Updates.

A couple updates on my weight loss struggle. I have been trying to walk/jog a mile every time I go to work out plus other various weight training things to help tone up my muscles. I have just recently started jogging while I try to get the mile in and I have to say that it is hard for me to run and feel the icky fat bouncing around not to mention it is hard on "the girls" sometimes to run, but still I try. I had every intention of working out this morning but my wonderful husband got online and we spent a couple hours together talking and reading stuff and laughing together. It was wonderful to have a good time with him and laugh with him. So instead of going this morning I went this evening. I walked/jogged a mile in 17 minutes 26 seconds which is better than yesterdays time of 19 minutes and some odd seconds. So I am happy with the progress and I hope to keep improving.

I hate weighing myself but I feel like I need to keep a record of what is going on so here is the dates and weigh in results since I started trying to loose weight.

12/28/2010     304 lbs
01/14/2011      298 lbs
02/07/2011     300 lbs
02/27/2011     295 lbs

I must confess that I slacked off for a couple (OK more like three) weeks and did not work out but once or twice during that whole time. Now that I am actually trying to work out I am hoping to loose more.

Now as far as eating-yeah, um not going so great. I am trying to remember to eat each day but I have not been eating as much as I should nor have I been keeping track of what I am supposed to be eating. I fell off the wagon. :( I am going to work on being better at that.

My goal as of right now is to be wearing a size 14/16 jeans by the time David gets home! (plus last time I wore a size 12/14 I was at my ideal weight according to my doctors).

Embarrassing!!!

I was working out today and had my ear phones in. I had my phone in my pocket and I guess I forgot to turn it on silent. I am on one of the treadmills and there is a guy on the other treadmill. Unknown to me I get a text message, again I don't hear it because I have my ear phones in. So I start getting odd looks from this guy and I start to wonder what his problem was, finally I am done with my work out and leave. As I am walking out the door I look at my phone and there is a message waiting for me. My message alert is set to go off every two minutes and as I look back at the odd looks I was getting I realize why I was getting odd looks.

This is what my text message alert sounds like!

OOPS!!! lol

One more picture.

One more picture from my wild and crazy hair after I woke from a nap!

Sometimes you just have to let it be wild.

I woke up this morning after my first solid 3 hours of sleep in a while and when I walked past the mirror in the bathroom I had to do a double take. My hair was wild!!! Usually I like to have my hair very straight and with no volume but for some reason I like it this morning. It was kinda wavy, messy, I guess it was what people call "bed head" which I guess is appropriate since I just got up. Instead of attacking it with my brush and calming it down a bit I just let it be. Since my hair was wild I went ahead and put in my wild earrings. Here are the results of my restless night and wild earrings!

Normally I don't like my hair to have so much volume.

For some reason I LOVE these earrings!

Its just kinda not how I normally wear my hair.

My jaw is still swollen, by this time it was really hurting from smiling.

I wonder how long I will leave it like this before I give in to temptation and brush it out. Probably not even long enough for me to walk out the door!

Invisible.

I went to a Care Team meeting today. I was in a rather large room surrounded by at least 50 people. As I sat there and looked around at all of the people, my mouth was throbbing, my heart was breaking and I felt if I stood up and screamed as loud as I could that no one would notice. I know that I have a wonky way of looking at people and seeing things in people and as I looked around my perspective about the people was that when they looked at me their eyes just slid away from me. Like I was not there, like I was invisible.

So, much to my surprise, as I was sitting there in a crowd but not part of the crowd, a woman came up to me and started talking to me. It was nice to feel like I was not invisible and to be talked to instead of talked at. To my further surprise me she told me she felt like she needed to talk to me because I looked so sad. I thought, if people did notice me, that I would have them fooled. I had my fake-everything is OK-smile on and I was being pleasant. So if I had my smile in place then how could she say that I looked so sad?

It felt nice to talk to someone who did not want something from me. My supposed friend (my neighbor) has not talked to me in about 3 days since I told her I did not have an item she needed and I was not planning on going to the store. So for someone to talk to me just because they were interested in me and not what I could do for them was great.

Sobbing myself to sleep.

I had a really bad day yesterday. I had to get a filling done and they were not able to numb the tooth so for the whole thing I felt the pain of them drilling into my tooth. Then after that was all said and done the gums where I got the shots were starting to regain feeling in them and the pain from the shots was intense. To top it all off I have TMJ and the pain in my jaw from holding my mouth open for so long was so bad I was not able to even open my mouth enough to take a drink of water. I finally was able to take a pain pill at about 10:00p.m. but by 11:30p.m. the pain was still as bad as ever. I have to confess, by that time I was sobbing. On top of the physical pain I am missing David so much and am feeling like I have lost him forever. I guess the feelings I am going through right now can be compared to being in mourning for someone.

I sobbed and cried and was just praying for the pain to stop, for David to come home safe, for David to love me, be in love with me and to stay faithful to me. I kept repeating the same prayer over and over again. I even called my Mother but she was on her way to work. After a while I was finally able to calm down and lay down but if I moved my head my mouth would start hurting with the same intensity as before so I had to lay with my head as still as I could. Needless to say I cried myself to sleep but I woke up so often I feel like I did not get any sleep.

