Going slightly crazy.

It has now been 73 days since the last time I was able to hold my husband in my arms and to feel his arms around me. I think that I may be going slightly crazy. I woke up last night with the phantom feeling of him holding me while sleeping. Once I realized that he was not there I started sobbing because I wanted so badly to have him next to me and to feel him near me. Since he has been gone I have gone from deeply depressed to where every thought I had of him made me cry to where I do not even want to think of him because it hurt so much. At other times I am giddy with joy because I know that there has been almost two months that have gone by and that brings him so much closer to being together with me again.




This deployment started out so very rough. I found e-mails that my husband wrote to another woman telling her that he loves her and that he will miss her like crazy. I felt as though he was cheating on me. I found the e-mail the day after he left and I was not able to speak with him about it for the longest time. I was devastated and heart broken. We finally were able to communicate and to work through what happened but now I am constantly wondering if the reason he is not getting a hold of me is because he is talking to someone else. I do not know how to work through these feelings of distrust. I do not know if it will be better. I only know that I want him home and until he is home I will probably be slightly off balance.




I started school again. I originally started taking three classes but because of some various reasons I had to drop two of the classes and am now down to one class. I also have started going back to the doctors again to start the treatments for PCOS ( Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I have started to take the medications needed and I have appointments scheduled for dermatology to get laser hair removal. I am also going to be going to the dentist in the next few months. I started working out yesterday with a friend and managed to run 1.7 miles. Admittedly I am out of shape and I used to be able to run that plus a lot more without any problem but to run that much was extremely hard for me to do. I am proud that I actually did it though. Last time I went to the doctor my weight was 304lbs. I NEED to loose weight but with PCOS it is almost impossible to loose weight. Now that I have started taking the necessary medications and working out I am hoping that I will be able to loose the weight. I want to loose 100lbs by the time David gets home.




David and I discussed talking to my doctor about taking fertility medication because of the PCOS and we decided that I will start taking them in June/July so that when he comes home on R&R we can try to get pregnant. We both decided that right now would be a good time for us to start a family. I am nervous about the thought of having a child but at the same time I am excited. I have wanted to have children since the last time David and I were together way back in the day. I hope that things work out the way that we want.




I miss my husband very much and with the time that has passed the feelings of being empty and alone have not faded. At times they are not as strong as normal but on a daily basis it is a struggle for me to get out of bed, it is a struggle for me to find something positive to think about. It is a struggle for me to get dressed and leave the house. I know that I should and so I do, I also know that even though he is important in my life I have other things going for me as well but it is very hard to be apart from him. He is my best friend, the one person I want to tell everything to, the one person I feel I can be myself without having to edit what I say. With him I feel complete and now that he is gone I feel empty.