I believe in being honest, not only with others but with myself as well. I try to be as honest as I can without hurting people or starting fights, therefore a lot of what I think goes unsaid. I am not perfect, I sometimes exaggerate things and occasionally tell a while lie or two but for the most part I am honest.
In the time that my husband has been deployed I have been having a lot of emotional ups and downs. I find myself doubting if my husband loves me because of his conversations with other women. It is hard for me to feel like he is giving me all of his love when he is telling other women that he loves them. I understand that there are different types of love (friendship, romantic, family ET) but I just feel that if it were not of a romantic nature he would not have lied about it when I asked him about it. Since he has left and I found the first e-mail he wrote to Ashley Jean the day he left I have been wondering if he felt he made a mistake when he married me. I have been wondering if he wants to get out of our marriage. I have felt like maybe the best thing for me to do would be to leave. I have considered leaving my husband because despite how much I love him I cannot keep going through this pain every time he tells another woman he loves them.
Now to the title of my post, I am trying really hard to throw away the doubts in my mind. I am trying to stop feeling so insecure about my marriage to my husband. I am "cleaning out my closet" so to speak. I have been reading the Book of Mormon and the Bible trying to find answers and I have been praying to find some guidance. Every time I start to pray for an answer my throat closes up, my eyes start to fill with tears and I feel like crying like a baby. I feel so overcome with emotions that it is hard for me to sort through them all. There is a small voice in my head that I sometimes here when I pray about things. I believe that it is the Spirit guiding me when I search for answers. As I pray for guidance on if I should leave or not, I always get the voice telling me to have faith and to trust. I believe that I need to start trusting my husband; I need to have faith in him to do the right thing. He is a good person, he just makes bad choices. I believe that he is meant for me and me for him. Since the time I first met him I felt as though we were supposed to be together, and that we had always been together. So now I am trying to clear my heart of all the doubts, insecurities, pain, fear and anger. I know that it will not be easy nor will it happen overnight. There are going to be times where I will falter and let them overcome me but I will continue to work on it and continue to trust in my marriage.
2 comments:
It's your SIL Jenn. In my opinion...which is always right. =)
Wrong is wrong. To tell another woman he loves them is inappropriate, disrespectful and wrong. Stand up for your self. I understand about self esteem issues, his behavior is not helping. Love is strong, but you need to set boundries and have respect for your self before others will. Baby crying must go. But hold on, keep close to the Lord
Hello Jenn! :D
I agree with you that what is wrong is wrong and that it was disrespectful. We did get into an argument about the situation but it is so hard to fight over Skype! lol. I told him he needs to step up and stop and he said he would.
Reagan is adorable, congrats!
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