Breaking the cycle.

I have always had issues with trust. I believe that it started when I was just a baby when I was abused and molested by my father. That is only one aspect of the issues that I have. Because I felt let down by my mother and family for not protecting me,I didn't trust them either. Then in romantic relationships I have trust issues because all of the relationships I have had they ended badly because of lies and being cheated on.

That is why my marriage is ending. My husband decided that having emotional relationships with many woman was better than having the love and devotion of one woman. Now he is telling me that it is my fault, and that he has never loved me.

It took me a while to break through the anger I had at him to realize that what he told me is not true. I believe at one time he did love me and deeply. Because of the choices he has made and who is choosing to be he is trying to stop feeling guilty and trying to pass the fault onto me.

I refuse to accept the fault of his decision. I am not responsible for him breaking his lies and promises.

During our relationship he made me feel worthless, like I was not worthy of being loved. Not so much by his words but by his actions. He could say something until he was blue in the face but his actions always said something different. Something that went against his words.

My whole life I have been made to feel worthless. I was always left behind, last to be thought of, last to be cared about, but I was always the first one there when someone needed me. I think it may be time to break that cycle. It is also time for me to stop thinking that because of how they treated me that is who I am.

I need to start to love myself and to realize that I am better than I was treated in the past. I DESERVE to be loved the way that I love people. I deserve respect and I deserve loyalty. If I start to believe that, deep in my heart if I believe that then I know that I will find people to surround myself that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I am an amazing person, I find that hard to say right now but I will keep telling myself that because it is true. I have been through things that others find impossible and yet I am still standing strong. I must continue to tell myself that I am great and amazing because eventually my voice will drown out all the other voices telling me I am nothing.

What it does.

Disappointment in someone is hard to let go of. When someone acts in ways that are contrary to how you know them to be, it hurts. When you want the best for someone but they keep giving their worst, it is hard to walk away. When you see something amazing in someone but they don't want to be amazing because it is too hard, it is painful to see them fail.

When you hear the lies that fall from their lips, it breaks your heart. When you feel alone because they don't want to live up to their promises, it is a stab to the heart. When you devote yourself to making them happy only to have them throw it back at you, it is devastating.

When you have to choose to wait for a miracle or decide it is over, it breaks you.

How?

How do you live with a man who hurts you every chance he gets? When every time he picks up the phone or computer you wonder who he is talking to? When every time he looks at you, you wonder who he is thinking of and why they are more important than you?

How do you live with a man that you are starting to hate?

Plans.

Everyone keeps asking me what my plans are now that David has show his true colors. Since he said that he does not want to be with me anymore.

I never really know what to say when someone asks me that. I do not know what my plans are. I do not know where I am going, what I am doing or if I am staying with David or not. I just simply do not know. Right now all that I can feel is anger.

Anger at David, anger and my situation, anger that things are falling apart. I am so angry that David is doing this to me and he is not going to be facing any consequences. He is going to go back to Tennessee and his whole family will be there, welcoming him with open arms. His friends are going to be there and they are going to act like nothing is wrong. That David didn't destroy not only our relationship but me as well. He is going to go back to his life and is leaving my life in shreds.

He has all these people who are in his corner, who support him and love him even though he does not deserve that support. He is NOT going to have to make amends for what he has done. He is going to go on and NEVER have to face up to what he has done because he will be back to his "normal" life when he gets to Tennessee.

I am so angry that he is being treated like his is not in the wrong, like he is the victim in this relationship. Meanwhile I have no one supporting me. I have no one who has my back. No one in my corner saying it is OK. That I did nothing wrong, that I am not the cause of my relationship falling apart. All I have is David, who acts like EVERYTHING is my fault.

Every word I say, every motion I make, every single thing I do, I am in the wrong according to how David acts. Simply being alive is in the wrong as far as David is concerned. So while he is ripping apart our marriage, while he is talking to other women and then acting like it is my fault, everyone is looking at me like I am in the wrong, like I caused this.

I am the bad guy in the relationship. That is how David is going to tell it and that is what people are going to believe.

So I guess my plan for now is to just live, to concentrate on living, to try to remember why I should go on living. To remind myself that being alive is a good thing and to try my hardest to not just die.

So confused.

I have no idea what to think right now. First David said that he wants me to leave him and was talking about the possibility of a divorce. Then all day today and yesterday he is loving, attentive and caring. I have no idea what to think. I do know that I am getting whiplash from his mood swings.

I had individual counseling last Wednesday and it was suggested that I treat David worse than how he had been treating me. All day Friday I was like David. Moody, non-communicative, and I moped around the house. I didn't speak unless he spoke to me and I never interacted with him unless he initiated it. Saturday he was more affectionate and started speaking to me.

