...

The time is almost here where David will be home from deployment. There is already a ball scheduled for January and David informed me that he did not want to go. I went to Salina with Nikki the other day to look for a dress so she and her husband to go and since I was there I tried on a dress I liked. I feel in love with it. I actually felt like a beautiful person in the dress instead of a ball of nastiness. I really wanted to get the dress and go to the ball because I felt like a princess (something that has never happened before). David still said no. *sighs* oh well.

OMG!

Today, for giggles, I decided to take my measurements to find my correct bra size. It seems no matter what bra I buy it never fits right. So I got my measuring tape out and this is the conclusion

Band = 39
Bust = 50

So based on the calculations I am supposed to be either a 38J or a 40J! No wonder I have problems finding a bra that fits me, most stores only sell up to a DD.

SMH

Loaded with taste?

I recently went grocery shopping (gasp!) and picked up some cans of soup. With the promise of being "loaded with taste" and my appetite actually being present I was looking forward to having some yummy soup. I open the can, pour the soup in the pan, patiently wait for it to warm up and finally am able to put some in a bowl to enjoy. I sit down at the table loaded up with my bowl of soup, napkin, spoon, crackers and glass of ice water. I take a spoonful, greatly anticipating this soup that is "loaded with taste". I take my first bite and it taste like I am eating a spoonful of salt water. I was so upset.

When did being loaded with taste, or tasty or yummy or delicious become the same thing as being chalked full of salt, sugar or a combination of both? When did people start to dislike the taste of real food so much that they thought putting in too much salt to overpower the taste of the food was a good thing? Great, just when I start wanting to eat after years of not having an appetite the food is blah. :(

*sobs*

So I don't know if it is from being sick, missing David or trying to decide what to do but for whatever reason I find myself crying. A lot. I saw a commercial on T.V. that was advertising alcohol and I cried because of the image it gives little ones. I watched a horror movie and cried because the people got killed. I looked at my pretty socks and just sat there and cried and I have no idea why.

I kinda wish I had someone around that I can talk to but there is no one.

blah

I am sick, again. I have missed three days of school so far and with classes being so condensed and the cycles so short I may not be able to catch up with all three of the classes. I am considering just dropping the classes because I still feel really bad and will most likely not make it to school tomorrow as well. :(

I don't know if being sick is because of stress or if it is because it is simply going around again. I am not sure at this point if I even care WHY I am sick, just that I am.

Today is the 5th day that I have not been able to speak with David. I asked him (the last time I spoke with him) to call me if he is not going to have internet but so far he has not. I don't know if it is because he does not have service where he is (he has his cell phone) or if he just does not want to call. What I do know is that I miss hearing his voice.

Right v.s. Easy.

Often I find myself having to make a choice between something that is right, or that is easy. It is so tempting sometimes to just go with the easy choice. Less stress, less headache, less heartache. It would be so easy to just get up and walk away from everything. To just say "forget it". To do the right thing is sometimes hard. It requires work, sometimes tears, pain and even faith. Faith that even though doing the right thing may be hard, it is right and good. Sometimes I just wish other people were more inclined to do the right thing instead of being selfish.

My pretty socks.

OK. Yes, I have an obsession right now with my socks. I like my socks. When I am down I look at my bright and colorful socks and cheer up a little bit.

My Favorite!!!

My second Favorite!

I don't like these as much but they still make me smile.

In school there are about 5 people who ask me what socks I am wearing every day I see them. They always smile and/or laugh when they see my socks. Sloame (a girl in class) says that they help brighten her day as well!

Color Code: BLUE: The Social Butterfly

14% Red, 66% Blue, 20% White and 0% Yellow!

BLUE MOTIVE: Intimacy
BLUE NEEDS: To be good (morally), To be understood, To be appreciated, Acceptance.


BLUE WANTS: To reveal insecurities, Quality, Autonomy, Security.


SUMMARY: Blues are motivated by altruism. They love to do nice things for others. they look for opportunites to give up something in order to bring another person happiness. selflessness rather than selfishness is their guiding philosophy. Blues seek intimacy. They want to be loved and to love. A true blue will sacrifice a successful career to improve an important relationship. Blues crave being understood. They are gratified when they are listened to, when they feel understood and appreciated. Blues may have thier hearts broken more than most people, but they also spend much more time in love. Blues are directed by a strong moral conscience. They have a moral code that guides them in their decision making, their value judgements, and their leisure time. A blue would rather lose than cheat. Ethically, blues are people who should be in positions of power, but seldom are. 




