Lack of motivation.

I apologize for not writing in the blog very recently. I have lacked motivation to actually log on and type anything. There are a couple of new things in my life recently that have kept me a little busy.

I started working recently at the Fort Riley Post Museum. There are two main museums that I work at on the weekend and every once and a while a week day. The main one is the Cavalry Museum and then the 1st Infantry Division Museum. It is interesting to see the different things that happened at Fort Riley going back to when the Fort was started and I enjoy working there for the most part. There are a couple of hard things about working there, one of them is on an average day I walk up and down 800-1000 stairs. I suppose it is good exercise for me but I have some physical problems that make working more than the weekend difficult because of all the stairs. The other hard thing is that in 1st ID museum there is a room dedicated to the fallen soldiers from the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, it is hard for me to walk in and inspect the room, to see the names of the solders that gave their lives. I get tears in my eyes every time I have to inspect the room (which is on the hour every hour). 

I am also training to work at the Custer House Museum giving guided tours to people. Explaining how live was in the 1800s, again more stairs and at this one I am on my feet most of the day. My legs, butt and feet are killing me today. I hope that eventually I will get used to it so it will not be so bad.

For the most part I do enjoy getting out of the house for the weekend to go to work. It gives me a bit of a break from my dog and neighbors. I am not sure if I will be working there this coming winter because of the lack of hours but time will tell. Plus I am not fond of the thought of working weekends once David gets home. At least not for the first couple of months after he gets home. I think that we will need time to get to know each other again and get used to living with each other again and if he works during the weekdays and I work during the weekends how will that happen?

I have begun to separate myself from my neighbors. Mostly because of one neighbor but she kind of has her fingers in everyone's business so I am separating from all of my neighbors. I do not like the rumors, lies, backstabbing, and general bad attitude that this one neighbor spreads around. That means that I am even more cut off and alone than I have been because I really do not have anyone here. I have a couple of "friends" but no one really reliable that I can talk to or spend time with. I do feel alone most of the time, like I am forgotten. I know that is not true, I know that I am not forgotten but most of the time it is a feeling I have that I cannot get rid of.

On a happier note David finally found out the dates of his R&R!!!! So we will be planning a trip to Tennessee for about four or five days once he gets here. I cannot say on here the exact dates of his R&R but when he gets to Fort Riley we will be calling to let people know.

Level 4.

My husband showed me a video of a comedian that he liked that was called "6 levels of fatness". It was funny and if you don't watch the video then here is a brief little tidbit about it. He says that there are 6 levels and he considers himself "fluffy" which is the 4th level. He is my height and he weighs 420 pounds. I was joking around and said I was the 5th level and David said no, I was fluffy which is the 4th level (what the comedian sees himself as).

I do not think I look like I weigh over 400 pounds but now I know how David sees me. It does not really make me happy. In fact I am still kinda in tears about it.

I feel so disgusting. :(

Not really happy.

Osama Bin Laden has been confirmed dead as of today. While people are celebrating the fact that he is no longer alive I am mourning the fact that we had to hunt him down in the first place. I am in mourning for all the people who lost their lives because of the actions of that man and his followers. I am mourning for the fact that those senseless deaths were in the name of religion.

There is a small part of me that wants to shout for joy at his passing for the most part I am just sad. I am also concerned because I am sure that there is going to be a huge backlash from his death and I am afraid for all of our soldiers still in combat zones. So while people on FB and blogs across this great nation make crass and crude jokes about the killing of a man I will be silently praying for all of our service members and their families as well as the innocent people in Iraq and Afghanistan who will be caught in the backlash.

Just between us.

I have been thinking of something for a while now but have not yet wrote about it on here. Mainly because I have one follower and I am afraid of what she may think. So to my follower, I apologize if this upsets you in any way.

David has been thinking of getting a tattoo (the upsetting I mentioned earlier) and he kinda already knows what he wants. A shield, two swords and a skull. He says that it means "Defend to the death those I love" (paraphrasing). Before he told me what he was wanting he just mentioned he was thinking of getting a tattoo. I asked, half jesting half serious, if he would get one that symbolizes me and our relationship and he said no. Then he proceeded to tell me what he wanted and what it meant.

Maybe I am over-thinking this but shouldn't that, in some way, symbolize me? Should I not be included among those he loves? When I asked him if that did not symbolize me in the most general of ways he said no. Does that mean he does not love me?  What does that say about how he feels about me?

I feel as though he has rejected me and my love. I know he says that he loves me but it is things like this that make me feel as though he does not.

Getting back into the swing of things.

I feel like poo, my emotions are everywhere and my body just hurts all the time. I think it is time for me to start going back to the gym.

Since March 9th I have not been back to the gym, first I had oral surgery and was trying to recover from that and then I was having trouble with my back and then I got sick and even after two weeks and 1 day am still sick. (I am afraid that I will never get my voice back!)

I think that if I were to start getting back into the swing of things then maybe I would not feel so funky all the time and hopefully my body will stop hurting all the time. And possibly I could get more than 2-3 hours of sleep a day.

So I have decided that tomorrow I will go back to the gym and start off slow again, mostly because I am still sick and have a real hard time breathing but also because I have not been in so long.

Music.

If you know me well you could guess my mood by the music I am listening to at the time. Right now I am listening to a lot of songs that have to deal with being alone or broken or simply instrumental music that is haunting.

What do you think that says about my mood?

Being emotional.

I got a new couch with the OK of David. With the new couch came the need to get rid of the couch set we previously had. I must confess that as I watched the people take it out of my home and load it into their truck I became emotional. It was the first set that David and I had as a married couple and, as odd as this sounds, it kinda felt as though I was giving away a piece of him and I.  Like there was a chapter in our marriage that has been finished and there is no going back to it.

Is it silly to be emotional over a couch set? If so, then I guess I am silly.