Most of the time when people say that they are on a diet they are trying to decrease the amount of food that they are eating each day. For me I am trying to INCREASE the amount of food/calories that I am eating each day. I have to force myself to eat most of the time because I am just not hungry. My doctor said to eat about 1200 calories a day and today, after I finished tracking everything, I am only up to about 750 calories. That is eating three times and having two sodas. :(
Why do I never feel like eating? I just never have an appetite. Right now, after a day of eating, I feel so full. I feel like there is just something sitting in my stomach. It is a very uncomfortable feeling for me.
On a side note: I went back to the gym today. I walked/jogged at 5mph for 20 minutes and my warm up and cool down were both 5 minutes each at 2.5mph. :D
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Dental problems.
I have been debating with myself if I wanted to post anything about what I have been going through as far as my dental problems. I was born with very little enamel on my teeth making them very prone to cavities. When I was younger I never went to the dentist, the first time I ever remember going to the dentist I was in my early 20s and it was after I started working. Taking all of that into account I have very bad teeth with a lot of cavities. I have been to the dentist and had cavities filled, teeth pulled, teeth cleaned and polished. I brush my teeth at least twice a day and I always floss when I brush. I try to take care of my teeth but it seems no matter what I do they are in bad shape.
I went to the dentist last Thursday and received some bad news that actually made me cry. My dentist told me that I need to have all of my upper teeth removed and have a full upper denture made for me. I also need to have 4 teeth or so on my bottom removed due to decay and cavities. This is something I knew was going to happen sooner or later but I was not expecting it this soon. I must say that it makes me feel really bad about myself. I know that my mother has had dentures since she was 18 or 19 and my aunt had to get them when she was 30 but my teeth has always been the healthiest in the family (wow, that is saying something isn't it?). My dentist said that he could tell I was trying to take care of my teeth but it was doing no good. He said that the teeth with the fillings in them are just developing cavities behind the fillings and there is pretty much nothing more I can do to try and save them.
So anyway, the insurance that I have through David will only cover $1250 a year. I know that having oral surgery and then everything else that needs to be done is going to be way over that amount. By my estimate the final cost will be closer to $3000 if not more. Thankfully we are getting enough in our tax return that if it is around the $3000 mark I will have enough to cover the cost. If it is more than I do not know what I will do. We will not have the money.
David was talking to one of his chain of command and he told him of my dental problems and the guy said that there may be a way that the Army will cover the cost of all my dental work. I will not hold my breath for that but I will pray for it to happen, that way I could stop stressing out about money.
I went to the dentist last Thursday and received some bad news that actually made me cry. My dentist told me that I need to have all of my upper teeth removed and have a full upper denture made for me. I also need to have 4 teeth or so on my bottom removed due to decay and cavities. This is something I knew was going to happen sooner or later but I was not expecting it this soon. I must say that it makes me feel really bad about myself. I know that my mother has had dentures since she was 18 or 19 and my aunt had to get them when she was 30 but my teeth has always been the healthiest in the family (wow, that is saying something isn't it?). My dentist said that he could tell I was trying to take care of my teeth but it was doing no good. He said that the teeth with the fillings in them are just developing cavities behind the fillings and there is pretty much nothing more I can do to try and save them.
So anyway, the insurance that I have through David will only cover $1250 a year. I know that having oral surgery and then everything else that needs to be done is going to be way over that amount. By my estimate the final cost will be closer to $3000 if not more. Thankfully we are getting enough in our tax return that if it is around the $3000 mark I will have enough to cover the cost. If it is more than I do not know what I will do. We will not have the money.
David was talking to one of his chain of command and he told him of my dental problems and the guy said that there may be a way that the Army will cover the cost of all my dental work. I will not hold my breath for that but I will pray for it to happen, that way I could stop stressing out about money.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Discouraging words from strangers.
I find it hard to motivate myself to go work out sometimes because of other people. I know I should not let other people control what I do but when someone has low self esteem about their body negative remarks affect us. I went to work out tonight on the treadmill and at the beginning of my workout a woman walked up who looked to be a size 2 and said that it was obvious I never worked out and that I should give the machine to someone who does.
I used to be a very active person. While in school I was on the track team, I used to run every day! I loved running and I was in very good shape. Yes, I had problem areas but who doesn't? I was hit by a car as a pedestrian and since then I have been having problems with my weight. When I first started dating David I developed the condition PCOS and in 3 months I gained 100 pounds. Because of the PCOS loosing weight is extremely difficult. My body tends to gain weight (not muscle weight) when I start to work out.
