God, time and dogs.

I have recently started talking to a cousin of mine that I have not spoken to since I was 18 or 19. She has been a heavy drug user since she has been about 14 or so and I find myself a bit upset. Not at her (although I am sad at the path she has chosen in her life) but that she has the ability to have children. She has two kids and right now they are not living with her. They were taken away from her because of her behavior.
My whole life I have lived by the rules and I try to be a good person. I have been through a lot, from being molested and raped by my biological father until I was 6 or 7, to being raped by a fellow child (he was 17, I was 8) in a state ran group home and then to being raped by a complete stranger (when I was 12) just because he could. I have loved a man so totally and deeply that I told him every secret that was in me to tell only to have him turn around and rip out my heart and use those secrets against me to hurt me more. I have forgiven people for hurting me, put aside my feelings of pain to comfort others, lived on the streets for two weeks, tolerated physical abuse and mental abuse because it was family. I have given people second, third, fourth, fifth ect chances. I have done so much and gave so much and yet I am not able to have children of my own. I find myself angry at God for denying me a child and yet people who make a mess of their lives, who take for granted everything that is a blessing in their lives are able to have children that they do not appreciate. I feel in my heart that there is at least one child waiting for me and I morn the fact that I have not been able to conceive a child to date.
I believe deeply in God and feel like he loves me and I don't like being angry at him. I try to understand that he has a plan for everyone, that he knows what is best and will only put things in our life that we are capable of handling. I also understand that before I was born I chose my path in life but at the same time I am soooo angry and hurt. I pray everyday for forgiveness for the feelings I have but I still feel them. I do not know how to stop feeling this way.

Time has been passing so slow lately. David left on November 12th and it is now only January 23rd. I wish that this deployment was over so that we can be together again. With everything that has been going on between us I think it has been worse than it otherwise would of been. I love David more than I have loved anyone ever before. Even when he riped my heart out I never stopped loving him and wanting to be with him. But I love myself as well and I don't like being hurt. I have given him so many chances to be the man that I know he can be but for some reason he will not step up. He is an amazing person but the choices he makes sometimes make he question if he really loves me. I hope that he realizes what he has in me because despite all of my flaws and insecurities I think I am a wonderful person. Time shall tell I suppose.

My dog has decided that he wants to get sick only when David is gone so I am the one who has to deal with it. I sometimes think having kids could not be worse than having a dog. He chews on things, constantly wants attention, whines about everything, demands to be fed constantly, makes a mess of everything, gets into things he is not supposed to and even manages to talk back to me. In other words he is a handful. Despite the fact that he drives me crazy I love him and want him to be better. Not just cause cleaning up after an 80 pound dog when it has diarrhea is gross but because I want him to be healthy and happy.

Now that I have complained a bit I do want to say that despite everything I have been through in my life, all the heartache, pain and sorrow my life has also been blessed with a lot. I have had joy and happiness. I am married to my best friend and I want to be with him for eternity. I have some amazing friends. I am blessed with having a place to live and food to eat. Despite my worries about money I am blessed that I do not HAVE to work but can if I choose to. I have a family that drives me crazy and despite our differences I do love them, just don't want to be around them for long periods of time and I am truly blessed for having great in-laws.