I do not know if I am strong enough to get through all these dental problems and I know when I have surgery it will be even worse for a while. All I know is that I need David very much and I wish he could hold me and tell me everything will be OK.

Is it finally over?

Could it finally be over? After about 5 days could this cold/flu or whatever it is finally be done? I have not had chills or sweats since this morning. I am not flying off the handle at everything (my poor neighbors think I am a psycho) and my head is feeling better. Oh, yeah, and I can sorta breath! How nice that is haha.

I tend to be emotional when I am sick and dealing with this deployment and family stuff does not help out any. I finally had to bite the bullet and actually delete someone from Facebook because of nasty comments that they kept making towards me. It got so bad that he made me cry a couple of times because he kept talking about my grandparents dying and how I don't care because I am not there helping out. My family knows that I feel guilty very easy and he took advantage of that one too many times. He told me that no one really cares about me and even though I know that is not true it still made me insecure about people. (Thus the reason I was asking David to make me feel special-see previous post). Oh well. I deleted him from Facebook, now if only I could stop feeling guilty and so unloved.

I have a bad habit of taking my stress out on people closest to me. Instead of admitting the reasons I am stressed out I focus on one thing that someone may or may not be doing and I pounce on that. I wish David were online so I could beg his forgiveness for being so horrible towards him. I wish I could talk to him and tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. I miss him very much and I hope he knows how extraordinary he is.

Being sick and upset.

I am sick. I spent most of last night breaking a fever (sweating out buckets) and catching a fever (chilled to the bone). When I am sick I tend to get emotional. Right now that is not a good thing, with David being gone I have no one to lean on. I asked him to help make me feel special and loved and his response was to get on Facebook and to focus on that. Being emotional I was hurt and upset and that carried on into today. I asked for the same things and he said he was going to go ahead and let me go. Leaving me again with no words of support, feeling alone and forgotten. Feeling like my husband does not care enough to try to help. I know my husband cares for me but sometimes I need him to close all the other windows, to look at me and tell me he needs me, to tell me he cares about me more than anyone else, to assure me that I am important to him. I need to feel like he loves me and wants to be with me. I feel alone, invisible and forgotten, not just by my husband but by everyone. I hope I stop being sick soon.

100 Days.

Tomorrow (Sunday 02/20/2011) it will have been 100 days since I last got to hold David in my arms and to feel his arms around me. Oh how I miss him.

4 a.m. ramblings.

I am up at 4:00 a.m. with heartburn. Please forgive me if this post seems to ramble a bit.

I went to the gym yesterday and did OK. When I go I usually try to walk at least a mile while getting my heart rate up above 160. My previous mile was in 22.something or other minutes. Yesterday I walked the mile in 18.something or other minutes. It is not the greatest but it is better. Maybe one day I will be able to run the mile in the time I used to be able to when I was in track. Hahaha, probably not though. I used to be able to run the mile in a little under 6 minutes. Ah, to be young and pain free.

While at the PX the other day I noticed that they had Banana Clips, three for $1.00. I used to LOVE those things so I went ahead and got a pack. For a buck that is not a bad purchase. Much to my disappointment when I put my hair up with one it just slipped out. I was very upset. I even tried to not brush my hair for a couple of hours then put it back in but it still just fell out. I have noticed that now that I have stopped dying my hair and all of the hair that was previously dyed has been cut off my hair is extremely soft and sometimes difficult to keep up because it just falls out of the hair ties. I don't know if having it this soft is good or not. I know that styling it now is difficult. Oh well. I also just switched shampoo and conditioner. I tried Herbal Essence Hello Hydration and so far I do not care for it as much as I like Dove Intensive Repair. I wonder what the best shampoo and conditioner would be in my price range (cheap lol). I still have not cut or trimmed my hair since David left. He mentioned one day that my hair does not look like it has grown any since he left. I wonder if it has. He also said that because he sees me on Skype so often he probably has not noticed the change. Since then I have been wearing my hair back when I talk to him so that when he comes home he may see the difference.

 Me right now, 4 a.m. :) 

 My hair always flips up on the end. Kinda annoying.

Just another angle. 

I went back to the dentist on Thursday. I think that they secretly like to torture people and cause pain. I have another appointment with my regular dentist on the 22nd to get a filling and then I have oral surgery scheduled for March 10th. I guess I am happy that I am finally going to have my teeth fixed but I am not happy about the cost of everything (David never did ask about the Army paying for it so we have to cover what insurance doesn't) nor am I looking forward to the pain. They are actually going to be shaving bone off of my upper jaw to change the way I bite down. So far the cost has not been too much just $400. The surgery is going to be $470 initially and what the insurance does not cover I can make payments on. I know that the insurance cap is $1250 (or around there somewhere) so I will be paying more for the surgery than just the $470 but the surgeon says as long as I pay $5.00 a month if not more then I will be OK. I hope that insurance picks up most of the tab (especially since David's pay still has not been fixed). Before everything is fixed I will try to get a before picture and then an after picture, just so I can put it on here. (Maybe!)