Now after what that womans has said and some other things that have happened at the gyms I find I really don't want to go back. I will go back but it is so discouraging with people are negative about me trying to loose weight. I would NEVER ever be so cruel to someone who was trying to do something to better their health. If only other people were like that.
Short report of my workout. I warmed up on the treadmill at 2.5mph for 5 minutes and then walked for 25 minutes at 5mph with my heart rate going between 169-171 then warmed down for 3 minutes at 2mph.
I used to be a very active person. While in school I was on the track team, I used to run every day! I loved running and I was in very good shape. Yes, I had problem areas but who doesn't? I was hit by a car as a pedestrian and since then I have been having problems with my weight. When I first started dating David I developed the condition PCOS and in 3 months I gained 100 pounds. Because of the PCOS loosing weight is extremely difficult. My body tends to gain weight (not muscle weight) when I start to work out.
Now after what that womans has said and some other things that have happened at the gyms I find I really don't want to go back. I will go back but it is so discouraging with people are negative about me trying to loose weight. I would NEVER ever be so cruel to someone who was trying to do something to better their health. If only other people were like that.
Short report of my workout. I warmed up on the treadmill at 2.5mph for 5 minutes and then walked for 25 minutes at 5mph with my heart rate going between 169-171 then warmed down for 3 minutes at 2mph.
Pictures (I am sorry)
So on my way to try to loose weight I wanted to post pictures as I go along. Here are the starting out pictures. I apologize. (also they may be blurry but you get the general idea).
All in all I do not think I look totally horrendous. I have met other people my weight that had a more pronounced tummy or arms or whatever. I think I am somewhat proportionate but I still need to loose weight.
The front of me.
The front again, you can see I really need to work on my arms.
The side view, you can really see my tummy needs work.
All in all I do not think I look totally horrendous. I have met other people my weight that had a more pronounced tummy or arms or whatever. I think I am somewhat proportionate but I still need to loose weight.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Proof is in the....Pants?!?!
OK, so I have been on a diet and I am trying to loose weight, since I have started I have not wore a specific pair of exercise pants (due to them being too tight). Today, I decided to wear the exercise pants because I am lazy and have not done laundry in a bit. Much to my surprise when I put them on the were actually better fitting. They were not bursting at the seams and they are not uncomfortable to wear. I have no idea if I am loosing weight or if my body is just shifting around and redistributing the fat elsewhere but I must say it was an ego boost to be able to fit into a pair of pants there previously I was not able to wear.
I have another doctors appointment on the 2nd of February and I will know if I have lost weight or not. I am also planning on trying to get some current pictures of me and post them. I will keep taking pictures to see if my body is going to change as I try to loose weight or if it is just shifting around.
I will apologize in advance for the pictures.
I have another doctors appointment on the 2nd of February and I will know if I have lost weight or not. I am also planning on trying to get some current pictures of me and post them. I will keep taking pictures to see if my body is going to change as I try to loose weight or if it is just shifting around.
I will apologize in advance for the pictures.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Taking out the garbage.
I believe in being honest, not only with others but with myself as well. I try to be as honest as I can without hurting people or starting fights, therefore a lot of what I think goes unsaid. I am not perfect, I sometimes exaggerate things and occasionally tell a while lie or two but for the most part I am honest.
In the time that my husband has been deployed I have been having a lot of emotional ups and downs. I find myself doubting if my husband loves me because of his conversations with other women. It is hard for me to feel like he is giving me all of his love when he is telling other women that he loves them. I understand that there are different types of love (friendship, romantic, family ET) but I just feel that if it were not of a romantic nature he would not have lied about it when I asked him about it. Since he has left and I found the first e-mail he wrote to Ashley Jean the day he left I have been wondering if he felt he made a mistake when he married me. I have been wondering if he wants to get out of our marriage. I have felt like maybe the best thing for me to do would be to leave. I have considered leaving my husband because despite how much I love him I cannot keep going through this pain every time he tells another woman he loves them.
