I am 30 years old but inside I still feel like a frightened 10 year old. Afraid that anything I say or do will get me into trouble and get me hurt, either physically or emotionally. I look around at the people that live around me and have a hard time connecting with any of them because despite the fact that I still feel like that frightened lost little 10 year old girl I do not act like it. I do not like to cause people pain or insecurities, I do not like to spread hatred or doubts and yet the people around me have no problem doing any of that. I am constantly bombarded with people telling me that my marriage will fail, that David will get kicked out of the Army, that David will cheat on me, that I am not doing enough to keep David happy, that I am not good enough to be in their lives. These opinions come from the immediate neighbors I have, from some family members and from some people online I have never even met in real life.
While all these things are being said that sad little girl inside me is crying and lately I am having a hard time not just sitting down and throwing a temper tantrum. When will I stop feeling so insecure, so inferior, and like I am not good enough? When will I start to finally feel like a grown up? When will those people actually grow up?
One thing I try to not do is judge people until I get to know them on a more personal level. I generally do not care what a person looks like, how they dress, what they drive or how they keep their house. Generally I try to judge them on how I feel around them, if I am comfortable with them, if they act comfortable around me. I will admit that there are some people I have judged upon my first meeting with them just because of things that were told to me about them and the immediate feeling I got from them.
I do not like being judged by people. I am shy, reserved, introverted and tend to stick to myself a lot. I have only had three really close friends in my life and I married one of them (what a blessing my husband is). Another one decided that she did not want to be friends with me anymore after years of being friends and the last is still a friend, just distant and very judgmental of me and my choice in religion. I can sometimes tell when people are judging me and if I am up to their standards or not. For instance I recently went to a formal occasion and David and I met up with another couple at their house. They had one of their friends there that I have never met. I walked in, sat down at the table and said "Hi, nice to finally meet you." This person looked at me for a second or two, grimaced and did not look at me or talk to me the rest of the night. It is pretty hard to miss that I was found faulty because I did not fit his idea of beauty. Is it any wonder I tend to stick to myself a lot.
Oh well, I cannot think right now, I am in a funky mood and just kinda lonely. I want my best friend, my husband, to come home. I want him to hold me and tell me he loves me. I want to know that despite everything that everyone is saying that him and I are OK. I just want David.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wasabi peanuts.
My husband and I both love Wasabi peanuts. The initial pain or burn of eating a wasabi peanut is harsh enough to bring tears to one's eyes. Once, right after buying a bag of wasabi peanuts, David and I were driving home and as I was eating one my eyes started watering and my mouth was burning. I turned to David (with teary eyes) and said "Why do we do this to ourselves?" and then promptly ate another one. David thought that was hilarious and will still quote me to this day. The answer to that question is, despite the pain of eating the wasabi peanuts the joy after the pain is greater than the pain. I LOVE wasabi peanuts.
As I was scrubbing the kitchen floor today I was thinking about how painful this deployment has been for me. To be away from the person I love the most is terrible. For some reason I got a craving for wasabi peanuts and I can see the similarities between those and David being gone. The pain I feel as he is deployed or in training or any other reason the Army can think of to keep him from me is terrible. It brings tears to my eyes and I wonder to myself, why we are doing this to ourselves. The pain, loneliness, doubts, anger and sometimes even hatred (of being separated, not of David) is intense; it is sometimes all I can do to even get out of bed sometimes. In spite of all of those emotions I love my husband, I love our lives together and I am proud to be David's wife. I am proud of how far David has come and of how much potential he has.
I know that right now the pain is hard to get past, I know that I am struggling against all the negative emotions but I also know that the rewards of this life I have with David far outweigh this temporary situation. Seeing David grow as a person and as a soldier and to realize that he is able to do things he never thought he could do is so wonderful. To be married to such a wonderful man who is all of my dreams come true is one of my greatest treasures. David truly is my best friend, my better half and the man I want to spend eternity with. I love my soldier, he is my everything.
As I was scrubbing the kitchen floor today I was thinking about how painful this deployment has been for me. To be away from the person I love the most is terrible. For some reason I got a craving for wasabi peanuts and I can see the similarities between those and David being gone. The pain I feel as he is deployed or in training or any other reason the Army can think of to keep him from me is terrible. It brings tears to my eyes and I wonder to myself, why we are doing this to ourselves. The pain, loneliness, doubts, anger and sometimes even hatred (of being separated, not of David) is intense; it is sometimes all I can do to even get out of bed sometimes. In spite of all of those emotions I love my husband, I love our lives together and I am proud to be David's wife. I am proud of how far David has come and of how much potential he has.
