Sunday, November 6, 2011
ugh!
I am not feeling well today and I am not sure if that is due to me being sick for the last couple of days or if it is my medications. I went to a spine specialist and they put me on pain management medicines that tend to make me tired and I sleep a lot. Last night I missed a dose because I had to take Melanie up to her husbands redeployment ceremony and I did not want to fall asleep. We did not get back until 5a.m. (6a.m. without daylight savings time) so when I got home I went ahead and took my medication. Well, I woke up at 8a.m. and because that is around the time I normally take the meds I went ahead and took them, still sleepy and confused from being woken up and not realizing my mistake. So now I am all sick and nauseous, throwing up and sweaty. I hate these medications.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Thankful.
David has been having a lot of trouble where he is at. He has been getting in trouble and getting "smoked" a lot. He pretty much had given up on doing things write and was being very forgetful and just not wanting to be there. He was even talking about trying to get out of the Army once he got home and he was very depressed and despondent. It seemed that no matter how hard he tried to do right he was always in trouble. He got in trouble again one day for something that was not his fault and another Sargent walked by and saw what was happening again and told David's Sargent to transfer David to his squad. David said that the Sargent did not like the way that David was being treated. David was then transferred to another squad and since then has been doing amazing. His mood has improved. He is no longer a gloomy Gus and his outlook on his career is 100% better.
For the last couple of months (since David starting having so many problems) I have been praying and praying for Heavenly Father to help him out. I told David to pray and one day when I mentioned it he finally told me that he started praying again and reading the scriptures again. Shortly after he started to pray and read he was transferred. I am grateful that the change happened for David and that the prayers were answered.
Back to the squad thing, David mentioned that he felt sorry for one of his old squad mates. I asked why and he said that since he is in a new squad this other guy is getting smoked a lot and is in trouble a lot. The problem with that squad is the guys are letting their rank go to their head and get cheap thrills from torturing the lower ranking guys. It is a shame that happens because it makes the guys not want to do right, it makes them just want to give up and get out of the Army. It does not foster a sense of belonging or of loyalty.
That reminded me of a quote that I really like that I saw on David's new Sargent's FB wall.
"Leadership is solving problems. The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership. "
-Colin Powell
For the last couple of months (since David starting having so many problems) I have been praying and praying for Heavenly Father to help him out. I told David to pray and one day when I mentioned it he finally told me that he started praying again and reading the scriptures again. Shortly after he started to pray and read he was transferred. I am grateful that the change happened for David and that the prayers were answered.
Back to the squad thing, David mentioned that he felt sorry for one of his old squad mates. I asked why and he said that since he is in a new squad this other guy is getting smoked a lot and is in trouble a lot. The problem with that squad is the guys are letting their rank go to their head and get cheap thrills from torturing the lower ranking guys. It is a shame that happens because it makes the guys not want to do right, it makes them just want to give up and get out of the Army. It does not foster a sense of belonging or of loyalty.
That reminded me of a quote that I really like that I saw on David's new Sargent's FB wall.
"Leadership is solving problems. The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership. "
-Colin Powell
Also, on a happy note (for me) I talked David into going to the ball and because I didn't want him to change his mind I ran out today and bought my dress. That way if he says he does not want to go I can point out that I already spent the money on the dress!!!! haha
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Sneaky and dishonest.
I do not like people who are sneaky and dishonest. That pretty much is my entire family so therefore you know I do not like my entire family.
There has been recent drama with my sister and aunt. I heard from a friend to watch out on FB because my sister has a fake profile (under a guys name) that she is using to get information about people who will not speak with her. I think it is sneaky, dishonest, rude and immature. If you want information about someone go to that person and ask. Do not lie about it. So I found out that this fake profile is a "friend" of my little sisters. While her and I are not close, the fact that I did not like that she was being lied to and that I do not agree with how Leslie is getting information, I called her and told her about the fake profile.
I also know that my sister is using the profile to talk to a girl that my aunt's ex husband (Troy) had a baby with after him and Davina (my aunt) got divorced but before they got back together. I was informed that Leslie is writing to this woman in a romantic way, getting close to this woman and that the woman has told the fake profile (Leslie) that she loves him and he (Leslie again) said it back to her. I feel that this is very hateful and hurtful to do to a person so I feel like I should write to all of the friends on this fake profile and let them know it is actually Leslie doing it. I also feel like I should send a message to Leslie via the fake profile letting her know that I emailed the people and I think what she is doing is shady.
One of the only reasons I do not do it (but I am seriously thinking about doing it) is that if I do that, the woman that had Troy's baby will get back in the middle of Troy and Davina's relationship, saying that Davina played a part in the lie. While I do not like Troy it is not my place to mess with their relationship. I feel like if I did email the friends on this fake profile then something happened in their relationship I would be responsible and I do not want to be responsible for causing trouble in anyone's relationship.
Oh, what to do, what to do????
There has been recent drama with my sister and aunt. I heard from a friend to watch out on FB because my sister has a fake profile (under a guys name) that she is using to get information about people who will not speak with her. I think it is sneaky, dishonest, rude and immature. If you want information about someone go to that person and ask. Do not lie about it. So I found out that this fake profile is a "friend" of my little sisters. While her and I are not close, the fact that I did not like that she was being lied to and that I do not agree with how Leslie is getting information, I called her and told her about the fake profile.
I also know that my sister is using the profile to talk to a girl that my aunt's ex husband (Troy) had a baby with after him and Davina (my aunt) got divorced but before they got back together. I was informed that Leslie is writing to this woman in a romantic way, getting close to this woman and that the woman has told the fake profile (Leslie) that she loves him and he (Leslie again) said it back to her. I feel that this is very hateful and hurtful to do to a person so I feel like I should write to all of the friends on this fake profile and let them know it is actually Leslie doing it. I also feel like I should send a message to Leslie via the fake profile letting her know that I emailed the people and I think what she is doing is shady.
One of the only reasons I do not do it (but I am seriously thinking about doing it) is that if I do that, the woman that had Troy's baby will get back in the middle of Troy and Davina's relationship, saying that Davina played a part in the lie. While I do not like Troy it is not my place to mess with their relationship. I feel like if I did email the friends on this fake profile then something happened in their relationship I would be responsible and I do not want to be responsible for causing trouble in anyone's relationship.
Oh, what to do, what to do????
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
...
The time is almost here where David will be home from deployment. There is already a ball scheduled for January and David informed me that he did not want to go. I went to Salina with Nikki the other day to look for a dress so she and her husband to go and since I was there I tried on a dress I liked. I feel in love with it. I actually felt like a beautiful person in the dress instead of a ball of nastiness. I really wanted to get the dress and go to the ball because I felt like a princess (something that has never happened before). David still said no. *sighs* oh well.
OMG!