Now to the title of my post, I am trying really hard to throw away the doubts in my mind. I am trying to stop feeling so insecure about my marriage to my husband. I am "cleaning out my closet" so to speak. I have been reading the Book of Mormon and the Bible trying to find answers and I have been praying to find some guidance. Every time I start to pray for an answer my throat closes up, my eyes start to fill with tears and I feel like crying like a baby. I feel so overcome with emotions that it is hard for me to sort through them all. There is a small voice in my head that I sometimes here when I pray about things. I believe that it is the Spirit guiding me when I search for answers. As I pray for guidance on if I should leave or not, I always get the voice telling me to have faith and to trust. I believe that I need to start trusting my husband; I need to have faith in him to do the right thing. He is a good person, he just makes bad choices. I believe that he is meant for me and me for him. Since the time I first met him I felt as though we were supposed to be together, and that we had always been together. So now I am trying to clear my heart of all the doubts, insecurities, pain, fear and anger. I know that it will not be easy nor will it happen overnight. There are going to be times where I will falter and let them overcome me but I will continue to work on it and continue to trust in my marriage.
In the time that my husband has been deployed I have been having a lot of emotional ups and downs. I find myself doubting if my husband loves me because of his conversations with other women. It is hard for me to feel like he is giving me all of his love when he is telling other women that he loves them. I understand that there are different types of love (friendship, romantic, family ET) but I just feel that if it were not of a romantic nature he would not have lied about it when I asked him about it. Since he has left and I found the first e-mail he wrote to Ashley Jean the day he left I have been wondering if he felt he made a mistake when he married me. I have been wondering if he wants to get out of our marriage. I have felt like maybe the best thing for me to do would be to leave. I have considered leaving my husband because despite how much I love him I cannot keep going through this pain every time he tells another woman he loves them.
Now to the title of my post, I am trying really hard to throw away the doubts in my mind. I am trying to stop feeling so insecure about my marriage to my husband. I am "cleaning out my closet" so to speak. I have been reading the Book of Mormon and the Bible trying to find answers and I have been praying to find some guidance. Every time I start to pray for an answer my throat closes up, my eyes start to fill with tears and I feel like crying like a baby. I feel so overcome with emotions that it is hard for me to sort through them all. There is a small voice in my head that I sometimes here when I pray about things. I believe that it is the Spirit guiding me when I search for answers. As I pray for guidance on if I should leave or not, I always get the voice telling me to have faith and to trust. I believe that I need to start trusting my husband; I need to have faith in him to do the right thing. He is a good person, he just makes bad choices. I believe that he is meant for me and me for him. Since the time I first met him I felt as though we were supposed to be together, and that we had always been together. So now I am trying to clear my heart of all the doubts, insecurities, pain, fear and anger. I know that it will not be easy nor will it happen overnight. There are going to be times where I will falter and let them overcome me but I will continue to work on it and continue to trust in my marriage.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Scriptures I wanted to share.
I have been trying to read the Bible and the Book of Mormon more often but I find that sometimes it is intimidating to pick them up and read. I sometimes cheat by going to LDS.org and just searching for a keyword, usually I pick a word that is on my mind. Tonight the words marriage and forgiveness were on my mind and these following quotes are some that I found helpful.
-"Our task is to become our best selves. One of God's greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final." --Thomas S. Monson, "The Will Within," Ensign, May 1987, 67
-"wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10.)
-“Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy loving kindness: …Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.” (Ps. 51:1–3.)
-“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else. And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out.” (D&C 42:22–23.)
-"Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?’ (3 Nephi 9:13).
I shared these with David and I hope that he sees in them something helpful.
-"Our task is to become our best selves. One of God's greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final." --Thomas S. Monson, "The Will Within," Ensign, May 1987, 67
-"wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10.)
-“Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy loving kindness: …Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.” (Ps. 51:1–3.)
-“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else. And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out.” (D&C 42:22–23.)
-"Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?’ (3 Nephi 9:13).
I shared these with David and I hope that he sees in them something helpful.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
God, time and dogs.
I have recently started talking to a cousin of mine that I have not spoken to since I was 18 or 19. She has been a heavy drug user since she has been about 14 or so and I find myself a bit upset. Not at her (although I am sad at the path she has chosen in her life) but that she has the ability to have children. She has two kids and right now they are not living with her. They were taken away from her because of her behavior.
My whole life I have lived by the rules and I try to be a good person. I have been through a lot, from being molested and raped by my biological father until I was 6 or 7, to being raped by a fellow child (he was 17, I was 8) in a state ran group home and then to being raped by a complete stranger (when I was 12) just because he could. I have loved a man so totally and deeply that I told him every secret that was in me to tell only to have him turn around and rip out my heart and use those secrets against me to hurt me more. I have forgiven people for hurting me, put aside my feelings of pain to comfort others, lived on the streets for two weeks, tolerated physical abuse and mental abuse because it was family. I have given people second, third, fourth, fifth ect chances. I have done so much and gave so much and yet I am not able to have children of my own. I find myself angry at God for denying me a child and yet people who make a mess of their lives, who take for granted everything that is a blessing in their lives are able to have children that they do not appreciate. I feel in my heart that there is at least one child waiting for me and I morn the fact that I have not been able to conceive a child to date.
