, we cussed, in general we were not following in Christ's example.
At the same time as all of that I was also speaking with David via telephone and we were going to try to start to have a relationship again. He had mentioned that he was attending church occasionally and I wanted to be able to share with him something I though was important to him. I thought if I were a member of the Church he would love me more and want me more. I thought if I were a better person, if I were a good person, like him, then he would love me like I loved him. So I was baptized into the Church. After I joined I found out that David was with someone else, that he was choosing someone else again to love. Oh how my heart broke again. But I stayed with the Church.
After time passed I started to realize the people I liked in the YSA ward were not truly believers. I started to separate myself from them and I started to become more of the person I wanted to be. I started bringing a friend of mine to church with me. Both to my YSA ward and the ward he would of been in in South Sac. A little bit of info about my friend that comes into play later...He is black. That is no big deal to me, we were good friends, I don't care if someone is purple, pink, green or any color. Anyway, we started attending church together and he was considering being baptized into the Church. His mother even attended with us and she actually was baptized into the Church. One day, after service I had someone come up to me, someone I had previously looked up to, the Bishop of my ward. He told me that he encouraged me to date someone else and that the Church did not accept biracial couples. After that day I did not go back to church. That was not the Church that I had grown to love and believe in.
I did not go back to church until David and I were married. I now know that what I was told was not true, it was a personal opinion of one man. I find myself hurt because of the separation I have had with the Church and yet at the same time I feel blessed because my records were lost. Blessed because looking back at the reasons I had joined the Church were not for me. Not the true me at any rate. They were for other people and for the person I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to be away from Christ's love anymore.
I think that this time, when I am baptized again, it will be for the right reasons. I will be doing it for me.
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