Today, for giggles, I decided to take my measurements to find my correct bra size. It seems no matter what bra I buy it never fits right. So I got my measuring tape out and this is the conclusion
Band = 39
Bust = 50
So based on the calculations I am supposed to be either a 38J or a 40J! No wonder I have problems finding a bra that fits me, most stores only sell up to a DD.
SMH
Band = 39
Bust = 50
So based on the calculations I am supposed to be either a 38J or a 40J! No wonder I have problems finding a bra that fits me, most stores only sell up to a DD.
SMH
Friday, September 23, 2011
Loaded with taste?
I recently went grocery shopping (gasp!) and picked up some cans of soup. With the promise of being "loaded with taste" and my appetite actually being present I was looking forward to having some yummy soup. I open the can, pour the soup in the pan, patiently wait for it to warm up and finally am able to put some in a bowl to enjoy. I sit down at the table loaded up with my bowl of soup, napkin, spoon, crackers and glass of ice water. I take a spoonful, greatly anticipating this soup that is "loaded with taste". I take my first bite and it taste like I am eating a spoonful of salt water. I was so upset.
When did being loaded with taste, or tasty or yummy or delicious become the same thing as being chalked full of salt, sugar or a combination of both? When did people start to dislike the taste of real food so much that they thought putting in too much salt to overpower the taste of the food was a good thing? Great, just when I start wanting to eat after years of not having an appetite the food is blah. :(
When did being loaded with taste, or tasty or yummy or delicious become the same thing as being chalked full of salt, sugar or a combination of both? When did people start to dislike the taste of real food so much that they thought putting in too much salt to overpower the taste of the food was a good thing? Great, just when I start wanting to eat after years of not having an appetite the food is blah. :(
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
*sobs*
So I don't know if it is from being sick, missing David or trying to decide what to do but for whatever reason I find myself crying. A lot. I saw a commercial on T.V. that was advertising alcohol and I cried because of the image it gives little ones. I watched a horror movie and cried because the people got killed. I looked at my pretty socks and just sat there and cried and I have no idea why.
I kinda wish I had someone around that I can talk to but there is no one.
I kinda wish I had someone around that I can talk to but there is no one.
blah
I am sick, again. I have missed three days of school so far and with classes being so condensed and the cycles so short I may not be able to catch up with all three of the classes. I am considering just dropping the classes because I still feel really bad and will most likely not make it to school tomorrow as well. :(
I don't know if being sick is because of stress or if it is because it is simply going around again. I am not sure at this point if I even care WHY I am sick, just that I am.
Today is the 5th day that I have not been able to speak with David. I asked him (the last time I spoke with him) to call me if he is not going to have internet but so far he has not. I don't know if it is because he does not have service where he is (he has his cell phone) or if he just does not want to call. What I do know is that I miss hearing his voice.
I don't know if being sick is because of stress or if it is because it is simply going around again. I am not sure at this point if I even care WHY I am sick, just that I am.
Today is the 5th day that I have not been able to speak with David. I asked him (the last time I spoke with him) to call me if he is not going to have internet but so far he has not. I don't know if it is because he does not have service where he is (he has his cell phone) or if he just does not want to call. What I do know is that I miss hearing his voice.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Right v.s. Easy.
Often I find myself having to make a choice between something that is right, or that is easy. It is so tempting sometimes to just go with the easy choice. Less stress, less headache, less heartache. It would be so easy to just get up and walk away from everything. To just say "forget it". To do the right thing is sometimes hard. It requires work, sometimes tears, pain and even faith. Faith that even though doing the right thing may be hard, it is right and good. Sometimes I just wish other people were more inclined to do the right thing instead of being selfish.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
My pretty socks.
OK. Yes, I have an obsession right now with my socks. I like my socks. When I am down I look at my bright and colorful socks and cheer up a little bit.
In school there are about 5 people who ask me what socks I am wearing every day I see them. They always smile and/or laugh when they see my socks. Sloame (a girl in class) says that they help brighten her day as well!
 |
| My Favorite!!! |
 |
| My second Favorite! |
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| I don't like these as much but they still make me smile. |
Color Code: BLUE: The Social Butterfly
14% Red, 66% Blue, 20% White and 0% Yellow!
BLUE MOTIVE: Intimacy
BLUE NEEDS: To be good (morally), To be understood, To be appreciated, Acceptance.
BLUE WANTS: To reveal insecurities, Quality, Autonomy, Security.
SUMMARY: Blues are motivated by altruism. They love to do nice things for others. they look for opportunites to give up something in order to bring another person happiness. selflessness rather than selfishness is their guiding philosophy. Blues seek intimacy. They want to be loved and to love. A true blue will sacrifice a successful career to improve an important relationship. Blues crave being understood. They are gratified when they are listened to, when they feel understood and appreciated. Blues may have thier hearts broken more than most people, but they also spend much more time in love. Blues are directed by a strong moral conscience. They have a moral code that guides them in their decision making, their value judgements, and their leisure time. A blue would rather lose than cheat. Ethically, blues are people who should be in positions of power, but seldom are.
I find this interesting. I took a different version of the test a while back and got White.
BLUE NEEDS: To be good (morally), To be understood, To be appreciated, Acceptance.
BLUE WANTS: To reveal insecurities, Quality, Autonomy, Security.
SUMMARY: Blues are motivated by altruism. They love to do nice things for others. they look for opportunites to give up something in order to bring another person happiness. selflessness rather than selfishness is their guiding philosophy. Blues seek intimacy. They want to be loved and to love. A true blue will sacrifice a successful career to improve an important relationship. Blues crave being understood. They are gratified when they are listened to, when they feel understood and appreciated. Blues may have thier hearts broken more than most people, but they also spend much more time in love. Blues are directed by a strong moral conscience. They have a moral code that guides them in their decision making, their value judgements, and their leisure time. A blue would rather lose than cheat. Ethically, blues are people who should be in positions of power, but seldom are.
I find this interesting. I took a different version of the test a while back and got White.
I do not think I am a social butterfly, in fact I tend to avoid people because I do not like a lot of people around me. I agree with most of the summary though.
I wonder what the other colors mean.
Friday, September 9, 2011
This makes me MAD!
There is a new Facebook page called Overly Sensitive Military Wives. I understand the idea behind the page. It is basically against women who marry men in the military to get the benefits, don't work and complain a lot. Going through the page though it is a bunch of people who are complaining about military wives having bumber stickers on their car in support of their husbands, or military wives wearing hoodies with certian expressions on them or military wives who are over weight. In fact people will take a picture of someone at the PX that they consider a "Dependopotomus" (an overweight dependent. Depend=dependent Opotomus=Hippo.) and post it on their wall for everyone to make fun of. They do not bother to get to know they person they are making fun of, they just sit back and pass judgement on people. It makes me so MAD.
Apparently the filter I used to have is broken and because of that I had to post on their wall. The following is what I said:
I cry because I miss my husband, I sometimes don't feel like changing out of my pajamas. I spend my husband’s money and I am overweight. I have stickers on my car that say I support my husband and I have an ACU bag that I made and carry around. I guess I am an OSMW.