I believe deeply in God and feel like he loves me and I don't like being angry at him. I try to understand that he has a plan for everyone, that he knows what is best and will only put things in our life that we are capable of handling. I also understand that before I was born I chose my path in life but at the same time I am soooo angry and hurt. I pray everyday for forgiveness for the feelings I have but I still feel them. I do not know how to stop feeling this way.
Time has been passing so slow lately. David left on November 12th and it is now only January 23rd. I wish that this deployment was over so that we can be together again. With everything that has been going on between us I think it has been worse than it otherwise would of been. I love David more than I have loved anyone ever before. Even when he riped my heart out I never stopped loving him and wanting to be with him. But I love myself as well and I don't like being hurt. I have given him so many chances to be the man that I know he can be but for some reason he will not step up. He is an amazing person but the choices he makes sometimes make he question if he really loves me. I hope that he realizes what he has in me because despite all of my flaws and insecurities I think I am a wonderful person. Time shall tell I suppose.
My dog has decided that he wants to get sick only when David is gone so I am the one who has to deal with it. I sometimes think having kids could not be worse than having a dog. He chews on things, constantly wants attention, whines about everything, demands to be fed constantly, makes a mess of everything, gets into things he is not supposed to and even manages to talk back to me. In other words he is a handful. Despite the fact that he drives me crazy I love him and want him to be better. Not just cause cleaning up after an 80 pound dog when it has diarrhea is gross but because I want him to be healthy and happy.
Now that I have complained a bit I do want to say that despite everything I have been through in my life, all the heartache, pain and sorrow my life has also been blessed with a lot. I have had joy and happiness. I am married to my best friend and I want to be with him for eternity. I have some amazing friends. I am blessed with having a place to live and food to eat. Despite my worries about money I am blessed that I do not HAVE to work but can if I choose to. I have a family that drives me crazy and despite our differences I do love them, just don't want to be around them for long periods of time and I am truly blessed for having great in-laws.
My whole life I have lived by the rules and I try to be a good person. I have been through a lot, from being molested and raped by my biological father until I was 6 or 7, to being raped by a fellow child (he was 17, I was 8) in a state ran group home and then to being raped by a complete stranger (when I was 12) just because he could. I have loved a man so totally and deeply that I told him every secret that was in me to tell only to have him turn around and rip out my heart and use those secrets against me to hurt me more. I have forgiven people for hurting me, put aside my feelings of pain to comfort others, lived on the streets for two weeks, tolerated physical abuse and mental abuse because it was family. I have given people second, third, fourth, fifth ect chances. I have done so much and gave so much and yet I am not able to have children of my own. I find myself angry at God for denying me a child and yet people who make a mess of their lives, who take for granted everything that is a blessing in their lives are able to have children that they do not appreciate. I feel in my heart that there is at least one child waiting for me and I morn the fact that I have not been able to conceive a child to date.
I believe deeply in God and feel like he loves me and I don't like being angry at him. I try to understand that he has a plan for everyone, that he knows what is best and will only put things in our life that we are capable of handling. I also understand that before I was born I chose my path in life but at the same time I am soooo angry and hurt. I pray everyday for forgiveness for the feelings I have but I still feel them. I do not know how to stop feeling this way.
Time has been passing so slow lately. David left on November 12th and it is now only January 23rd. I wish that this deployment was over so that we can be together again. With everything that has been going on between us I think it has been worse than it otherwise would of been. I love David more than I have loved anyone ever before. Even when he riped my heart out I never stopped loving him and wanting to be with him. But I love myself as well and I don't like being hurt. I have given him so many chances to be the man that I know he can be but for some reason he will not step up. He is an amazing person but the choices he makes sometimes make he question if he really loves me. I hope that he realizes what he has in me because despite all of my flaws and insecurities I think I am a wonderful person. Time shall tell I suppose.
My dog has decided that he wants to get sick only when David is gone so I am the one who has to deal with it. I sometimes think having kids could not be worse than having a dog. He chews on things, constantly wants attention, whines about everything, demands to be fed constantly, makes a mess of everything, gets into things he is not supposed to and even manages to talk back to me. In other words he is a handful. Despite the fact that he drives me crazy I love him and want him to be better. Not just cause cleaning up after an 80 pound dog when it has diarrhea is gross but because I want him to be healthy and happy.