I think that because it is now 5 a.m. I will go ahead and get my gym clothes on so that when the community center gym opens up at 6 a.m. I can go ahead and get my daily work out done and finished. 

Being crafty-ish.

I decided to make my own curtains. David wanted to keep the colors red and black. This is the result (I apologize for the quality of the picture, still waiting for my camera.)

The sins of the Father.

There is an expression that goes something like "The sins of the father shall be visited upon the son." Now I know I am not a man but does the saying still apply. Does the sins of the father visit upon his offspring?

David and I have been talking about having children when he comes home. I have been giving this a lot of thought and I must confess that I am afraid of having children. I am afraid that perhaps what was done to me I shall do to my child. I do not feel like that is something I am capable of but the fear is still inside of me.

Today while spending time with friends I had the chance to babysit a baby and as I held her and she fell asleep in my arms all of my fears rushed right to the surface. How in the world can I ever think I would make a good parent?

I am feeling down today. I am feeling like a failure as a granddaughter, as a daughter, as a friend, as a wife and as a person.

Oh woe is me.

I spent the day with "friends" and yet I am lonely. Oh woe is me.

For all the.....wrong reasons?!

A while back ago I found out that my records for the Church are not able to be found so I am officially NOT a member of the Church. I have been thinking of being baptized again to become a member and that got me to start thinking of my original reasons for joining the Church.

When I first started going to church it was with my grandparents (Berta and Ed) because I wanted to get them back a better place spiritually. They were already members of the Church but had fallen away, my grandmother for various reasons and my grandfather with alcohol. I convinced them to start attending with me because, even though I was not a member of the Church, I believed in it. After a while I was informed that I had to start attending the YSA ward and not my grandparents ward and at first I resisted, I did not know anyone and I am sometimes not able to handle meeting new people. After a while I finally gave in and went to the YSA ward. I like it much to my surprise. Now I know the difference between true believers and those who just go because they have to, but back then I was new. The reason I liked it so much was that there were a couple of the younger people that I got along well with because we had the same bad habits. We smoked, we partied, we cussed, in general we were not following in Christ's example.

At the same time as all of that I was also speaking with David via telephone and we were going to try to start to have a relationship again. He had mentioned that he was attending church occasionally and I wanted to be able to share with him something I though was important to him. I thought if I were a member of the Church he would love me more and want me more. I thought if I were a better person, if I were a good person, like him, then he would love me like I loved him. So I was baptized into the Church. After I joined I found out that David was with someone else, that he was choosing someone else again to love. Oh how my heart broke again. But I stayed with the Church.

After time passed I started to realize the people I liked in the YSA ward were not truly believers. I started to separate myself from them and I started to become more of the person I wanted to be. I started bringing a friend of mine to church with me. Both to my YSA ward and the ward he would of been in in South Sac. A little bit of info about my friend that comes into play later...He is black. That is no big deal to me, we were good friends, I don't care if someone is purple, pink, green or any color. Anyway, we started attending church together and he was considering being baptized into the Church. His mother even attended with us and she actually was baptized into the Church. One day, after service I had someone come up to me, someone I had previously looked up to, the Bishop of my ward. He told me that he encouraged me to date someone else and that the Church did not accept biracial couples. After that day I did not go back to church. That was not the Church that I had grown to love and believe in.

I did not go back to church until David and I were married. I now know that what I was told was not true, it was a personal opinion of one man. I find myself hurt because of the separation I have had with the Church and yet at the same time I feel blessed because my records were lost. Blessed because looking back at the reasons I had joined the Church were not for me. Not the true me at any rate. They were for other people and for the person I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to be away from Christ's love anymore.

I think that this time, when I am baptized again, it will be for the right reasons. I will be doing it for me.

Simple words that make me cry.

I find it amazing sometimes how words can make me cry. I know that the words hold no meaning, it is the person saying the words that put the meaning into them but it still amazes me.

Today I was talking to David and I told him that he is the center of my world, something I have told him before and he has never said it back to me. Today he told me I was the center of his world, and it made me cry. Not because I was hurt or anything but because it touched my heart. It was the first time he said something like that and it was so nice to hear that.

David is the center of my world. I am not focused on him 24/7 (even though it seems like that), I have other things that take up time and energy. I have stuff going on in my life other than my husband, but at the same time I am always aware of him. My actions, in a way, are dictated by how he would feel or what he would say. Not to the extent that I am aware of God but it is there just the same. I was recently invited to go bar hopping with someone and immediately I thought of how David would feel about that and about how he would feel about me if I did that. I did not think he would like it very much if I did, so I didn't. Instead I invited the girl out to lunch with me (she was not happy with my alternative).

Anyway, back to my point. David has said many things in the past that were hurtful and that made me cry, but the things he says that are amazing and loving and caring that make me cry from happiness are the ones I remember the most. Every time he says he loves me or that he misses me my heart skips a beat. Every time he tells me I am beautiful and he wants to spend eternity with me I melt. Every time he wraps his arms around me to hold me close I feel like I am home and that I am safe. I love my husband, he is my world.

Falling down.

Most people who know me really well know that I am a bit of a klutz. I have never met a set of stairs that I have not wanted to fall down. I have even fell down the stairs and on my way put my elbow through a glass window. That was not a fun trip. So it may come as no surprise to anyone that today I fell down, again.