On the other hand, I get up every morning and go to class or work, I am on a 7 day schedule where I don't have days off. When I do have a day off it is nice to not have to get dressed and just be lazy for a change. I spend my husband's money on OUR bills that we have in order to live and I contribute to the income with my part time job. I have a thyroid problem and PCOS that causes weight gain and a broken back that makes working out difficult. I like the stickers I have, it shows people I support and love my husband and yes, I like my ACU bag, it is from something my husband wore and reminds me of him. And yes, I cry because I miss my husband, it is natural to miss the man you love, if you didn't cry at some point or if you didn't miss your husband perhaps there is something wrong in your marriage. When my husband married me I was the same person I am today and I married my husband before he was in the Military. Go ahead, judge me if you want.
So far all the comment have been along the lines that I do not understand where the page is coming from and all I can do is sit here and shake my head. Going through the post I understand perfectly. The women on there are being the very wives that they are making fun of. Why can't people just let people live their lives?
Apparently the filter I used to have is broken and because of that I had to post on their wall. The following is what I said:
I cry because I miss my husband, I sometimes don't feel like changing out of my pajamas. I spend my husband’s money and I am overweight. I have stickers on my car that say I support my husband and I have an ACU bag that I made and carry around. I guess I am an OSMW.
On the other hand, I get up every morning and go to class or work, I am on a 7 day schedule where I don't have days off. When I do have a day off it is nice to not have to get dressed and just be lazy for a change. I spend my husband's money on OUR bills that we have in order to live and I contribute to the income with my part time job. I have a thyroid problem and PCOS that causes weight gain and a broken back that makes working out difficult. I like the stickers I have, it shows people I support and love my husband and yes, I like my ACU bag, it is from something my husband wore and reminds me of him. And yes, I cry because I miss my husband, it is natural to miss the man you love, if you didn't cry at some point or if you didn't miss your husband perhaps there is something wrong in your marriage. When my husband married me I was the same person I am today and I married my husband before he was in the Military. Go ahead, judge me if you want.
So far all the comment have been along the lines that I do not understand where the page is coming from and all I can do is sit here and shake my head. Going through the post I understand perfectly. The women on there are being the very wives that they are making fun of. Why can't people just let people live their lives?
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Day 30
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
Dear Me,
I don't know.
Sincerely,
Me
Dear Me,
I don't know.
Sincerely,
Me
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Just STOP already.
Recently my Aunt Davina deleted me from her friends list on Facebook. I asked her about it and this is our conversation:
Then today on Skype my sister contacted me, this is our conversation:
The back story (at least on my side of things):
My Aunt Davina moved to Kentucky to be around my sister and I moved out there to be around family. My Aunt and I get along with each other when she is NOT with her (ex)husband. My sister and my Aunt get along about as well as oil and water. I moved out and eventually moved away to be with David (and away from my family) and Leslie and Davina kept fighting, and I was "friends" with both of them through facebook.
While David was gone in Basic, Davina introduced me to her friend Eve, who is an Army wife. Eve and I got along really well and became friends. Because she is in Campbell her and I hung out a lot and when I go to TN to visit with my family in law I visit with Eve. The Christmas before last Davina made a trip to TN to visit with people, called me up and said that she was going to stop by and visit me. She never showed up. Then last Christmas I was in TN and Davina said that she was going to go to TN to visit but when she realized I was there she decided not to. The day AFTER I left TN she decided that she was going there to visit.
Recently Leslie deleted me from her friends list on FB, I asked why, she said it was because I never talked to her. I pointed out to her that when I did make a comment she ignored me. Then Davina deleted me and that is the first conversation.
Furthermore, Davina and her (ex)husband are not good people together. They bring out everything that is bad in each other. Davina becomes all about money and what people can do for her because that is how her (ex)husband is. Troy is just not a nice person. So when he is around I do not like her. I have told her this and when she divorced him I told her that if she got back with him I would not go and visit her anymore but she was welcome to see me if he was not around. Recently she asked if I would go visit her and I told her no. I do not want to be around Troy or her (when she is around Troy) I then invited HER and my cousin Kaela to come visit me. She said no.
I am tired of the drama and wish that it would stop. I deliberately have NOTHING to do with these people because it is like this only worse on a daily basis. I cannot deal with the stress of them plus everything I have going on in my life. If they want to be toxic towards each other and if they want to treat each other as punching bags - both emotionally and physically - that is their business but please LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.
- Hey there, can I ask why you deleted me from FB?
- August 25Davina Draizen
- well i went on your facebook and seen that you had your pics hid..i do not want you to feel you have to hide stuff for my feelings..plus i feel that i am being drug unwillingly into drama over here. (not of your doing) i have toyed with the idea of deleting my facebook all together. i just want peace but it is kinda hard where i live if you get my drift always hearing about family drama and half are probably lies...feel its safer to keep my real realtionships off of face book> i lost your number so here is mine 859-xxx-xxxx my phone exploded....i love you
- Did you get message?
- August 30Tracie Waldroup
- Yeah, I got your message, just was not quite sure what to think about it. Also have been busy with school and such. My number is 931-494-0865.
Not really much to think about it..it is what it is..
I got ur number recorded
I got ur number recorded
Then today on Skype my sister contacted me, this is our conversation:
[5:50:54 PM] Leslie Bigelow: do you still talk with davina?
[5:51:12 PM] Tracie Waldroup: Not really. You?
[5:51:54 PM] Leslie Bigelow: long storie but since troy has come back she is like the old davina but worse
[5:52:20 PM] Leslie Bigelow: she is shuttin out everyone that doesnt kiss her ass
[5:52:40 PM] Tracie Waldroup: she deleted me from fb and not david. asked her why she said too much drama
[5:54:08 PM] Leslie Bigelow: no it was becouse you never stop in to see her but you alway go and see evland. she said if you could stop in to see her friend and not her then you didnt need to be on her facebook and you didnt need to ever talk to her again.
[5:56:08 PM] Leslie Bigelow: she came over her and said we were going to stick togethere and be there for each othere and she would be back the next day to see us and never showed then deleted me and told cody sorry she couldnt have him on her facebook becouse of me.. have no clue why.. she is all about troy and acted like he is her dad
[5:56:31 PM] Leslie Bigelow: it is crazy
[5:57:26 PM] Tracie Waldroup: idk, she went to clarksville once and said she was going to stop by and see me but never did. Then she was going to go to Clarksville to see Eve while I was there but at the last minute changed her mind and after I left Clarksville went to see her.
[5:58:17 PM] Leslie Bigelow: ya since troy has been back she is all about him and never leaves his side
[5:58:58 PM] Leslie Bigelow: she acts like she doesnt even no use when she sees us and then tryes to be a drama queen and poor me with my kids
[5:59:15 PM] Tracie Waldroup: idk, i stay out of things
[5:59:40 PM] Leslie Bigelow: i have till no couse i dont understand any of it..