Now that I have complained a bit I do want to say that despite everything I have been through in my life, all the heartache, pain and sorrow my life has also been blessed with a lot. I have had joy and happiness. I am married to my best friend and I want to be with him for eternity. I have some amazing friends. I am blessed with having a place to live and food to eat. Despite my worries about money I am blessed that I do not HAVE to work but can if I choose to. I have a family that drives me crazy and despite our differences I do love them, just don't want to be around them for long periods of time and I am truly blessed for having great in-laws.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Healthy eating.
I find that most of the healthy foods such as vegetables and fruits I really don't care for. There are a couple of exceptions, I LOVE broccoli, cauliflower and brussel sprouts but I can only eat so much of them before I grow tired of them. I have to eat a lot of protein so I have been trying to eat a lot of tuna and chicken but again you can only eat so much before you get tired of eating it. I am not a great cook, in fact my skills in the kitchen are minuscule but I do like to experiment with different seasonings. Tonight I was tired of chicken the way I usually make it (I usually do not fry it or bake it, I put it on the stove but I add water so it is more boiled than anything) so I decided to do something different. This morning I took my "healthy" size portion of chicken out and marinated it in 2 tablespoons of BBQ sauce and 4 cups of water. I also took a quarter of a lemon and squeezed the juice over the mixture so add just a little bit of flavor other than BBQ sauce. Now I know that BBQ sauce is not very healthy but I figured with how watered down it was and that I used so little it would be better than just putting it over the top and cooking it that way. So Anyway, I left it in the refrigerator for most of the day and when I was hungry, took it out and instead of using the stove I put it in the oven for 30 minutes. I did not drain the BBQ mixture but cooked it right in that and when it was finally ready the chicken was soooooooo good. It had just a faint taste of BBQ and lemon and it was tender and not at all tough, I was able to cut it with my fork with no effort. I do not think I will make it that way all the time but it was a nice change from unseasoned chicken. I also had broccoli and cauliflower mix that was steamed. I usually do not add salt or pepper or anything but this time I took another part of the lemon and squeezed the juice onto it and also added just a small pinch of pepper jack cheese. I did not smother it in cheese, just enough to have a slight taste on each bite. That was good as well but I think next time I will leave the cheese off.
I am on a low carb diet so I did not have anything else to eat but I am craving some pasta. I know I shouldn't eat it but it sounds so good. I will not eat any because I know that if I do my stomach will be upset for a couple of days because of my medication that I am on Meformin. What it does is basically take all the carbs and flush them out of my body in a most uncomfortable way. *sigh* I love breads and pastas.
David and I were thinking of starting a family when he gets home. In preparation of the possibility I have been wanting to sorta clean my body out. I am trying really hard to eat healthy. I have not been exercising lately cause I have not managed to find the effort to actually leave the house. I need to start exercising again but I think I will wait until I have my stitches removed from my cheek. I have also started on the path to quit smoking. THAT is going to be the toughest thing to do I think. I know I can do it, it is just a matter of getting mentally prepared and with everything that is going on with different things I am very stressed out. Haha, being stressed out does not help me in other ways. When I am stressed I tend to stop eating and I start sleeping. I can sleep all day when I am stressed out. That is really really bad for me but it is how I deal with stress. I do not know what is worse, being a stress eater or a stress sleeper. I am, in a way, thankful that I am not a stress eater because I am trying to stick to my diet.
My goal is to have lost at least 50 pounds by the end of the year. I was hoping that I would be able to loose an average of 2 pounds a week which would put me at 104 by the end of the year but I know myself. If I do not meet that goal then I will be discouraged and will give up. That is why I set it to 50 pounds. If I exceed the goal then I will be ecstatic. We shall see how it goes.
I am on a low carb diet so I did not have anything else to eat but I am craving some pasta. I know I shouldn't eat it but it sounds so good. I will not eat any because I know that if I do my stomach will be upset for a couple of days because of my medication that I am on Meformin. What it does is basically take all the carbs and flush them out of my body in a most uncomfortable way. *sigh* I love breads and pastas.
David and I were thinking of starting a family when he gets home. In preparation of the possibility I have been wanting to sorta clean my body out. I am trying really hard to eat healthy. I have not been exercising lately cause I have not managed to find the effort to actually leave the house. I need to start exercising again but I think I will wait until I have my stitches removed from my cheek. I have also started on the path to quit smoking. THAT is going to be the toughest thing to do I think. I know I can do it, it is just a matter of getting mentally prepared and with everything that is going on with different things I am very stressed out. Haha, being stressed out does not help me in other ways. When I am stressed I tend to stop eating and I start sleeping. I can sleep all day when I am stressed out. That is really really bad for me but it is how I deal with stress. I do not know what is worse, being a stress eater or a stress sleeper. I am, in a way, thankful that I am not a stress eater because I am trying to stick to my diet.