I was all dressed up for church, it was getting time to leave so I was taking Yoric out for a walk before I put him in his kennel. On my way out of the patio door Yoric decided to stop on the first step, I did not realize it until I almost step on him and there I go again, falling. This time I fell backwards and I hit my head on the door-jam. I hit my head hard enough to open up a gash about 2 inches long and boy it was a bleeder. After I finished seeing stars I managed to get Yoric out for his walk and came inside, put my PJs back on and waited for my eyes to stop being crossed. After a bit I finally stopped seeing double but still had a major headache. Unfortunately, I was not able to make it to Church this morning.

I was a bit afraid to sleep right after it happened but that did not stop my body from shutting down. I had an ice pack on the egg that was growing out of the back of my head and I woke up to the sound of my phone going off. Apparently it was OK for me to sleep because I am OK now and thankfully the swelling has gone down. I hope that by tomorrow the rest of the headache will go away and I am glad that the bleeding has stopped. Ha-ha, now if only I can figure out a way to brush my hair without hurting myself.

Odds and ends. :)

I am not the greatest at keeping up with housework and laundry. I admit it, I get lazy and I procrastinate until the last (and most uncomfortable) pair of underwear remain in the drawer. Then I HAVE to muster up the energy to do laundry. While hanging up the clean laundry I noticed some odd things about myself and the way I do things.

1.     The clothes are arranged by what type they are (pants, skirts, shirts, sweaters ect) and by color. If you look at our closet you would see everything color coded, whites with whites, reds with reds...You get the point.
2.     All of the hangers that I use in our bedroom closet are red white and blue. When hanging up shirts I usually go for a white hanger, when hanging up pants I usually go for blue and red is a mixture of both (for when I run out of white and blue).
3.     When I take a load into the wash room to clean I always have to use the same basket to take the clean clothes back to the room. I even empty out the basket if there are still dirty clothes in it just so I can take the clean clothes back in the same basket.
4.     I always hang up the dry clothes before I start a new load. I realized this and it I also realized I would save time if I would put the new load in while I am in the laundry room but for some reason, the very next time the clothes were dry I did the same thing.

Anyway, these are some of the things that made me laugh today.

I love my husband.

I talked to David today. It is always so nice to be able to talk to him. Despite everything going on he never fails to brighten my day for a bit. He actually asked me what was going on in my life and when I said nothing he kept asking till I eventually told him. He said that I need to tell him things like that. Haha, I just looked at him and he kinda grinned and said sorry. I did feel better being able to talk to him about my family. I wish he was here so I could hug him, he is a great man. I wish other people (and he) could see him the way I see him.

As much as I complain about him on here I try not to share all of that with him. I do talk to him about things that are on my mind when I am able to but in general I just try to find another way to vent.

I love my husband and am very lucky to be loved by him.

Family.

So, in dealing with my emotions about my grandparents I called my mom. I think that may of been a mistake. I love my family but I don't really like them. My mom thought that it would be a good idea to yell at me because Jared does not send her pictures of Cici. It may of been my fault because I told her that I think Cici should stay where she is and that she has a good life and that I think Torie needs to leave Cici alone while she gets her life straighted out and gets off of drugs. Goodness, never let Tracie have an opinion of her own.

Here is a little history between my mother and I. When David left me in California, I was in a really dark place. I will be honest, I wanted to kill myself. At one point, I was drunk, depressed and had a knife and was ready to just end the pain. I called my mom for help. She hung up on me because her girlfriend was calling her and she wanted to talk to her girlfriend. She left me there, holding a phone and a knife. Thankfully I managed to pull myself together somewhat and have not attempted anything like that since. My point is, when I really really needed her, she was not there. So when she was upset about her sister hanging up on her- to talk to her boyfriend- I could not help but be bitter about how upset she was.

I felt like I was just beat up, I feel drained emotionally. I do not know how to solve everyone's problems. I don't even know how to solve my own problems. I don't know what to do and when I turn to a "friend" to talk to she is not available because she has to go to a party. I wish I could talk to David about things but I don't want him to make another comment about me being emotional again.

Cracker Jacks and Grandpa.

Recently I made the decision to not talk to my husband about what is stressing me out and seeing as how he does not read my blog I figure it is safe to vent a little on here. (Which is why there are so many emotional rants.)

A couple of weeks ago I found out the my Grandmother and Grandfather are really sick. My Grandmother (who I call Cracker Jacks or Crackers) has been in and out of the hospital for a couple of years but every time she goes back in it is still scary. This time she has internal bleeding and they cannot figure out what is going on with her, why she is bleeding. The general conclusion seems to be that she will not make it much longer. My Grandfather is a typical man's man. Never one to complain if he was hurting or not feeling well and never much on saying anything. To find out he was in the hospital was a shock by itself, to find out he has fractured or dislocated hips was another shock. When I found out he had bone cancer and they are not even able to control the pain was it was devastating.

Despite all the differences that I have had with my Grandparents I still love them very much and am not sure how I can handle this by myself. Please God, if you must bring them home make it so they stop hurting at least.

