David and I had our first counseling session today. Again, he said he wanted me to leave, that he didn't care if the marriage fell apart and admitted that he has cheated on me before the marriage and throughout the entire marriage.
The counselor was not even sure if we should continue with the counseling because of how uncaring David was. She said that she doesn't see in him any effort to try to work on the relationship and did not know if it will be effective at all.
She is also in agreement that his lack of caring is because of the medications and that even though he has cheated on me for so long he does care (about me, not the marriage). Her words were "somewhere in your heart you care, otherwise you wouldn't be here". I am not so sure he does care. I am not sure he CAN care. I am starting to think he is a sociopath.
I am starting individual counseling for myself tomorrow. I am not sure how that will work since right now all I want to do is die. It is so hard for me to not pick up my bottle of pills and just lay down to sleep forever.
It is so hard to think of life without him. I started looking at places to live and trying to see what the job market is like and it is hard for me to even just look. I try to hard to show no emotions while he is around but when he is gone it is all I can do to not cry.
Why am I so unlovable?
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