My goal is to have lost at least 50 pounds by the end of the year. I was hoping that I would be able to loose an average of 2 pounds a week which would put me at 104 by the end of the year but I know myself. If I do not meet that goal then I will be discouraged and will give up. That is why I set it to 50 pounds. If I exceed the goal then I will be ecstatic. We shall see how it goes.
Friday, January 21, 2011
A bunch of emotional stuff.
I am in so much emotional pain right now. I feel like crawling into bed and just sleeping for the rest of the year. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to make him realize that he is doing this to me. Maybe he does realize that he is doing it and just does not care. I don't think I deserve to be treated like I don't matter. I think that I deserve to be treated like his wife, like he loves me. I have been through so very much because of him and he just takes me for granted and will not stop hurting me. Why can I not stop loving him?
I prey that he stops. I pray that he realizes that the grass is not greener on the other side. I prey that he realizes that I love him so very much and probably more than anyone else ever will. I pray that soon, I stop hurting.
I prey that he stops. I pray that he realizes that the grass is not greener on the other side. I prey that he realizes that I love him so very much and probably more than anyone else ever will. I pray that soon, I stop hurting.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
OUCH!
(On a side note, because I am a vain narcissist-my eyes look lovely!) ;)
Now I have to wait for the dermatologist to submit a request for authorization to get laser hair removal. I was under the impression that it was already covered since TriCare already knew that I was looking for laser hair removal but I guess not. Now it is another waiting game.*Sighs*
I have not cheated on my diet again today. I had two bananas for breakfast, grapes for a snack. A sandwich and soup for lunch, carrots for a snack and a salad for dinner. I am still drinking enough water to sink the Titanic but I guess I am getting used to it because I am not craving soda as much today as I was yesterday.
I really wish David was here and was not writing to other girls that he loves them. Since he has left I have found out he was talking to two girls that way. I know he says that it is just as friends but to me he should not be telling any woman other than me and his family that he loves them. I think it is emotional cheating, especially the way he said it. His words were "I still love you. You know that, right?" On top of that he told her that she has a special place in his heart and always will. That seems to be a bit more than friends. I told him that he needs to start treating me the way I deserve to be treated. He needs to stop telling people that and if he is not able to stop saying it then he needs to stop talking to other girls. I don't know what to do. I love him so much but I don't want to be hurt over and over again. I wish that he could just be happy with me.
I guess we are working through it. I just feel like he needs to not talk to her anymore because of what was said on both parts because she said that loves him as well. I just feel like crying and never getting out of bed. Stupid men.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Temptations and laziness
I find it hard to not just jump in the car and drive to a fast food "restaurant" when I am hungry. In part it is because I am very lazy and do not want to make myself something to eat. (Also a small part is that it is so depressing cooking for one). I constantly fight the temptation to just go "out" to eat and today I gave in to the temptation. I went and got a breakfast muffin from the King of Burgers. :( Now I feel so ashamed of myself and not only emotionally upset but physically upset as well. It seems as though the breakfast muffin is sitting in the bottom of my stomach like a rock. I feel sick to my stomach and I think I can place the blame on the breakfast muffin and by default that makes it my fault since I went and got it. Ugh, I hate to take responsibility sometimes.
I am still under my calorie goal for the day but not by much. I will have to eat really healthy tonight to make up for my morning trip down temptation lane. That is OK though because I have been craving a leafy salad.
I have decided that I need to get a bathroom scale but that I should not weigh myself every day. I think I should weigh myself once a week, on the same day around the same time. That way I could get a more accurate average of what changes my body is going through, if any. I am not rushing out today to get a bathroom scale, right now it is low on my list of things to do but eventually I will get one and when I do I will put on here my weight each time I do weigh myself.
I will tell you this, I am kind of embarrassed putting up such personal information on the internet because there are people I do not know that may stumble across this blog, read it and judge me based on my weight. I KNOW I am heavy, but I also know that a large part of that is due to the PCOS (Please read previous post with the link on it) and also because I was hit by a car as a pedestrian which really messed me up and made it very painful to live an active life. If there are people who know me that are going to read this and still judge me then shame on them! They should know by now how awesome I am! ;)
Ah well, I suppose I must stop being lazy and actually make myself something to eat for dinner tonight. So until next time, Ta Ta for now.