A totally useless purchase that I don't feel guilty about.

We got our taxes in! Yippy!!! OK, so most of the money is going towards my dental problems and some bills to get us caught up but David and I talked about some totally useless purchases and I actually don't feel guilty about them. First off, our TV in the living room is going out :( I am sad to say we are getting the little green lines of death going through it so we decided to take the plunge into flat screen TVs. We initially discussed getting a 55" TV but I really could not force myself to plop down that kind of money. We ended up going with a 40" TV and instead of an off brand we went with a name brand just because it is better quality and generally will last longer. The second useless thing I got was a nice camera. Since David took his camera with him to Iraq I have not had anything to take pictures with and I have been going through withdraws. So back to the camera, I got a really good deal on this camera and I am very anxious to get it so I can start taking pictures again. I decided to go with a  Nikon coolpix L110 (I did not pay the price listed, I payed considerably less) just because of the many features of the camera.

I love to take pictures and some may consider the purchases that we made useless or a waste of money but I am content with the decisions we made. :)

One of the pictures I took with my old camera. 

Priorities.

I issued a challenge to David about a month ago for him to sit down and really think about what his priorities are. To search himself to find out what is important to him. As of yesterday he still has not done that.

I think it is important to know what your priorities are. I think that with knowing your priorities you know yourself better. Not only that but you know what you need to work on or work towards. For example, if one of my priorities was my family I would work harder to make sure that they were happy, healthy and well loved. If one of my priorities was money I would work harder at getting a job, making the money. Not that those examples are my priorities (well family is but not so much on the money part), I just wanted to give an example.

The reason I wanted David to sit down and write down his priorities is because I think he needs to know what is important to him. He needs some motivation in his life and unfortunately I am not able to give that to him. I also think he needs to rearrange some of his priorities before he looses some of the important things in life.

David has some wonderful qualities that make him an amazing man, on the other hand David has some horrible habits and traits that make the people closest to him feel like he does not care. I feel like he does not care most of the time because, even though he says it, he does not SHOW me he cares. I feel like he takes me for granted most of the time and disregards me the rest of the time. That is not a fair statement to make, there are times when he makes me feel like I am the most important person in his life but those times are becoming less and less frequent. 

I love my husband very much and I want to make him happy. I hope that I do make him happy. He is an extraordinary man and I try to treat him the best way I know how to. I hope he knows how much I love him and how much of a blessing he is for me, I also hope that he realizes how much of a blessing I am to him and how extraordinary I am as well. Love is not a one way street and keeping a relationship healthy should not rest only on one persons shoulders. I need his help to make our marriage work and he needs to move me and our marriage up on his priority list.

How?

If you read my post from earlier you could kind of tell I was upset. What I do not know how to do is to stop being upset. I do not know how to stop feeling like I am not important to people and specifically my husband. I do not know how to stop being hurt. I know that he has issues expressing his feelings sometimes but what I don't know is how come it is so easy for him to disregard my feelings. What I DO know is that I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else and I want to make him happy, I also know that he needs to work on making me happy and instead of being just the taker in the relationship, he needs to start giving as well.

Am I not important enough?

I know that my husband is deployed and I know that he has things going on, what I don't know is why am I not important enough for him to want to talk to when he is able to? Why does he ignore/"forget" things that I say to him? Say for instance, today we did talk for about 5 minutes till he went to chow. Earlier I had sent him an offline message telling him I got the gift he had sent me and was asking if he wanted me to wait till we could talk before I opened it. I know he got it, it shows up that he got it. When we finally were able to talk he never mentioned it. When he said he had to go, I asked him to call me back. His response was "If I can." To which I replied, of course you can then he snapped at me "Did you forget I am in a combat zone?"

No, I have not forgotten that, I am not an idiot. But I also know that he was going to chow and then to work out, not on a mission. I also know that at 1p.m. my time he was online and never bothered to say a word to me. Fine, if he does not want to talk to me then I will not force him to. His gift will sit there, unopened and I guess when he finally wants to talk I may by then want to talk to him.

I am angry and hurt and he just does not care.

Vanity.

The definition of vanity from dictionary.com:

- excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities,achievements, etc.; character or quality of being vain; conceit

The definition of vanity from LDS.org:

- Falsehood or deceit (Ps. 12:2; 24:4; 144:8, 11; Prov. 30:8). Empty, transitory, or fleeting (Eccl. 1:2–4; 12:8).

OK, the definitions pretty much go with each other. I think that for the one from LDS.org the part that says Empty, transitory or fleeting matches best with the one from dictionary.com and for what I am thinking matches best. 

I struggle sometimes with my self esteem. I see myself, in general, in a very negative way. I am constantly surprised that people think I am pretty or beautiful or whatnot. There are very few things about my physical appearance that I am happy with. With that being said, the things I do like, such as my nails and my hair, I am very vain about. I like when they look pretty, I love when people compliment me on them. I know that being vain about something is bad but for some reason I cling to these small vanities. 