[5:59:54 PM] Leslie Bigelow: mom did the same thing with torie
[6:00:11 PM] Leslie Bigelow: just thought maybe you new
[6:00:32 PM] Tracie Waldroup: No, I don't know.
[6:00:47 PM] Leslie Bigelow: did i make you mad?
[6:01:00 PM] Tracie Waldroup: No, I am not mad. I just do not know anything,
[6:01:22 PM] Leslie Bigelow: ok. how are you doin?
[6:01:41 PM] Tracie Waldroup: I am doing OK. Skyping with David.
[6:01:50 PM] Leslie Bigelow: o ok
[6:01:54 PM] Leslie Bigelow: by then
[6:02:04 PM] Tracie Waldroup: I will ttyl
[6:02:07 PM] Leslie Bigelow: k
The back story (at least on my side of things):
My Aunt Davina moved to Kentucky to be around my sister and I moved out there to be around family. My Aunt and I get along with each other when she is NOT with her (ex)husband. My sister and my Aunt get along about as well as oil and water. I moved out and eventually moved away to be with David (and away from my family) and Leslie and Davina kept fighting, and I was "friends" with both of them through facebook.
While David was gone in Basic, Davina introduced me to her friend Eve, who is an Army wife. Eve and I got along really well and became friends. Because she is in Campbell her and I hung out a lot and when I go to TN to visit with my family in law I visit with Eve. The Christmas before last Davina made a trip to TN to visit with people, called me up and said that she was going to stop by and visit me. She never showed up. Then last Christmas I was in TN and Davina said that she was going to go to TN to visit but when she realized I was there she decided not to. The day AFTER I left TN she decided that she was going there to visit.
Recently Leslie deleted me from her friends list on FB, I asked why, she said it was because I never talked to her. I pointed out to her that when I did make a comment she ignored me. Then Davina deleted me and that is the first conversation.
Furthermore, Davina and her (ex)husband are not good people together. They bring out everything that is bad in each other. Davina becomes all about money and what people can do for her because that is how her (ex)husband is. Troy is just not a nice person. So when he is around I do not like her. I have told her this and when she divorced him I told her that if she got back with him I would not go and visit her anymore but she was welcome to see me if he was not around. Recently she asked if I would go visit her and I told her no. I do not want to be around Troy or her (when she is around Troy) I then invited HER and my cousin Kaela to come visit me. She said no.
I am tired of the drama and wish that it would stop. I deliberately have NOTHING to do with these people because it is like this only worse on a daily basis. I cannot deal with the stress of them plus everything I have going on in my life. If they want to be toxic towards each other and if they want to treat each other as punching bags - both emotionally and physically - that is their business but please LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.
Day 29
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
I hope to change how I feel about myself because it is a toxic feeling most of the time. I need to realize that I am more than a medical condition (my weight) and that I am more than a product of bad genes.
I hope to change how I feel about myself because it is a toxic feeling most of the time. I need to realize that I am more than a medical condition (my weight) and that I am more than a product of bad genes.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Day 28
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I would celebrate. I have been told by a couple of doctors that I am not able to have children (I have less than 1% chance of getting pregnant) so if I were pregnant it would feel like a miracle.
I would celebrate. I have been told by a couple of doctors that I am not able to have children (I have less than 1% chance of getting pregnant) so if I were pregnant it would feel like a miracle.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Day 27
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
The best thing going for me right now is my husband. Even when he makes me mad, he still manages to make me smile.
The best thing going for me right now is my husband. Even when he makes me mad, he still manages to make me smile.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Day 26
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes I have thought about it.
It was right after David had left to Tennessee and I got left in California. I have never, in my whole life, trusted another person completely, at least not until I met David. I trusted him with everything inside me and opened up to him about everything that had happened to me. He is the only person I can remember that did not blame me in some way or shy away from me because I was "dirty". When he betrayed my trust and threw my past in my face to hurt me I felt my soul die a little. I was devastated and did not want to feel the pain anymore. In my life, up until he hurt me, being with him was the only part of my life that I can remember where I was not in constant emotional pain so when my reason for happiness went away, so did my will to live.
Yes I have thought about it.
It was right after David had left to Tennessee and I got left in California. I have never, in my whole life, trusted another person completely, at least not until I met David. I trusted him with everything inside me and opened up to him about everything that had happened to me. He is the only person I can remember that did not blame me in some way or shy away from me because I was "dirty". When he betrayed my trust and threw my past in my face to hurt me I felt my soul die a little. I was devastated and did not want to feel the pain anymore. In my life, up until he hurt me, being with him was the only part of my life that I can remember where I was not in constant emotional pain so when my reason for happiness went away, so did my will to live.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Day 25
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
I believe that I am still alive because there is more that I have to do on this earth. Things that God has planned for me that I have yet to do.
I believe that I am still alive because there is more that I have to do on this earth. Things that God has planned for me that I have yet to do.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Day 24
Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Brian Adams - Please Forgive Me
Miley Cyrus - Stay
Colbie Caillat - I Never Told You
Basshunter - All I Ever Wanted
Josh Groban - When You Say You Love Me
Mike Schmid - To Show You My Love
Josh Groban - With You
Alanis Morissette - You Owe Me Nothing In Return
Adele - Make You Feel My Love
One Republic - Come Home
My Dearest Husband,
I love you, that is why.
Eternally yours
Me
Brian Adams - Please Forgive Me
Miley Cyrus - Stay
Colbie Caillat - I Never Told You
Basshunter - All I Ever Wanted
Josh Groban - When You Say You Love Me
Mike Schmid - To Show You My Love
Josh Groban - With You
Alanis Morissette - You Owe Me Nothing In Return
Adele - Make You Feel My Love
One Republic - Come Home
My Dearest Husband,
I love you, that is why.
Eternally yours
Me
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Day 23
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
I wish I would of done everything that has been done because without that I would not be where I am.
I wish I would of done everything that has been done because without that I would not be where I am.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Day 21
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Rush to be with her/him. Regardless if we fought an hour before my best friend is still my best friend and I would want to be there in case he/she needed me.
Rush to be with her/him. Regardless if we fought an hour before my best friend is still my best friend and I would want to be there in case he/she needed me.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Day 20
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
I think that drugs (non prescription) are bad, I think that anything that could change your judgement/mood/personality so drastically as some of the drugs do are horrible and I feel bad for the people who get hooked on them. At the same time I don't feel bad because it was their bad decision to do the drugs in the first place. I feel that if you are on drugs and choose to do the drugs on a continuous basis and you do bad things in order to get drugs then it is your fault and you have no right to complain.
I think that people abuse alcohol and make it a bad thing. I think that in moderation it is not a terrible thing because it does tend to relax the body and sometimes that is needed. On the flip side, most people who drink, drink to excess and therein is the problem. Instead of drinking to have the relaxation they drink to be out of control of themselves. So in a way I almost feel the way I do about drugs.