I am still under my calorie goal for the day but not by much. I will have to eat really healthy tonight to make up for my morning trip down temptation lane. That is OK though because I have been craving a leafy salad.
I have decided that I need to get a bathroom scale but that I should not weigh myself every day. I think I should weigh myself once a week, on the same day around the same time. That way I could get a more accurate average of what changes my body is going through, if any. I am not rushing out today to get a bathroom scale, right now it is low on my list of things to do but eventually I will get one and when I do I will put on here my weight each time I do weigh myself.
I will tell you this, I am kind of embarrassed putting up such personal information on the internet because there are people I do not know that may stumble across this blog, read it and judge me based on my weight. I KNOW I am heavy, but I also know that a large part of that is due to the PCOS (Please read previous post with the link on it) and also because I was hit by a car as a pedestrian which really messed me up and made it very painful to live an active life. If there are people who know me that are going to read this and still judge me then shame on them! They should know by now how awesome I am! ;)
Ah well, I suppose I must stop being lazy and actually make myself something to eat for dinner tonight. So until next time, Ta Ta for now.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Ugh!
I REALLY need to loose some weight. I have the option of getting weight loss surgery but I am not sure if I would like to do that or not. My doctor said that with my physical problems such as my bad back and knees as well as my medical problem PCOS that getting weight loss surgery would be the best option for me. I have been sticking to a pretty strict diet consisting of:
1. Eating on a normal schedule, not every other day.
2. Staying under 1,500 calories to start and eventually going down to 1,000 calories a day.
2. NO carbohydrates! (I sure do miss bread and potatoes)
3. Very low sodium.
4. Water, water, water. I feel like I drink enough water to sink the Titanic.
Also, I have been trying to exercise more lately. I try to do 45 minutes three times a week at the least with a target heart rate of 160-170 for at least 30 minutes. With my knee and back being as bad as they are some mornings after I work out it is almost impossible for me to get out of bed. So far I have been back to the doctor once since I started my weight loss routine and I had lost 8 pounds. I get discouraged easy because I cannot see the results and I am SOOOOO tempted to cheat on my diet. I really want cake right now!
I was thinking of posting pictures of my progress but I am not sure if I am comfortable with that right now. We will see if I can muster up the courage. I will share my weight as I go on and on each of my doctors visits though.
12/28/2010 - Weight = 304 pounds!!!! OMG I feel so bad!
01/14/2011 - Weight = 298 pounds!!!! 8 pounds, a million more to go!
I hope to loose at least 100 pounds by the end of this year. If I loose an average of 2 pounds a week that is a very attainable goal.
Ah well, I will keep trying and if I continue to loose weight I will stop considering the weight loss surgery. We shall see.
1. Eating on a normal schedule, not every other day.
2. Staying under 1,500 calories to start and eventually going down to 1,000 calories a day.
2. NO carbohydrates! (I sure do miss bread and potatoes)
3. Very low sodium.
4. Water, water, water. I feel like I drink enough water to sink the Titanic.
Also, I have been trying to exercise more lately. I try to do 45 minutes three times a week at the least with a target heart rate of 160-170 for at least 30 minutes. With my knee and back being as bad as they are some mornings after I work out it is almost impossible for me to get out of bed. So far I have been back to the doctor once since I started my weight loss routine and I had lost 8 pounds. I get discouraged easy because I cannot see the results and I am SOOOOO tempted to cheat on my diet. I really want cake right now!
I was thinking of posting pictures of my progress but I am not sure if I am comfortable with that right now. We will see if I can muster up the courage. I will share my weight as I go on and on each of my doctors visits though.
12/28/2010 - Weight = 304 pounds!!!! OMG I feel so bad!
01/14/2011 - Weight = 298 pounds!!!! 8 pounds, a million more to go!
I hope to loose at least 100 pounds by the end of this year. If I loose an average of 2 pounds a week that is a very attainable goal.
Ah well, I will keep trying and if I continue to loose weight I will stop considering the weight loss surgery. We shall see.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Going slightly crazy.
It has now been 73 days since the last time I was able to hold my husband in my arms and to feel his arms around me. I think that I may be going slightly crazy. I woke up last night with the phantom feeling of him holding me while sleeping. Once I realized that he was not there I started sobbing because I wanted so badly to have him next to me and to feel him near me. Since he has been gone I have gone from deeply depressed to where every thought I had of him made me cry to where I do not even want to think of him because it hurt so much. At other times I am giddy with joy because I know that there has been almost two months that have gone by and that brings him so much closer to being together with me again.