In society these days it is hard to not dwell on your flaws. We are constantly being bombarded with images of what "society" considers beautiful. From makeup ads, hair commercials, ads for online dating sites, commercials for almost every product out there is it any wonder that many people never feel pretty enough, or good enough? Just now there was a commercial for some cleaning supply and in it were beautiful women cleaning their floors. Tell me, when was the last time you put on your Sunday best and did your makeup just so you can mop your kitchen floor? 

Then there are the actual television shows that are on these days such as Americas Next Top Model, Toddlers and Tiaras, Extreme Makeover, Desperate Housewives ect, ect. They show these women who are beautiful in there own right and if not then they are geared towards making woman over to be more in the image of what society considers beautiful. 

People invest in plastic surgery to "enhance" how they look or in some cases they completely change the way they look. People get nose jobs, botox, cheek implants, lip injections, breast augmentations, butt implants, calf implants and various other things. Is getting plastic surgery really worth it? Are people who get it done really happier with themselves? If they are willing to go to such extremes when will they stop?  

Many times I have met someone for the first time and saw the instant they decided they didn't like me based on how I look, many times this happens before I even say a word or even have a chance to show my personality. I can tell when it happens most of the time. Usually the person starts to smile and then the judgement forms and they loose the smile, their body language changes, they become closed off and in some cases they even refuse to look at me. It has happened many times and just as recently as the last time I went to the store. I can also say that most of the time when someone judges me instantly they have a very high opinion of themselves and are not afraid to let people know just what they think of themselves. Even my husband's (supposed) best friend judges me based on how I look and someone David is related to, by marriage, mentions how easy it is to loose weight if people would just work out every time I am around that person. 

I guess the point that I am getting at is, if I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough in "societies" eyes, is it really a bad thing to cling to the vanities that make me feel happy in the most fleeting of ways? 

With all that said, here is a picture of my fingernails. Aren't they pretty?! lol

Something fun!

I have been teaching Yoric how to catch something when I throw it to him, this is a small example of one of our training sessions. :) Sometimes it is so much fun with him, but he NEVER knows when to stop. He will play fetch all day if I let him. 

Just me, complaining.

In the last week I have been irritable, grumpy, moody, emotional, prone to crying, angry, mushy in love, lonely, sad, depressed, anti-social, and generally everything in between. Knowing that I was going crazy did not stop me from being crazy, I knew some of the stuff I was thinking was way out in space and yet I could not stop myself from thinking it. For some reason I was completely, and I mean COMPLETELY surprised that I started my period. I have so very few of them that I forget the signs of the unhappy event. Now for another bad part of it. Oh my GOODNESS the cramping. I know that my cramps tend to be a little worse because I don't have a period very often but I just wanna curl up with a hot water bottle pressed against my back and stomach and just lay there. Oh woe is me.

Thank you for stopping by my pity party!

(lol) Think this is too much information to post about? If so I apologize but I felt the need to whine about it.

What happens in.....Iraq?

I was recently talking to a friend of mine about my favorite subject...Yep, you guessed it, David! I was sharing some of my insecurities about David being faithful while he is deployed and my friend said that I should just treat it like Vegas. What happens in Iraq, stays in Iraq. I was flabbergast at that way of thinking. Yes, if David cheated on me while he was away I may never know but that does not mean that it will stay in Iraq. I believe that  peoples actions are carried with them, whether they be good or bad. I believe that if David OR I were to do something hurtful while he is deployed then that action would be carried within us and when he got home it would effect our relationship. Things would change because a guilty conscious would change someone's behavior. What happens anywhere does not stay there, it stays in your heart, mind and conscious. The best thing David and I could do for us and our relationship is to be faithful, loyal, trusting, open and honest. Temptation is everywhere, learning to not give in to it and to try to avoid it sometimes is hard. Especially, I think, for David because he is around some....immature guys who like to pressure David into things. We both need to be strong enough to stand up for our relationship, beliefs and ourselves.

OK, climbing off my soap-box now! :)

Updates.

I went to the doctor today for my monthly check up. Thank goodness I do not have to go back for another 6 months unless something happens between now and then. I am in the middle of a weight loss battle and today there was a temporary set back. Weigh ins to date:

12/28/2010     304lbs
01/14/2011     298lbs
02/07/2011     300lbs

I am not really worried about the actual numbers but I have to admit that it is discouraging to see the number go back up.

Since I do not have another doctors appointment for a while yet I guess it is about that time to go out and get a bathroom scale. Once I do get one then I am going to try to remember to update or track my weight every two weeks (I figure if I do it on the days that David gets paid I will not forget).

On to other news. Laser hair removal was declined by my insurance. They say that it is cosmetic so it will not be covered. The dermatologist is appealing the decision because the methods of hair removal most commonly used are actually scaring my skin. I have used hair removal cream, bleaching, waxing and plucking. The various chemicals have actually scared one part of my chin and the dermatologist said that there could be worse consequences if I use them for an extended amount of time. I am hoping that I hear back from them soon and I hope it is approved. If not, then can I really justify spending the money to get it done. To have eight sessions it would be $400.00, compared to other places I have checked out that is amazingly cheap. I don't know, I will have to think about if it is worth spending the money on.

A very interesting read.

TheArmyWife(DUDE): Stupid Boys(Part 2):

A very interesting read.