I think that drugs (non prescription) are bad, I think that anything that could change your judgement/mood/personality so drastically as some of the drugs do are horrible and I feel bad for the people who get hooked on them. At the same time I don't feel bad because it was their bad decision to do the drugs in the first place. I feel that if you are on drugs and choose to do the drugs on a continuous basis and you do bad things in order to get drugs then it is your fault and you have no right to complain.
I think that people abuse alcohol and make it a bad thing. I think that in moderation it is not a terrible thing because it does tend to relax the body and sometimes that is needed. On the flip side, most people who drink, drink to excess and therein is the problem. Instead of drinking to have the relaxation they drink to be out of control of themselves. So in a way I almost feel the way I do about drugs.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Work, school, life in general.
I realized recently that I have not posted much of anything on here other than the 30 day challenge info and one or two posts so I thought I would catch up a bit.
I am still working, much to my backs dismay. I actually do like my job and if it were not for the back pain I get because of all the stairs I would love my job. I know eventually I may have to find something else but for now I am going to try to stick it out as much as possible. On Saturday I had to call out sick for half the day while I went to the emergency room. The night before I was walking down the steps on my patio and for some reason Yoric decided to stop in front of me so I fell back and my back hit the top step. The diagnosis is I have bruised muscles in my back and the doctor said I will be stiff for a while. I initially had no plans on going to work that day (I was in pain plus it was my anniversary with David and wanted to spend as much time as I could with him via Skype) but when I called my boss and realized she was still getting sick I felt guilty and went ahead and went in so she could go home.
School is going OK. I am in two classes right now and I only have 8 more days left of this cycle. I went ahead and signed up for three more classes in the next cycle. The cycle after that I am taking off because David may be coming home in the middle of that cycle. Of course he was told he may be coming home late so we really don't know when he is coming home.
I am trying to keep David's spirits up and I pray for him every day but it is so hard sometimes. I know that he is miserable over there and because of that has pretty much given up. Because of that he has been getting in trouble and because of THAT his insecurities and fears have come out. He feels like he is a failure at everything and that he is not worthy of being loved, all the things that he was told and that took root in his mind. He is convinced that he is worthless. I try so hard to make him realize that it is not true and I tell him how amazing he is but he needs to realize that I am telling the truth and the person/people who made him feel like that are in the past and gone. I think it is easier for people to believe the negative things they are told or made to believe (even though they may not be true) than it is for them to believe the positive things. I get so sad that I cannot take away his pain but at the same time I get so angry that he believed that junk in the first place. I also get angry because of his willingness to give up when things are hard and while I was trying to encourage him and make him see that it is almost over, I also tried to make him see that he is immature sometimes and needs to buck up, do what he needs to do.
David and I both agreed that once he gets back we are going to go to marriage counseling and I asked him if he would go to individual counseling for himself to work out some of his mental issues and to realize he is a wonderful man who didn't deserve to be treated like dirt. I also told him that I wanted to start individual counseling for myself for pretty much the same reasons.
I know that I am not a perfect person and I know that David is not a perfect person, but I also know that when we are both doing what we are supposed to be doing and treating each other like we deserve we are almost perfect together.
I hope that this Christmas David will be home.
I hope that the housing office finally gets there stuff together and calls me with my new address and move date.
I hope that Yoric will stop walking in front of me and causing me to fall over (haha yeah right)
I hope that this medicine I am taking will stop causing me to be depressed and mad at people.
I am still working, much to my backs dismay. I actually do like my job and if it were not for the back pain I get because of all the stairs I would love my job. I know eventually I may have to find something else but for now I am going to try to stick it out as much as possible. On Saturday I had to call out sick for half the day while I went to the emergency room. The night before I was walking down the steps on my patio and for some reason Yoric decided to stop in front of me so I fell back and my back hit the top step. The diagnosis is I have bruised muscles in my back and the doctor said I will be stiff for a while. I initially had no plans on going to work that day (I was in pain plus it was my anniversary with David and wanted to spend as much time as I could with him via Skype) but when I called my boss and realized she was still getting sick I felt guilty and went ahead and went in so she could go home.
School is going OK. I am in two classes right now and I only have 8 more days left of this cycle. I went ahead and signed up for three more classes in the next cycle. The cycle after that I am taking off because David may be coming home in the middle of that cycle. Of course he was told he may be coming home late so we really don't know when he is coming home.
I am trying to keep David's spirits up and I pray for him every day but it is so hard sometimes. I know that he is miserable over there and because of that has pretty much given up. Because of that he has been getting in trouble and because of THAT his insecurities and fears have come out. He feels like he is a failure at everything and that he is not worthy of being loved, all the things that he was told and that took root in his mind. He is convinced that he is worthless. I try so hard to make him realize that it is not true and I tell him how amazing he is but he needs to realize that I am telling the truth and the person/people who made him feel like that are in the past and gone. I think it is easier for people to believe the negative things they are told or made to believe (even though they may not be true) than it is for them to believe the positive things. I get so sad that I cannot take away his pain but at the same time I get so angry that he believed that junk in the first place. I also get angry because of his willingness to give up when things are hard and while I was trying to encourage him and make him see that it is almost over, I also tried to make him see that he is immature sometimes and needs to buck up, do what he needs to do.
David and I both agreed that once he gets back we are going to go to marriage counseling and I asked him if he would go to individual counseling for himself to work out some of his mental issues and to realize he is a wonderful man who didn't deserve to be treated like dirt. I also told him that I wanted to start individual counseling for myself for pretty much the same reasons.
I know that I am not a perfect person and I know that David is not a perfect person, but I also know that when we are both doing what we are supposed to be doing and treating each other like we deserve we are almost perfect together.
I hope that this Christmas David will be home.
I hope that the housing office finally gets there stuff together and calls me with my new address and move date.
I hope that Yoric will stop walking in front of me and causing me to fall over (haha yeah right)
I hope that this medicine I am taking will stop causing me to be depressed and mad at people.
Cutting ties.
I sometimes feel like there is nobody that understand me, not even my husband. I think it is mostly because of my childhood and things that have happened to me but it makes it hard when I am not understood. I feel that people who hurt you need to stay in the past, they do not need to be brought to the present, not by the person they hurt or the person's family or friends. When I find people in my life have welcomed in people that have hurt me I tend to cut ties with that person. My biological father has another daughter - my half sister. She and I are friends on FB and her and David are friends on FB. He speaks with her on chat and for the longest time it bothered me and I did not really know why until one day she posted that she just got off the phone with her father and told him all about her friends on FB and how she may go live with him. In that instant I knew what was making my skin crawl about her and David talking on FB. I told him about it, told him I was not going to tell him to stop speaking with her but I would appreciate it if he did. He didn't, he still talks with her. I think that because he was never truly hurt by someone who was supposed to protect him (other than his ex wife making him feel like no one loved him, not even his family but that was more psychological, still significant but not the same) he does not really know or understand why I feel the way I do. I think that I have explained it to him enough that if I tell him I am not comfortable with it, he should know not to do it. I think perhaps I should be blunt with him and just have him delete her from his friends list and block her, that way there is no chance that my biological father's life will mix with mine.