Saturday a friend of mine told me he was in love with me and I showed the conversation to David. He got really quiet and wanted time alone. After about an hour he came up, gave me a hug and said he loved me. Then he got online and started looking at houses that he thought I would like. He was basically planning our future again.

When I told him I was confused that he was doing that, he shrugged. When I asked why he said that we need to plan where we were going to be when he got out of the Army.

I have NO IDEA what he is doing. I have no idea what he is thinking. I just wish he could be one way and make up his mind. I am tired of this tug of war game he is playing.

No words.

David and I had our first counseling session today. Again, he said he wanted me to leave, that he didn't care if the marriage fell apart and admitted that he has cheated on me before the marriage and throughout the entire marriage.

The counselor was not even sure if we should continue with the counseling because of how uncaring David was. She said that she doesn't see in him any effort to try to work on the relationship and did not know if it will be effective at all.

She is also in agreement that his lack of caring is because of the medications and that even though he has cheated on me for so long he does care (about me, not the marriage). Her words were "somewhere in your heart you care, otherwise you wouldn't be here". I am not so sure he does care. I am not sure he CAN care. I am starting to think he is a sociopath.

I am starting individual counseling for myself tomorrow. I am not sure how that will work since right now all I want to do is die. It is so hard for me to not pick up my bottle of pills and just lay down to sleep forever.

It is so hard to think of life without him. I started looking at places to live and trying to see what the job market is like and it is hard for me to even just look. I try to hard to show no emotions while he is around but when he is gone it is all I can do to not cry.

Why am I so unlovable?

The End of My Marriage.

Dear David,

Our marriage is over. It was probably doomed from the start. No, we are not divorced, we are not even separated yet but regardless, our marriage is over. Although I am still with you physically, emotionally I am gone. I have moved on. No longer do I see you in my future, instead I just see me.

I may be a broken person now, I may be frightened of being alone again but I will survive. I will heal and, in time, I will be happy again. You, I think, will never heal. You will never be happy because you will never learn from your mistakes. You will never grow and realize that your mistakes do not have to define who you are.

I believe that people choose who they are going to be. You choose to be a cheater, a liar, a selfish man. Perhaps not selfish with monetary things, but with your emotions, time, affections. All the things that make relationships work, you are selfish with. You chose to be a man who emotionally abuses his wife. Who isolates his wife from everyone so that she has NO ONE, not even her husband.

In our relationship it has always been me giving you everything you need, love, support, encouragement. I spent so much time trying to build up your self image, trying to help you to see how amazing you could be. I spent so much time showing you my love, not just saying it with words but by how I treated you. In our relationship you just took, and took, and took. You rarely ever gave, and when you did give, it was to other women. I know that once and awhile you tried, I appreciate that you tried those few times, but it was maybe a handful of times in our entire marriage.

You spend so much time looking for greener pastures that you don't realize that you are killing what you already have. I know that I am not perfect and I know that I have made mistakes in the marriage. The difference is that when you told me something I was doing that you didn't like, I changed. I adapted my behavior and modified my attitude. I learned how to be a better wife to you based on your feedback to me. You didn't change for the positive.

You spend hours and hours talking with other women. Text messages, phone calls, facebook. Hours of time where you are more attentive to them, you are a better husband to women you are not even married to. Rarely did you stop and try to spend those hours on making your marriage better. You are so focused on other women that you have killed your marriage.

What you do not understand, even though I have told you, is that you change when you are talking to other women. You become a different man. You are no longer the man I loved. You haven't been that man in a long time. You say that you are this way because you feel nothing but despair and rage and I think you feel nothing but despair and rage because you are so guilty because of who you choose to be.

You had such amazing potential as a man. You could of been an amazing husband but chose instead to be who you now are. You are a cheater and I deserve better than that.

I will stay with you, physically, for now. I have no option at this point. I am ashamed that I have let you turn me into a victim. I will stay while I save up money so that when I do leave I will have options.

I know that you will move on quickly. You probably are already making plans to be with someone else once you get back to Tennessee. I also know that the woman you are talking to are also cheating on their partners with you. Perhaps if you are in a relationship with them and they cheat on you, you will realize the pain and hurt that you have inflicted on me. I will not hold my breath for that.





Laura,

I am not sure if you read this or not. It has been such a long time since I wrote anything in here you have probably forgotten I have this. If you DO read this, please, please, do not say anything to David. I know that me using him to save up money is wrong, I am ashamed that I have to do that but I have not worked in so long and it is impossible for me to work here because of transportation. I just need to be able to have money saved up so I CAN find work once I get back to the mainland. I am sorry that it seems I am taking advantage of your brother but I really don't see any alternative.

I loved having you as family. I don't really have a family that I want to associate with and when I met David's family and they accepted me I was so happy. I am not only loosing my husband but also my family so please do not be too mad at me.

I am sorry that I wasn't enough to make your brother happy.