I know that right now the pain is hard to get past, I know that I am struggling against all the negative emotions but I also know that the rewards of this life I have with David far outweigh this temporary situation. Seeing David grow as a person and as a soldier and to realize that he is able to do things he never thought he could do is so wonderful. To be married to such a wonderful man who is all of my dreams come true is one of my greatest treasures. David truly is my best friend, my better half and the man I want to spend eternity with. I love my soldier, he is my everything.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Waiting.
I just got finished watching "The Green Mile" which is about a man on death row. It is actually a good movie and this was the first time I had seen it. I have been depressed and feeling neglected lately and while watching the movie I kinda felt as though I was kind of like the characters on death row. Nothing so dramatic as me dying or anything like that but in the sense I am waiting for something bad to happen. I know that I should not have these feelings but I cannot help it.
I am so in love with my husband and I go out of my way to let him know how much I care and I try very hard to make him happy in our relationship. I try very hard to make sure to tell him how amazing he is and how extraordinary he is and I know that I say it so often he kinda gets tired of hearing it but I feel it is important for him to hear how wonderful he is. At the same time I wonder when will it be my turn to feel amazing and wonderful, like he appreciates everything I go through for him and what I have had to move past and forgive in order to be with him.
David gets upset because I want to talk to him whenever we have a chance to talk. He says that there are days that he does not want to talk to anyone so he does not talk to me. Or if we do talk he gets impatient with me and I in turn get mad at him which is not a good thing for us to be doing to each other right now. He says that I should feel lucky he talks to me as much as he does and that he could go days without talking to me if he wanted to. Oh, that hurt when he said it because to me it felt as though he was saying he does not need to talk to me and that he does not need me or miss me.
It hurts that I know he has been online but chooses to not talk to me. It hurts knowing that he does not want to talk to me. It hurts to feel as though he does not care for me nor for my feelings. It hurts to feel as though I am disposable and not worth the effort. It hurts to be waiting for him to say he does not want to be with me anymore. I am so afraid that he will leave me but at the same time I am so tired of giving my all to him and feeling like I am getting nothing of him in return.
I know that David is in a stressful situation right now, I know that he is in a war zone. Because of those things I try very hard to not share with him my negative feelings. I try to keep a smile pasted on my face and pretend that I am not dying inside but I am not always able to keep up the pretense. Sometimes I crack, I break and fall apart. When this happens it is harder and harder to glue myself back together. I am afraid that one day I will not be able to.
I am so in love with my husband and I go out of my way to let him know how much I care and I try very hard to make him happy in our relationship. I try very hard to make sure to tell him how amazing he is and how extraordinary he is and I know that I say it so often he kinda gets tired of hearing it but I feel it is important for him to hear how wonderful he is. At the same time I wonder when will it be my turn to feel amazing and wonderful, like he appreciates everything I go through for him and what I have had to move past and forgive in order to be with him.
David gets upset because I want to talk to him whenever we have a chance to talk. He says that there are days that he does not want to talk to anyone so he does not talk to me. Or if we do talk he gets impatient with me and I in turn get mad at him which is not a good thing for us to be doing to each other right now. He says that I should feel lucky he talks to me as much as he does and that he could go days without talking to me if he wanted to. Oh, that hurt when he said it because to me it felt as though he was saying he does not need to talk to me and that he does not need me or miss me.
It hurts that I know he has been online but chooses to not talk to me. It hurts knowing that he does not want to talk to me. It hurts to feel as though he does not care for me nor for my feelings. It hurts to feel as though I am disposable and not worth the effort. It hurts to be waiting for him to say he does not want to be with me anymore. I am so afraid that he will leave me but at the same time I am so tired of giving my all to him and feeling like I am getting nothing of him in return.
I know that David is in a stressful situation right now, I know that he is in a war zone. Because of those things I try very hard to not share with him my negative feelings. I try to keep a smile pasted on my face and pretend that I am not dying inside but I am not always able to keep up the pretense. Sometimes I crack, I break and fall apart. When this happens it is harder and harder to glue myself back together. I am afraid that one day I will not be able to.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Venting!
I do not have friends. Mostly because I tend to stick to myself and I have a hard time trusting people enough to let them get to close to me. That being said when I do make friends with someone I will do just about anything for them. Is it unfair of me to expect the same in return?