Time to get the scissors out and make some cuts in my life.
Time to get the scissors out and make some cuts in my life.
Day 19
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
I think that religion is beautiful but most of the time it gets caught up in the politics of church that it becomes distorted and things are done in the name of religion that is horrendous.
I think politics are good in theory but fall short in practice. I think that if the politicians started looking out for the people instead of what their interests are then it would be better. I also believe that if they kept true to the goal of our founding fathers then we would not be in some of the situations that we are in now. I also think that instead of separating church and state, state should embrace the church (at least Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit) and let them be their guides instead of major oil companies and tobacco companies.
I think that religion is beautiful but most of the time it gets caught up in the politics of church that it becomes distorted and things are done in the name of religion that is horrendous.
I think politics are good in theory but fall short in practice. I think that if the politicians started looking out for the people instead of what their interests are then it would be better. I also believe that if they kept true to the goal of our founding fathers then we would not be in some of the situations that we are in now. I also think that instead of separating church and state, state should embrace the church (at least Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit) and let them be their guides instead of major oil companies and tobacco companies.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Day 18
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I do not agree with gay marriage. Mostly because I do not agree with the gay lifestyle. I have known people who said they were gay and if that is how they choose to live then that is something they will have to deal with when the time comes. I think that for the most part people choose to be gay, there may be some people who are born with something wrong in their head making them think that way but I know that most of the people I know that are in that lifestyle chose it.
I do not agree with gay marriage. Mostly because I do not agree with the gay lifestyle. I have known people who said they were gay and if that is how they choose to live then that is something they will have to deal with when the time comes. I think that for the most part people choose to be gay, there may be some people who are born with something wrong in their head making them think that way but I know that most of the people I know that are in that lifestyle chose it.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Day 17
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
This is a difficult question for me because I have read so many books. Inside each book that I read there may be something that causes me to stop and think and possibly change my view about something.
A book that sticks out in my memory as causing a dramatic change in the way I thought/felt about something when I was young is "A Child Called It". I was about 16 when I read it and I remember reading it and realizing that perhaps what happened to me was not my fault and that there are other people out there in just as much pain as I was in. That is when I started to volunteer to be a "big sister" to children who had been abused to let them know that they were not alone and it was not their fault. I wish there was an organization like that around here like there was in California that focuses specifically on children that had suffered from sexual abuse.
This is a difficult question for me because I have read so many books. Inside each book that I read there may be something that causes me to stop and think and possibly change my view about something.
A book that sticks out in my memory as causing a dramatic change in the way I thought/felt about something when I was young is "A Child Called It". I was about 16 when I read it and I remember reading it and realizing that perhaps what happened to me was not my fault and that there are other people out there in just as much pain as I was in. That is when I started to volunteer to be a "big sister" to children who had been abused to let them know that they were not alone and it was not their fault. I wish there was an organization like that around here like there was in California that focuses specifically on children that had suffered from sexual abuse.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Day 16
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
I could live without the people in my life and in David's life that make us feel like we are not worth anything. The people who tell us that we are worthless and a waste of space. The people who rip our self esteem down and take pleasure in causing the pain. I could live without the people who allow them to do it as well.
I could live without the people in my life and in David's life that make us feel like we are not worth anything. The people who tell us that we are worthless and a waste of space. The people who rip our self esteem down and take pleasure in causing the pain. I could live without the people who allow them to do it as well.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
hmm
Dear parents of girls in elementary school,
I understand that you want your precious girl to look cute and to feel good about herself, I also understand that you want to let her develop her own taste in clothing and to grow into her own person with her own likes and dislikes. What I do not understand is why you feel it is appropriate to either dress your child or let your child dress in an overly sexual way. Do you really want her to grow up with the image that the only way to look cute is to show off her body in a bad way or do you want her to have the problem of people assuming that she is a woman of low moral fiber and willing to give "it" away to anyone that wants it? I think that the women of this nation have enough problems when facing societies version of beautiful that we do not need our young impressionable girls trying to dress like strippers. Why don't we focus on getting them to learn how to eat healthy, make good life choices, and how to love themselves for being amazing young women instead of having them have to dress like prostitutes to attract people to them.
I get sad when I see the elementary school girls walking down the road in skirts and shorts so short that you can tell them what color panties they are wearing or wearing tank tops cut so low you can almost see their belly buttons. It is a shame that they cannot focus on being little girls and instead are focusing on trying to be like the majority of the women on T.V.
Sincerely,
A woman disappointed in the pressures placed on young girls.
I understand that you want your precious girl to look cute and to feel good about herself, I also understand that you want to let her develop her own taste in clothing and to grow into her own person with her own likes and dislikes. What I do not understand is why you feel it is appropriate to either dress your child or let your child dress in an overly sexual way. Do you really want her to grow up with the image that the only way to look cute is to show off her body in a bad way or do you want her to have the problem of people assuming that she is a woman of low moral fiber and willing to give "it" away to anyone that wants it? I think that the women of this nation have enough problems when facing societies version of beautiful that we do not need our young impressionable girls trying to dress like strippers. Why don't we focus on getting them to learn how to eat healthy, make good life choices, and how to love themselves for being amazing young women instead of having them have to dress like prostitutes to attract people to them.
I get sad when I see the elementary school girls walking down the road in skirts and shorts so short that you can tell them what color panties they are wearing or wearing tank tops cut so low you can almost see their belly buttons. It is a shame that they cannot focus on being little girls and instead are focusing on trying to be like the majority of the women on T.V.
Sincerely,
A woman disappointed in the pressures placed on young girls.
Day 15
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
I do not think I could live without David, at least not healthy living. When David left California I was devastated and I thought of him every day, I missed him every day. Every man I met was compared to David and came up short. I was miserable and felt like the best part of my life was gone. When we got back together I was ecstatic and happy and complete. I love David with every fiber of my being and hope that we are going to be together for eternity.
I do not think I could live without David, at least not healthy living. When David left California I was devastated and I thought of him every day, I missed him every day. Every man I met was compared to David and came up short. I was miserable and felt like the best part of my life was gone. When we got back together I was ecstatic and happy and complete. I love David with every fiber of my being and hope that we are going to be together for eternity.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Day 14
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
I have never had a hero in my life. I have had people that I looked up and and in some ways I respected them but I have never had a true hero.
I have never had a hero in my life. I have had people that I looked up and and in some ways I respected them but I have never had a true hero.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Day 13
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
There is no 1 specific band or artist that has gotten me through tough times so it is a general letter to everyone.