Silly me, tears are for wimps.

My husband informed me today that I cry a lot. I have been thinking about that a lot since he said it and I have to agree that I have been crying a lot lately. Part of the reason I am so emotional is of course that he is gone on deployment but after the first couple of weeks I was adjusted and even though I still missed him I was not crying all the time like when he first left. Since I got back from my visit to Tennessee I have been through a lot of emotional stuff, from finding out that David was writing to other women he loved them, to dealing with going to the doctor once or twice a week for about a month, to dealing with my dental problems. All of that stuff adds up and being in physical pain (excruciating pain at times!) and emotional pain, of course I am going to cry a lot.

I can usually deal with stress without being emotional about it but when everything is thrown at me all at once I am going to crack under all the pressure. I am only one person, I cannot be strong all of the time. I hate to admit this but David provides most of my support emotionally and I feel like I can talk to him about anything, but lately I have been trying to hide some of the stress I am going through from him. Perhaps now I should try to hide all of the stress from him. I know he is under a lot of stress over there, dealing with being away from home and in a combat zone, perhaps it is not fair of me to put my stress onto him. Perhaps I should "suck it up" (as the infantryman says) and just deal with it on my own.

Me, talk to more people?

I was informed today by my husband that I need to talk to more people. I find that to be funny and a little offensive at the same time. A little offensive because when David and I do talk most of the time he does not ask what my daily activities are, nor who I am speaking with, he usually just asks how I am doing and how my day was. I answer his questions honestly but if he does not ask I generally do not tell. So I find it offensive that he said that not knowing if I do or don't talk to anyone. BTW, generally speaking I do not talk to a lot of people, I find it very hard to trust people enough to form a lasting relationship with them plus the people I do want to talk to are way to busy to talk to me. Even when David is home I do not talk to a lot of people nor do I go out to social events a lot. I also find it funny that he said that because he knows that people do not really talk to me outside of the general politeness of saying hello or whatnot. He also knows that the only person around here I do speak to on a somewhat normal basis I get tired of talking to because she makes things up, constantly says that David is going to get kicked out of the Army and said that I need to stop being said that David is gone because he is in the Army and we had to expect it to happen. So I think it is funny he told me that knowing the people around me.

OK, so now that I have said that I must say that I am very depressed right now, I have a horrible self image because of dental problems and weight problems. I am in danger of becoming an agoraphobic (I am joking, kinda) and I know all of this but I still find it hard to leave the house and talk to people because I am so self conscious of myself. I KNOW this is a problem and I am trying to work with it. I am forcing myself to get out of bed, shower, leave the house, go to the store or park or wherever. I am trying, really I am.

AAAHHHHHH!!!!! I am in a panic!!!

I have GAINED weight! What in the world is going on?!?!?!?! I have not officially weighed myself but I put on a pair of pants that previously fit OK and now they are tight! What in the world is going on? I am sticking to my diet, working out, taking my meds like I am supposed to but I am gaining weight! I wanna sit down and cry and just give up, not even get out of bed.

OK, so I have cheated a couple of times and drank a soda but my calories are still under where they should be, that should not make me gain weight. This sucks!

Maybe I should just give up. My husband thinks I am perfect the way I am, aside from my weight and PCOS I am very healthy. I just really do not want to have the lapband surgery done but it looks like I may have to just to loose weight.

Wish David were here to hold me.

General question.

Does anyone else find it obnoxious that people put music on their blogs? I find it extremely annoying. The last thing I want to hear when I see what could possibly be an interesting blog is a rap song talking about nasty things.

A different way to think for today.

Reading over my blog I realize that I put my husband down a lot. That is not my intention but it seems easier to write about things that bother me than things that are right in my life. I am not sure why that is, maybe because the things I am bothered by are in the front of my mind. I hate to admit this but I sometimes take my blessings for granted. :( I am ashamed that I do that.

Anyway back to David. I realized that I need to stop focusing so much on the negative about our relationship and start paying more attention to the positive. I think that David is a wonderfully amazing man. I know that he has made mistakes but who hasn't? He is kind and caring, considerate and thoughtful. He is a great friend and while he does not always know what to say he is great at listening. He is giving and selfless, he will go the extra mile to make me smile. I love him with everything I have inside and I am so very grateful to be married to such a wonderful man.

I think I need to set a goal to let him know how much I love him at least once a month if not more. I think it would benefit us both if we were to do that for each other. 

Everything you want to know and more.

(Borrowed from Laura. Thank you Laura)

TEN FACTS

•Name - Tracie Alexia June Waldroup

•Nicknames - Snuggle Froggy, 

•Any birth marks - Yes

•Hair color - Dark brown

•Natural hair color - Dark brown

•Eye color - blue

•Height - 5’8"

•Mood - lonely

•Favorite color - red

•One Place You Want to Visit - Alaska

TEN THIS OR THAT

•Love or lust - love

•Cats or dogs – dogs

•A few best friends or many regular friends - few

•Television or internet - internet

•Chinese or Indian food - chinese

•Wild night out or romantic night in - romantic night in

•Money or Happiness - happiness

•Night or day - Night

•MSN or phone - phone

TEN HAVE YOU’S

•Ever performed in front of a large crowd - yes

•Ever done drugs - yes

•Ever consumed alcohol- yes

•Ever been on a dance team - no

•Ever been on a sports team - yes

•Ever been in a drama play/production - yes

•Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley? - no

•Ever been in a rap video? - no

TEN LASTS

•Last phone call you made - to pay a bill

•Last person you hung out with - Cindy

•Last person you tackled - David

•Last person you IM’d - David

•Last person(s) you went to the movies with - Olivia

•Last thing you missed - my husband (if that does not count, a doctors appointment)

•Last thing you ate - chili

WOULD YOU RATHER

•Pierce your nose or tongue? - tongue but don't want to do either.