When I had oral surgery my "friend" took me there and drove me home as well as drove me around to get my prescriptions filled. That was nice of her and I was very appreciative. She also volunteered to take care of my dog for a couple of days till I started to feel better. That did not happen. Instead when I told her where all of his stuff was and whatnot she decided that she would rather stop by once and a while to check on him. That would of been OK but she never showed up to check on him. Thankfully I was able to take care of him with no real problem but I was still a little upset. Now she is gone and she has a friend who is having some personal problems and I am dog sitting both of their dogs. Not just for a day but from last night (Tuesday) till Friday! Normally I would not mind but I am still going through some stuff having to do with the dentist as well as preparing myself to have surgery on my leg (maybe). Added to that one of the dogs is a five month old lab who has not been trained at all, does not even respond to her name. Nikki's dog and her friends dog have been going potty inside the house. Nikki's dog has only done it a couple of times but the lab has done it about 10 times so far, even as far as going potty on my couch AND my bed. Added to that she has worms and threw up three times, one of those times was all over the top of my bed, down the side of the bed and all over my dogs head!
On top of my medical problems, my feeling that David is taking me for granted (he avoids talking to me when he can, more on that in a minute) my family problems and now the problems with my leg I am stressed out to the max. I feel like I am at my boiling point and I don't know what to do about it.
Lately David has kind of been avoiding me. I know that he gets online and on Facebook but instead of talking to me he plays games, watches music videos on YouTube or whatever else it is that he does. I am trying to have faith in my husband but I feel like I am not important enough for him to think about and for him to want to talk to me when he is able. I know that I am lucky that I get to speak with him as often as I do but at the same time I cannot help but to be hurt when he is online and he knows I am awake but makes no effort to get a hold of me. I feel guilty for thinking this but sometimes I wonder who he is talking to behind my back. I try really really hard to have faith in him and trust him but he makes it hard to do so sometimes. I love my husband very much and I try to show him that by being there for him when he needs me. I wish he would show me that he loves me by being there for me as well.
When I had oral surgery my "friend" took me there and drove me home as well as drove me around to get my prescriptions filled. That was nice of her and I was very appreciative. She also volunteered to take care of my dog for a couple of days till I started to feel better. That did not happen. Instead when I told her where all of his stuff was and whatnot she decided that she would rather stop by once and a while to check on him. That would of been OK but she never showed up to check on him. Thankfully I was able to take care of him with no real problem but I was still a little upset. Now she is gone and she has a friend who is having some personal problems and I am dog sitting both of their dogs. Not just for a day but from last night (Tuesday) till Friday! Normally I would not mind but I am still going through some stuff having to do with the dentist as well as preparing myself to have surgery on my leg (maybe). Added to that one of the dogs is a five month old lab who has not been trained at all, does not even respond to her name. Nikki's dog and her friends dog have been going potty inside the house. Nikki's dog has only done it a couple of times but the lab has done it about 10 times so far, even as far as going potty on my couch AND my bed. Added to that she has worms and threw up three times, one of those times was all over the top of my bed, down the side of the bed and all over my dogs head!
On top of my medical problems, my feeling that David is taking me for granted (he avoids talking to me when he can, more on that in a minute) my family problems and now the problems with my leg I am stressed out to the max. I feel like I am at my boiling point and I don't know what to do about it.
Lately David has kind of been avoiding me. I know that he gets online and on Facebook but instead of talking to me he plays games, watches music videos on YouTube or whatever else it is that he does. I am trying to have faith in my husband but I feel like I am not important enough for him to think about and for him to want to talk to me when he is able. I know that I am lucky that I get to speak with him as often as I do but at the same time I cannot help but to be hurt when he is online and he knows I am awake but makes no effort to get a hold of me. I feel guilty for thinking this but sometimes I wonder who he is talking to behind my back. I try really really hard to have faith in him and trust him but he makes it hard to do so sometimes. I love my husband very much and I try to show him that by being there for him when he needs me. I wish he would show me that he loves me by being there for me as well.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Its been awhile.
It has been awhile since I last posted something on here. On March 9th I had oral surgery, that has got to be one of the most painful things I have EVER gone through. Due to some genetic problems from my family and bad dental care while growing up I had extreme problems with some of me teeth. My dentist decided that pulling all of my upper teeth on top and getting a upper denture would be the best option for me. The surgeon was able to numb my mouth enough that taking the wisdom teeth out was no problem but I felt ALL of the others as he removed them (not just the pressure but the actual pain!). By the end of the hour long surgery I was in so much pain. After the surgery things were OK, I took the pain meds that were prescribed and for the first couple of days did not feel any pain but after the swelling has gone down the plate is now rubbing against my gums and causing tender spots. So far that is the worst part about the whole thing (except of course the surgery part).
