Thoughts.

I am 30 years old but inside I still feel like a frightened 10 year old. Afraid that anything I say or do will get me into trouble and get me hurt, either physically or emotionally. I look around at the people that live around me and have a hard time connecting with any of them because despite the fact that I still feel like that frightened lost little 10 year old girl I do not act like it. I do not like to cause people pain or insecurities, I do not like to spread hatred or doubts and yet the people around me have no problem doing any of that. I am constantly bombarded with people telling me that my marriage will fail, that David will get kicked out of the Army, that David will cheat on me, that I am not doing enough to keep David happy, that I am not good enough to be in their lives. These opinions come from the immediate neighbors I have, from some family members and from some people online I have never even met in real life.

While all these things are being said that sad little girl inside me is crying and lately I am having a hard time not just sitting down and throwing a temper tantrum. When will I stop feeling so insecure, so inferior, and like I am not good enough? When will I start to finally feel like a grown up? When will those people actually grow up?

One thing I try to not do is judge people until I get to know them on a more personal level. I generally do not care what a person looks like, how they dress, what they drive or how they keep their house. Generally I try to judge them on how I feel around them, if I am comfortable with them, if they act comfortable around me. I will admit that there are some people I have judged upon my first meeting with them just because of things that were told to me about them and the immediate feeling I got from them.

I do not like being judged by people. I am shy, reserved, introverted and tend to stick to myself a lot. I have only had three really close friends in my life and I married one of them (what a blessing my husband is). Another one decided that she did not want to be friends with me anymore after years of being friends and the last is still a friend, just distant and very judgmental of me and my choice in religion. I can sometimes tell when people are judging me and if I am up to their standards or not. For instance I recently went to a formal occasion and David and I met up with another couple at their house. They had one of their friends there that I have never met. I walked in, sat down at the table and said "Hi, nice to finally meet you." This person looked at me for a second or two, grimaced and did not look at me or talk to me the rest of the night. It is pretty hard to miss that I was found faulty because I did not fit his idea of beauty.  Is it any wonder I tend to stick to myself a lot.

Oh well, I cannot think right now, I am in a funky mood and just kinda lonely. I want my best friend, my husband, to come home. I want him to hold me and tell me he loves me. I want to know that despite everything that everyone is saying that him and I are OK. I just want David.