I realized recently that I have not posted much of anything on here other than the 30 day challenge info and one or two posts so I thought I would catch up a bit.
I am still working, much to my backs dismay. I actually do like my job and if it were not for the back pain I get because of all the stairs I would love my job. I know eventually I may have to find something else but for now I am going to try to stick it out as much as possible. On Saturday I had to call out sick for half the day while I went to the emergency room. The night before I was walking down the steps on my patio and for some reason Yoric decided to stop in front of me so I fell back and my back hit the top step. The diagnosis is I have bruised muscles in my back and the doctor said I will be stiff for a while. I initially had no plans on going to work that day (I was in pain plus it was my anniversary with David and wanted to spend as much time as I could with him via Skype) but when I called my boss and realized she was still getting sick I felt guilty and went ahead and went in so she could go home.
School is going OK. I am in two classes right now and I only have 8 more days left of this cycle. I went ahead and signed up for three more classes in the next cycle. The cycle after that I am taking off because David may be coming home in the middle of that cycle. Of course he was told he may be coming home late so we really don't know when he is coming home.
I am trying to keep David's spirits up and I pray for him every day but it is so hard sometimes. I know that he is miserable over there and because of that has pretty much given up. Because of that he has been getting in trouble and because of THAT his insecurities and fears have come out. He feels like he is a failure at everything and that he is not worthy of being loved, all the things that he was told and that took root in his mind. He is convinced that he is worthless. I try so hard to make him realize that it is not true and I tell him how amazing he is but he needs to realize that I am telling the truth and the person/people who made him feel like that are in the past and gone. I think it is easier for people to believe the negative things they are told or made to believe (even though they may not be true) than it is for them to believe the positive things. I get so sad that I cannot take away his pain but at the same time I get so angry that he believed that junk in the first place. I also get angry because of his willingness to give up when things are hard and while I was trying to encourage him and make him see that it is almost over, I also tried to make him see that he is immature sometimes and needs to buck up, do what he needs to do.
David and I both agreed that once he gets back we are going to go to marriage counseling and I asked him if he would go to individual counseling for himself to work out some of his mental issues and to realize he is a wonderful man who didn't deserve to be treated like dirt. I also told him that I wanted to start individual counseling for myself for pretty much the same reasons.
I know that I am not a perfect person and I know that David is not a perfect person, but I also know that when we are both doing what we are supposed to be doing and treating each other like we deserve we are almost perfect together.
I hope that this Christmas David will be home.
I hope that the housing office finally gets there stuff together and calls me with my new address and move date.
I hope that Yoric will stop walking in front of me and causing me to fall over (haha yeah right)
I hope that this medicine I am taking will stop causing me to be depressed and mad at people.
3 comments:
i'm really glad that you will both be going to counseling. i think it will help david so much! our raising definitely didn't help with having that sense of being proud of who were were. not from my mom....she did her best to show her love and make us feel safe and happy and loved. i think my dad did the best he could with how he was raised, but he certainly never spoke words of affirmation. to this day, he has never said he was proud of me, and i know he was hard on david and the boys, verbally and physically. unfortunatley, different personalities take these things more to heart/harder than others. i hate that david is suffering so much. :( he's a hard nut to crack....so to speak. a mystery in a sense....not speaking freely about his feelings (to me, is what i mean...i'm sure he's much more open to you. ;) is there anything i can do to help???
I think that because of the way I perceive your father to be I do not enjoy spending time with him. To me he seems cold and aloof, admittedly, I have not spent a great amount of time with him but that is also because I have noticed he does not treat David very warmly and that disturbs me. I am very protective of David and I think that is mostly because he allows people to walk all over him, I hate that he does not stand up for himself. I am sorry that your father has never expressed if he was proud of you. I would think he would be because you are an amazing person and it is always nice to hear the words, especially from people close to you. David tends to take a lot of things personally that should not be taken personally and he also holds a lot of his feelings in until he is about to explode, then he does something stupid. I wish he would learn to open up to me more than he does and share with me his emotions, that way they are not eating him up inside. He says that most of the time he does not know how to express, or say what he is feeling and other times he just does not want to. I finally got him to open up more in the last week or so but it was not without some raising of our voices.
I apologize for the overly formal tone of this message, I think I have spent too much time writing papers for Abnormal Psychology.
I hope all is well (((hugs)))
the therapy should help a lot with him learning to express himself. i think my dad could use some therapy himself. ;) i honestly don't beleive he even realizes the affect of his raising of us. he's not a cold person but i could see where you would get that sense, not being around him much. i think he doesn't like himself much (wouldn't admit it though), and therefore, is critical of everyone else. i'm reading the book, 'the color code' since i wrote about it and it has be very enlightening. i think my dad is a classic red. you oughtta get yourself a cheap copy off amazon. pretty sure david is a white like you. i hope david is doing some better. is there anything i can do? love ya both!!!
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