I was surprised when I started bruising. I expected some bruises but the most prominent bruises were on my eyes. I look like I have been in a fight. I went to the doctor's office on Friday and had to convince my doctor that everything at home is OK and that my husband is actually deployed. She kept telling me that it was a safe place and if I needed to tell her anything I could. Today I went to the store to get some more soft food and an Officer came up and asked if everything was OK at home. I had to kinda giggle (as much as I could since it hurts to smile) and let him know I had oral surgery. It was kinda funny.
David has seen me since (via Skype) and says that I look weird. My neighbor says that I look completely different and not in a good way and others really have not said anything. I am kinda vain and I worry that I look worse than I did before.
I was surprised when I started bruising. I expected some bruises but the most prominent bruises were on my eyes. I look like I have been in a fight. I went to the doctor's office on Friday and had to convince my doctor that everything at home is OK and that my husband is actually deployed. She kept telling me that it was a safe place and if I needed to tell her anything I could. Today I went to the store to get some more soft food and an Officer came up and asked if everything was OK at home. I had to kinda giggle (as much as I could since it hurts to smile) and let him know I had oral surgery. It was kinda funny.
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| NOT my best picture but you can see the bruise (thank goodness they are finally going away) |
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| My new smile (kinda-It really really really hurts to smile) |
David has seen me since (via Skype) and says that I look weird. My neighbor says that I look completely different and not in a good way and others really have not said anything. I am kinda vain and I worry that I look worse than I did before.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Imagine me blushing!
I am having a pretty bad day mentally. Everything seems to be OK in my life right now. David and I are getting along great and I had the Sister Missionaries over for lunch (yummy chicken, Texas toast and brussel sprouts! YumYum) but mentally I am just having a funky day. I am tired and drained and scared of the upcoming surgery. Plus I think "Aunt Flow" is coming for a visit.
I have been having experiences with guys looking at me lately and I find that surprising, uncomfortable and at the same time flattering and today was no different. I am not looking my best, hair pulled back and fly aways everywhere. Puffy eyes from not sleeping very well, no make-up on and wearing my frumpy dumpy clothes. So when I was at the store today and a soldier not only looked at me but approached me just to say hello and tell me I was beautiful I was shocked! I must confess that it did brighten my mood a lot. I love my husband very much and want to be with him for eternity but I must confess (this sounds horrible!!!) that having another guy that I don't know tell me that I am beautiful made me feel so good about myself.
I have been having experiences with guys looking at me lately and I find that surprising, uncomfortable and at the same time flattering and today was no different. I am not looking my best, hair pulled back and fly aways everywhere. Puffy eyes from not sleeping very well, no make-up on and wearing my frumpy dumpy clothes. So when I was at the store today and a soldier not only looked at me but approached me just to say hello and tell me I was beautiful I was shocked! I must confess that it did brighten my mood a lot. I love my husband very much and want to be with him for eternity but I must confess (this sounds horrible!!!) that having another guy that I don't know tell me that I am beautiful made me feel so good about myself.
Monday, March 7, 2011
I like free stuff!
Someone gave me a link today heyitsfree.com and I got $25.00 worth of makeup samples with a makeup bag from Target. They said it will be here in 6-8 weeks. I will let you know if I actually get it or not. Some of the offers are great! Just thought I would share.
A convenient excuse.
Apparently when I decided to work out at one of the main gyms on post I chose the wrong time to go. When I got to the gym it was secondary PT for the soldiers and the place was packed. I still went ahead and went in (even though I hate working out around other people) and managed to snag a treadmill with no problems. I was doing my normal routine when I noticed that the guy on the machine next to me kept staring at me and at one point I looked behind me to find another guy staring at me. I have a lot of issues with my body but I do know that some guys seem to think I am sexy and, for me, to be stared at is uncomfortable. Not to sound conceited but it did not seem like they were exactly hating the view. In fact the guy next to me even smiled at me when he noticed that I noticed him looking at me.
After about 30 minutes into my workout my knee popped out of place. It is something that happens a lot with me and usually I have no problem, it goes back in place and after a couple of minutes the pain stops enough that I can get on with my workout. Today when it happened I used it as an excuse to go ahead and leave because I was just so uncomfortable with all the guys being there. I know that it was just an excuse to leave and I know that I need to get over my aversion to crowds but today I gladly grabbed the excuse and ran with it. I will go back later tonight when I know there will not be a lot of people around and have another go at finishing my workout.
On the plus side, in the 30 minutes I was there I did manage to walk/jog 2 miles at a 3% incline!