Dear artists,
I have had rough times through the years and have never been good at expressing myself so when I am going through a tough time listening to your music helps me to express how I am feeling. Being able to hear my emotions put to music with the words I am feeling has helped me to heal inside and to move on from what is happening in my life. Thank you for the help that you have given me when I needed it.
Me.
There is no 1 specific band or artist that has gotten me through tough times so it is a general letter to everyone.
Dear artists,
I have had rough times through the years and have never been good at expressing myself so when I am going through a tough time listening to your music helps me to express how I am feeling. Being able to hear my emotions put to music with the words I am feeling has helped me to heal inside and to move on from what is happening in my life. Thank you for the help that you have given me when I needed it.
Me.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Day 12
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
It seems that I never get compliments on my housework. For the most part I have been depressed since David left and some stuff happened so I have not wanted to clean so I haven't. I used to be really compulsive about cleaning and making sure everything was put away so this is quite the change for me.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Day 11
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
It seems that lately the thing that people compliment me the most is actually my body as odd as that is. I have been to the gym recently and was told by a (very young) soldier that I looked amazing. I do not see what he sees though.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Day 10
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
It is sad to say that this but I believe that I need to let go of the majority of my family. With most of my family it is a toxic relationship for me and being around them is just not good for me.
It is sad to say that this but I believe that I need to let go of the majority of my family. With most of my family it is a toxic relationship for me and being around them is just not good for me.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Day 09
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
My friend Susan. We met each other in high school and after she found out she had cancer all of her other friends left but I stayed. I was with her in the hospital for over 6 months, staying there with her and trying to get her to fight for her life. After she went into remission and David and I started dating (way back in the day) we were still friends but after David and I split up we drifted apart. Mostly because of the rumors going around about her and David being together and she was going through a divorce and was hooked on prescription drugs. I am not innocent in the whole thing. After David left I lost interest in living, I was basically just a shell of a person and I am sure that did not help out friendship.
My friend Susan. We met each other in high school and after she found out she had cancer all of her other friends left but I stayed. I was with her in the hospital for over 6 months, staying there with her and trying to get her to fight for her life. After she went into remission and David and I started dating (way back in the day) we were still friends but after David and I split up we drifted apart. Mostly because of the rumors going around about her and David being together and she was going through a divorce and was hooked on prescription drugs. I am not innocent in the whole thing. After David left I lost interest in living, I was basically just a shell of a person and I am sure that did not help out friendship.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Day 08
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like dirt.
My biological father. Enough said.
My biological father. Enough said.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Day 07
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
David. Despite all the mistakes he and I have made he makes my life worth living for. He is a true joy in my life and I wish he could see himself the way I see him. I also wish others could see him the way I see him.
David. Despite all the mistakes he and I have made he makes my life worth living for. He is a true joy in my life and I wish he could see himself the way I see him. I also wish others could see him the way I see him.
Day 06
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
I hope that I never have to tell David I am leaving him again.
I hope that I never have to tell David I am leaving him again.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Day 04
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I guess the person I have to forgive is David. Him and I have talked about this and that he has never asked to be forgiven. He says that he is not ready to forgive himself and until he forgives himself he does not know how I can forgive him.
I guess the person I have to forgive is David. Him and I have talked about this and that he has never asked to be forgiven. He says that he is not ready to forgive himself and until he forgives himself he does not know how I can forgive him.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Day 03
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I guess the first thing that came to mind was that I need to forgive myself for not being perfect. I know that perfection in a person is not possible but for the longest time I expected myself to be perfect. I am coming to understand that despite my flaws I am actually a great person.
I guess the first thing that came to mind was that I need to forgive myself for not being perfect. I know that perfection in a person is not possible but for the longest time I expected myself to be perfect. I am coming to understand that despite my flaws I am actually a great person.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Day 02
Something you love about yourself.
I love my willingness to accept people for what they are. If I like the person I welcome them into my life. If I do not care for the person I do not have to be around them. I do not try to change people.
I love my willingness to accept people for what they are. If I like the person I welcome them into my life. If I do not care for the person I do not have to be around them. I do not try to change people.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Day 01
Something you hate about yourself.
Something that I hate about myself is my weight. Every since I developed PCOS I have had had a hard time with my weight and in fact the PCOS caused me to gain A LOT of weight. I wish it were different and when I do try to loose weight it does not work.
30 Day Challenge
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like dirt.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like dirt.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Being vain.
I am trying to learn how to take good photos but with the lack of subject matter I fall back onto what is available. Me!!! So here ya go, more pictures of me!
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| Trying to play around with back-lighting. |
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| Again, trying to add lighting elements. Did not work out very well. |
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| Side lighting. |
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| More side lighting. |
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| Apparently I liked the side lighting. |
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| I don't remember what my point was in this one. |
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| Usually I do mostly profiles or slight profiles, I tried to go for a frontal shot. |
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| Mischievous me. |
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| I have HUGE forehead (more like a fivehead) haha love it :) |
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| OK, smiling, head tilted to the side. I think I like it. |
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| My hair smells really good by the way lol. |
Saturday, July 30, 2011
It just feels wrong to me.
I am an avid reader. I love to read books and I often times go to the "YA" (young adult) section to find easy, light reading. A while back I went to the library and got a book that seemed interesting and decided to check it out. With school, work and being sick (yet again) I did not get around to reading it until today while I was at work. Yes, I read the whole thing at work and yes, it was over 500 pages long.
From the first chapter the whole book felt wrong. I felt dirty and ashamed to be reading it. I felt as though I wanted to push the book away from me and wash my eyes out with bleach but for some reason I kept reading until the end of the book. Now that may seem like an odd statement to say about a book, I mean, it is just a book and there are a lot of books that are not written very well, or that have bad story lines or various other things but the thing about this book that had my soul shouting out in pain was that it was about a 16 year old boy who was gay.
Now normally I say live and let live. I try to not jump to conclusions or judgement about people and if they want to practice something like that then fine, just keep it away from me. I think the major reason I was horrified by the book was not only was the main character gay but they had explicit scenes in the book where it went into a little detail about the boy and his "boyfriend" having sex. Oh My Goodness!! This book is intended for YOUNG ADULTS (teenagers).
I think that for the most part someone chooses to be "gay". I think it is a lifestyle choice made by them for whatever reason. I think that introducing stuff like that into a young mind makes it seem like it is OK. I am sorry if this offends anyone but in my opinion it is NOT OK. I am so bothered by the fact that books like this are written for the youth today. I spoke to David about it today after work and informed him that I did not agree with letting children read things like that and if we were to have kids I would want to home-school them. Perhaps that is an extreme thing to say in regards to a book but I would want to know that my children have a strong upbringing and enough moral values that when it comes time for high school they would know that sort of thing is wrong. (at least in my opinion it is)
From the first chapter the whole book felt wrong. I felt dirty and ashamed to be reading it. I felt as though I wanted to push the book away from me and wash my eyes out with bleach but for some reason I kept reading until the end of the book. Now that may seem like an odd statement to say about a book, I mean, it is just a book and there are a lot of books that are not written very well, or that have bad story lines or various other things but the thing about this book that had my soul shouting out in pain was that it was about a 16 year old boy who was gay.