This deployment started out so very rough. I found e-mails that my husband wrote to another woman telling her that he loves her and that he will miss her like crazy. I felt as though he was cheating on me. I found the e-mail the day after he left and I was not able to speak with him about it for the longest time. I was devastated and heart broken. We finally were able to communicate and to work through what happened but now I am constantly wondering if the reason he is not getting a hold of me is because he is talking to someone else. I do not know how to work through these feelings of distrust. I do not know if it will be better. I only know that I want him home and until he is home I will probably be slightly off balance.
I started school again. I originally started taking three classes but because of some various reasons I had to drop two of the classes and am now down to one class. I also have started going back to the doctors again to start the treatments for PCOS ( Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I have started to take the medications needed and I have appointments scheduled for dermatology to get laser hair removal. I am also going to be going to the dentist in the next few months. I started working out yesterday with a friend and managed to run 1.7 miles. Admittedly I am out of shape and I used to be able to run that plus a lot more without any problem but to run that much was extremely hard for me to do. I am proud that I actually did it though. Last time I went to the doctor my weight was 304lbs. I NEED to loose weight but with PCOS it is almost impossible to loose weight. Now that I have started taking the necessary medications and working out I am hoping that I will be able to loose the weight. I want to loose 100lbs by the time David gets home.
David and I discussed talking to my doctor about taking fertility medication because of the PCOS and we decided that I will start taking them in June/July so that when he comes home on R&R we can try to get pregnant. We both decided that right now would be a good time for us to start a family. I am nervous about the thought of having a child but at the same time I am excited. I have wanted to have children since the last time David and I were together way back in the day. I hope that things work out the way that we want.
I miss my husband very much and with the time that has passed the feelings of being empty and alone have not faded. At times they are not as strong as normal but on a daily basis it is a struggle for me to get out of bed, it is a struggle for me to find something positive to think about. It is a struggle for me to get dressed and leave the house. I know that I should and so I do, I also know that even though he is important in my life I have other things going for me as well but it is very hard to be apart from him. He is my best friend, the one person I want to tell everything to, the one person I feel I can be myself without having to edit what I say. With him I feel complete and now that he is gone I feel empty.
This deployment started out so very rough. I found e-mails that my husband wrote to another woman telling her that he loves her and that he will miss her like crazy. I felt as though he was cheating on me. I found the e-mail the day after he left and I was not able to speak with him about it for the longest time. I was devastated and heart broken. We finally were able to communicate and to work through what happened but now I am constantly wondering if the reason he is not getting a hold of me is because he is talking to someone else. I do not know how to work through these feelings of distrust. I do not know if it will be better. I only know that I want him home and until he is home I will probably be slightly off balance.
I started school again. I originally started taking three classes but because of some various reasons I had to drop two of the classes and am now down to one class. I also have started going back to the doctors again to start the treatments for PCOS ( Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I have started to take the medications needed and I have appointments scheduled for dermatology to get laser hair removal. I am also going to be going to the dentist in the next few months. I started working out yesterday with a friend and managed to run 1.7 miles. Admittedly I am out of shape and I used to be able to run that plus a lot more without any problem but to run that much was extremely hard for me to do. I am proud that I actually did it though. Last time I went to the doctor my weight was 304lbs. I NEED to loose weight but with PCOS it is almost impossible to loose weight. Now that I have started taking the necessary medications and working out I am hoping that I will be able to loose the weight. I want to loose 100lbs by the time David gets home.
David and I discussed talking to my doctor about taking fertility medication because of the PCOS and we decided that I will start taking them in June/July so that when he comes home on R&R we can try to get pregnant. We both decided that right now would be a good time for us to start a family. I am nervous about the thought of having a child but at the same time I am excited. I have wanted to have children since the last time David and I were together way back in the day. I hope that things work out the way that we want.
I miss my husband very much and with the time that has passed the feelings of being empty and alone have not faded. At times they are not as strong as normal but on a daily basis it is a struggle for me to get out of bed, it is a struggle for me to find something positive to think about. It is a struggle for me to get dressed and leave the house. I know that I should and so I do, I also know that even though he is important in my life I have other things going for me as well but it is very hard to be apart from him. He is my best friend, the one person I want to tell everything to, the one person I feel I can be myself without having to edit what I say. With him I feel complete and now that he is gone I feel empty.
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