After about 30 minutes into my workout my knee popped out of place. It is something that happens a lot with me and usually I have no problem, it goes back in place and after a couple of minutes the pain stops enough that I can get on with my workout. Today when it happened I used it as an excuse to go ahead and leave because I was just so uncomfortable with all the guys being there. I know that it was just an excuse to leave and I know that I need to get over my aversion to crowds but today I gladly grabbed the excuse and ran with it. I will go back later tonight when I know there will not be a lot of people around and have another go at finishing my workout.
On the plus side, in the 30 minutes I was there I did manage to walk/jog 2 miles at a 3% incline!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Ideal vs. Realistic
I have been doing some research regarding peoples "ideal" body weight. For someone my height and with my frame (medium/large) the research shows that my ideal body weight should be from 135lbs to 169lbs. Realistically speaking I don't think that I will ever reach 135lbs nor even 155lbs, I have too much going on in the hip and chest department to ever be tiny like that. I think that a good goal for me should be about 170lbs-175lbs. I do not want to be a Skinny Minny, I like having curves and David loves the "junk in my trunk" so if I get to a weight where I am comfortable I will just work to maintain that weight and not to look like societies version of the "ideal" woman. The hardest part is going to be actually getting to my target weight. I know it is not a good idea to weight yourself a lot because the results could be varied from day to day but passing by the scale and not stepping on for a minute is hard. Today I stepped on the scale and my weight is currently at 292lbs. I have lost another 3lbs since Sunday. I know that a healthy weight loss is about two pounds a week but I am happy that I have lost so much since I seriously started working out. Also, my eating habits have gotten better. I am trying to eat more and healthier. Today I had a little over 1000 calories which for me is a great thing. I have a hard time just eating 800 calories a day. I have been drinking a lot of water as well and have been avoiding other drinks like soda. (Although I did goto the movies tonight with friends and had a Pepsi Max). I hope that by the time David gets home I will be at least half way to MY ideal weight for me.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Nasty notes.
Without knowing anything about what I have been doing or who I have called regarding my family, my brother decided one day to attack me on one of my FB posts. In turn (because it happens so often) I deleted him from my friend list and sent him a letter telling him I was tired of the personal attacks against me. This is one of his responses regarding me deleting him from FB. (Sorry about the language, this is actually the cleanest one).
"did you get mad at me once again?? well im sorry but just about all i ever see on here is you saying something about how david is gone. i can understand that you miss him but you do have other family on here that would appreciate your support even if it is a call to see how they are doing. i dont know if you know this or not but both grandma and grampa have serious health conditions like grampa has stage 4 lung cancer and had to have a partial hip replacement surgery and still has 2 broken ribs. grandma is losing her vision because of diabetic retinopathy and had to have another stint put into her heart(3 stints and a pacemaker in a year). if youre gonna be mad at me then be mad at me i guess this is just my version of tough love. and instead of removing me and adding me to your friends list everytime you get mad why dont you buck up and say hey that hurt my feelings instead of acting all childish we may not have been a very close family but who the hell else are we gonna depend on when the shit hits the fan? i dont care if you want me on your friends list or want to talk to me but at least find out about grandma and grandpa."
I have talked to my grandmother at least once a week for the last month and a half, I have spoke with my mother about what is going on as well as my aunt and other family members. Because I choose to not speak with my brother because I don't like him and do not approve of his past actions he decides that I do not know anything.
"did you get mad at me once again?? well im sorry but just about all i ever see on here is you saying something about how david is gone. i can understand that you miss him but you do have other family on here that would appreciate your support even if it is a call to see how they are doing. i dont know if you know this or not but both grandma and grampa have serious health conditions like grampa has stage 4 lung cancer and had to have a partial hip replacement surgery and still has 2 broken ribs. grandma is losing her vision because of diabetic retinopathy and had to have another stint put into her heart(3 stints and a pacemaker in a year). if youre gonna be mad at me then be mad at me i guess this is just my version of tough love. and instead of removing me and adding me to your friends list everytime you get mad why dont you buck up and say hey that hurt my feelings instead of acting all childish we may not have been a very close family but who the hell else are we gonna depend on when the shit hits the fan? i dont care if you want me on your friends list or want to talk to me but at least find out about grandma and grandpa."
I have talked to my grandmother at least once a week for the last month and a half, I have spoke with my mother about what is going on as well as my aunt and other family members. Because I choose to not speak with my brother because I don't like him and do not approve of his past actions he decides that I do not know anything.
I have told Lonnie to not attack me or my post repeatedly and honestly I do not think it is any of his business who I do or don't talk to. He is only family because I have not figured out a way to divorce my brother.
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