Now normally I say live and let live. I try to not jump to conclusions or judgement about people and if they want to practice something like that then fine, just keep it away from me. I think the major reason I was horrified by the book was not only was the main character gay but they had explicit scenes in the book where it went into a little detail about the boy and his "boyfriend" having sex. Oh My Goodness!! This book is intended for YOUNG ADULTS (teenagers).
I think that for the most part someone chooses to be "gay". I think it is a lifestyle choice made by them for whatever reason. I think that introducing stuff like that into a young mind makes it seem like it is OK. I am sorry if this offends anyone but in my opinion it is NOT OK. I am so bothered by the fact that books like this are written for the youth today. I spoke to David about it today after work and informed him that I did not agree with letting children read things like that and if we were to have kids I would want to home-school them. Perhaps that is an extreme thing to say in regards to a book but I would want to know that my children have a strong upbringing and enough moral values that when it comes time for high school they would know that sort of thing is wrong. (at least in my opinion it is)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Very personal stuff.
OK, I am starting this post off by saying that:
1-I am not looking for sympathy or pity.
2-I am not ashamed of any of my feelings about what I am going to type.
3-What I am about to type is a part of who I am and cannot be changed, but the people responsible are not a part of my life anymore.
4-This subject is on my mind because I started class today (abnormal psychology). Otherwise I normally don't think about it too much.
5-This is VERY personal and has some...uncomfortable things in it.
I was three months old when my father started molesting me. Being that young of course I have no memories of the actual events but I was told that was about the age I was when it started. By the time I was about three and a half I was being raped. Again, I have no memories of these events, I actually have very few memories of my childhood at all. Most of my memories begin when I turned 14. When I was between 7 and 9 my father was caught. I am unsure of my age at this point, no one in the family really talks about it and I don't remember most of it. Once he was caught, my older sister and I were removed from our home and placed in a "secret" rescue home ran by the state. I do remember that at the rescue home there were not a lot of workers and kids ranged in age from infant to 18 years old. Part of the initiation among the kids (for females) was to run the "gauntlet" (as I call it) or to "be with" the leader. We were there, from what I understand, for a couple of months until my father found us and took us. Once we were found again by the police we went back into my mother's custody and my father was sent to prison.
Both my sister and I were ordered by the courts to have psychological counseling until we were of legal age (18). I remember a couple of sessions where I would not speak with the lady and my sister was sitting there telling all of the things that happened to her. I will say that, because I was the quiet child, a lot more happened to me than to her. She kept her virginity until she chose to give it away. I remember at one point being afraid that she was talking because I was threatened that if I told on him he would kill everyone in the family. From the reports my mother received about me I made no effort to talk to anyone about what was going on, I was detached from reality, I was bi-polar and I suffered from "fugue" states. When I read the reports years later I have always wondered what fugue states were and if I really suffered from them as a child. With my memory being so full of holes it is hard for me to say.
There are a couple of times where I remember being at one place and then the next thing I know it is a couple days later and I am somewhere else. Or the most extreme thing that comes to mind now, I was at the mall with my father, watching some kids with their father, the next thing I know I was in school and it was a couple weeks after I was at the mall. I asked my mom about my lapse in memory and if I acted any differently when I was "away" and she said it was like I was someone else. I was a quiet child and she said that sometimes I was so outgoing and so talkative that she thought she had the wrong child at times. I have no memory what-so-ever of anything that happened in the lost time. I don't remember leaving the mall, the weeks in between or anything. I asked my mom how often that happened and she said that I would have "mood swings" like that a lot up until I was about to start Jr. High.
Today I had the chance to speak with my teacher, she has a doctorate in abnormal psychology and I wanted to ask her opinion about my "fugue states". I explained in brief detail what happened to me and what the reports said and she said that it was more likely that I had/have Dissociative identity disorder (it used to be called multiple personality disorder). I am not sure how I feel about that or even if I believe that it is something I have/had.
I could go on for days about all of the different emotions I have gone through in my life trying to realize that this was not my fault, that I was a victim. Oh the anger and resentment that I had to overcome in order to forgive my father-not his actions but him as a person. He is a part of my past and in the past is where he belongs. Anyone who goes out of their way to hurt someone and to make them feel like they are worth less than what they are worth, deserves to stay in the past.
I could go on for days about all of the different emotions I have gone through in my life trying to realize that this was not my fault, that I was a victim. Oh the anger and resentment that I had to overcome in order to forgive my father-not his actions but him as a person. He is a part of my past and in the past is where he belongs. Anyone who goes out of their way to hurt someone and to make them feel like they are worth less than what they are worth, deserves to stay in the past.
I sometimes wonder if it even happened at all, if the few memories I do have of the events are true or something made up in my mind as a result of people telling me it happened. Some days it is so real that the emotions are so raw that I don't know how I can move forward, most of the time I feel like nothing ever happened. I sometimes need my husband to reassure me that I am worthy of being loved, that I am important and not just someone to be used but I do not think he understands. I think that for people who have not gone through something like that, it is hard for them to understand the emotions and needs of someone who has gone through it.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Songs....
I am missing my husband. For some reason when I am in the mood I am in right now I have songs that I listen to and they make me cry from missing him so much but also make me smile from the love I have for him. I thought I would share them.
To Show You My Love
With You
When You Say You Love Me
So Close
To Show You My Love
With You
When You Say You Love Me
So Close
I cannot dance.
I found out recently that I am not coordinated enough OR patient enough to dance, at least not with Zumba for the Wii. I love music, I love to watch people dance...I thought I would love to learn how to dance. Nope. Hate it. Perhaps if I took private lessons but I am too cheep to do that. Oh well, perhaps I will pick it up eventually but for now I will just look at the game and glare at it.
Monday, July 11, 2011
A lot of Pictures
Recently David came home for leave. His leave came at a very good time, I was in desperate need of a reminder of his love and he is not great at expressing that from far away. Anyway, here are some pictures of his visit.
On a side note - While we were in TN I was looking for a specific picture of David and I on Mom's computer, first I tried her new laptop and instead of finding pictures of David and I, I found pictures of him and his ex wife in different folders including the "to be copied" folder. I have to confess, my feelings were hurt. As silly as this sounds, I just wish that she would disappear from his and my life, I get tired of seeing her pictures instead of mine and I get tired of seeing her around on FB.
On a side note - While we were in TN I was looking for a specific picture of David and I on Mom's computer, first I tried her new laptop and instead of finding pictures of David and I, I found pictures of him and his ex wife in different folders including the "to be copied" folder. I have to confess, my feelings were hurt. As silly as this sounds, I just wish that she would disappear from his and my life, I get tired of seeing her pictures instead of mine and I get tired of seeing her around on FB.
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