Waiting.

I just got finished watching "The Green Mile" which is about a man on death row. It is actually a good movie and this was the first time I had seen it. I have been depressed and feeling neglected lately and while watching the movie I kinda felt as though I was kind of like the characters on death row. Nothing so dramatic as me dying or anything like that but in the sense I am waiting for something bad to happen. I know that I should not have these feelings but I cannot help it.

I am so in love with my husband and I go out of my way to let him know how much I care and I try very hard to make him happy in our relationship. I try very hard to make sure to tell him how amazing he is and how extraordinary he is and I know that I say it so often he kinda gets tired of hearing it but I feel it is important for him to hear how wonderful he is. At the same time I wonder when will it be my turn to feel amazing and wonderful, like he appreciates everything I go through for him and what I have had to move past and forgive in order to be with him.

David gets upset because I want to talk to him whenever we have a chance to talk. He says that there are days that he does not want to talk to anyone so he does not talk to me. Or if we do talk he gets impatient with me and I in turn get mad at him which is not a good thing for us to be doing to each other right now. He says that I should feel lucky he talks to me as much as he does and that he could go days without talking to me if he wanted to. Oh, that hurt when he said it because to me it felt as though he was saying he does not need to talk to me and that he does not need me or miss me.

It hurts that I know he has been online but chooses to not talk to me. It hurts knowing that he does not want to talk to me. It hurts to feel as though he does not care for me nor for my feelings. It hurts to feel as though I am disposable and not worth the effort. It hurts to be waiting for him to say he does not want to be with me anymore. I am so afraid that he will leave me but at the same time I am so tired of giving my all to him and feeling like I am getting nothing of him in return.

I know that David is in a stressful situation right now, I know that he is in a war zone. Because of those things I try very hard to not share with him my negative feelings. I try to keep a smile pasted on my face and pretend that I am not dying inside but I am not always able to keep up the pretense. Sometimes I crack, I break and fall apart. When this happens it is harder and harder to glue myself back together. I am afraid that one day I will not be able to.