•Be serious or be funny? - funny

•Drink whole or skim milk? - whole

•Spend time with your parents or enemies? - parents (although in my case they are the same sometimes)

ARE YOU

•Simple or complicated? - simply complicated

DO YOU PREFER

•Flowers or candy? - flowers

•Gray or black? - black

•Color or Black and white photos? - depends on the photo

•Sunrise or sunset? - sunset

•Staying up late or waking up early? - late

DO YOU PREFER

•Sun or moon? - moon

•Left or right? - right

•Sun or rain? - Snow

•Vanilla or chocolate ice cream? - chocolate

•Vodka or Jack Daniels? - neither

•Nervous Habits? - giggling, biting my lip, laughing so much I cry

•Are you double jointed? - yes

•Can you twist your tongue around and roll it? - yes

•Can you raise one eyebrow? - no

•Can you cross your eyes? - yes

•Do you make your bed daily? - um, right before I go back to bed I straighten the covers.

QUESTIONS

•Which shoe goes on first? - usually the right

•Ever thrown something at someone? - yes

•On average, how much money do you carry with you? about a dollar in change

•What jewelry do you wear? - wedding ring, necklace with a ring I took from David the day we started dating (have not taken it off since I took it from him on 12/11/2008)

•Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? - twirl

•Have you ever eaten Spam? - yes, would never want to eat it again.

•Favorite ice cream? - butter pecan

•How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet? - one

•What’s your favorite beverage? - cherry soda

•Do you cook? - not very well, but yes.

LASTS

•Last Alcoholic Drink:? - don't remember

•Last Car ride? - today going to the dentist.

•Last Movie watched? - Inception thought it was interesting. Did not like the end.

Unique Motivation.

Last week David told me that there may be a way that the Army will pay for my dental work. I found out today that only a part of it will be $2500 and that is only a part of it. Our insurance will only cover up to $1250 a year so that means I have to pay the rest out of pocket. When David told me of the program I got excited and hopeful but since then he has not got any more information. He has not asked to be taken where he needs to go, he has (as far as I know) not even mentioned it to anyone. I sometimes wish that I could light a firecracker and drop it down his pants to get him moving. I know that they are busy over there and that he has a lot going on but I also know that he has down time and days where he does nothing.

I know this is not true but I feel sometimes that he does not care enough about me to make the effort to just ask to take care of things. For instance, his pay has been messed up since he got there and he has not talked to finance to get it fixed. Another example is this whole dental thing. I know that he loves me but sometimes I cannot help but wonder.

Sandpaper eyes.

I am so very tired. My eyelids feel like they are sandpaper and are rubbing my eyes raw. As tired as I am I am not able to sleep due to this EXTREME pain I am feeling in my mouth. Every since I went to the dentist I have had a major toothache that is preventing me from sleeping. When I finally do manage to fall asleep I wake up within minutes from the pain. I hope that tomorrow when I go back to the dentist they will be able to do something about the pain. Sleep would be nice right about now. Not having pain would be even better. :(

?

Is it possible to overdose on Ibuprofen? Just wondering.

Different thoughts.

I am snowed in for the day and I am so very bored. Not having anything to do all day tends to make me think even more than I already do. Here are some of the things I have been thinking about today:

If everyone treated everyone the way they would want to be treated things would be a lot better. Personal example, if David thought of me before making some decisions we would not have as many rough patches in our marriage. OR if the people who he talks to think about how they felt when/if it happened to them, they would put a stop to it.

Would getting rid of money and going back to bartering for services make the economy better? (I am not sure how that would work, just a thought that passed through my head.)

Shows like "Little Miss Perfect" and "Toddlers and Tiara's" should not be allowed for a couple of reasons (IMO). 1: gives pedophiles a way to watch girls, 2: starts giving girls bad self esteem early, 3: a lot of the girls are being taught that being pretty is the only thing that matters and that if they do not get first place they are not good enough.

How did people discover crocheting and knitting? Or even sewing for that matter. I would of never of thought of anything that ingenious by myself.

Is having a mean thought really bad if we don't share that thought or act on that thought? I know it is not right to be judgmental but everyone has thoughts and opinions and sometimes it is not possible to control an instant reaction to someone/something.

I really do not trust some girls in regards to my husband. I think they are trying to hard to appear as though they are innocent.

Ah, well. Those are just some of the thoughts I had today. It has been a long, boring, miserable and painful day. I have a major toothache that is keeping me from sleeping.

Hope everyone has a blessed day.