I find this interesting. I took a different version of the test a while back and got White. 

I do not think I am a social butterfly, in fact I tend to avoid people because I do not like a lot of people around me. I agree with most of the summary though.

I wonder what the other colors mean.

This makes me MAD!

There is a new Facebook page called Overly Sensitive Military Wives. I understand the idea behind the page. It is basically against women who marry men in the military to get the benefits, don't work and complain a lot. Going through the page though it is a bunch of people who are complaining about military wives having bumber stickers on their car in support of their husbands, or military wives wearing hoodies with certian expressions on them or military wives who are over weight. In fact people will take a picture of someone at the PX that they consider a "Dependopotomus" (an overweight dependent. Depend=dependent Opotomus=Hippo.) and post it on their wall for everyone to make fun of. They do not bother to get to know they person they are making fun of, they just sit back and pass judgement on people. It makes me so MAD.

Apparently the filter I used to have is broken and because of that I had to post on their wall. The following is what I said:



I cry because I miss my husband, I sometimes don't feel like changing out of my pajamas. I spend my husband’s money and I am overweight. I have stickers on my car that say I support my husband and I have an ACU bag that I made and carry around. I guess I am an OSMW.


On the other hand, I get up every morning and go to class or work, I am on a 7 day schedule where I don't have days off. When I do have a day off it is nice to not have to get dressed and just be lazy for a change. I spend my husband's money on OUR bills that we have in order to live and I contribute to the income with my part time job. I have a thyroid problem and PCOS that causes weight gain and a broken back that makes working out difficult. I like the stickers I have, it shows people I support and love my husband and yes, I like my ACU bag, it is from something my husband wore and reminds me of him. And yes, I cry because I miss my husband, it is natural to miss the man you love, if you didn't cry at some point or if you didn't miss your husband perhaps there is something wrong in your marriage. When my husband married me I was the same person I am today and I married my husband before he was in the Military. Go ahead, judge me if you want.

So far all the comment have been along the lines that I do not understand where the page is coming from and all I can do is sit here and shake my head. Going through the post I understand perfectly. The women on there are being the very wives that they are making fun of. Why can't people just let people live their lives?

Day 30

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Me,

I don't know.

Sincerely,

Me

Just STOP already.

Recently my Aunt Davina deleted me from her friends list on Facebook. I asked her about it and this is our conversation:

• • Hey there, can I ask why you deleted me from FB?
• 

  August 25

  Davina Draizen

  • well i went on your facebook and seen that you had your pics hid..i do not want you to feel you have to hide stuff for my feelings..plus i feel that i am being drug unwillingly into drama over here. (not of your doing) i have toyed with the idea of deleting my facebook all together. i just want peace but it is kinda hard where i live if you get my drift always hearing about family drama and half are probably lies...feel its safer to keep my real realtionships off of face book> i lost your number so here is mine 859-xxx-xxxx my phone exploded....i love you
• 

  August 29

  Davina Draizen

  • Did you get message?
• 

  August 30

  Tracie Waldroup

  • Yeah, I got your message, just was not quite sure what to think about it. Also have been busy with school and such. My number is 931-494-0865.
• 

  August 30

  Davina Draizen

  • 
    

Not really much to think about it..it is what it is..
I got ur number recorded

Then today on Skype my sister contacted me, this is our conversation:

[5:50:54 PM] Leslie Bigelow: do you still talk with davina?

[5:51:12 PM] Tracie Waldroup: Not really. You?

[5:51:54 PM] Leslie Bigelow: long storie but since troy has come back she is like the old davina but worse

[5:52:20 PM] Leslie Bigelow: she is shuttin out everyone that doesnt kiss her ass

[5:52:40 PM] Tracie Waldroup: she deleted me from fb and not david. asked her why she said too much drama

[5:54:08 PM] Leslie Bigelow: no it was becouse you  never stop in to see her but you alway go and see evland. she said if you could stop in to see her friend and not her then you didnt need to be on her facebook and you didnt need to ever talk to her again.

[5:56:08 PM] Leslie Bigelow: she came over her and said we were going to stick togethere and be there for each othere and she would be back the next day to see us and never showed then deleted me and told cody sorry she couldnt have him on her facebook becouse of me.. have no clue why.. she is all about troy and acted like he is her dad

[5:56:31 PM] Leslie Bigelow: it is crazy

[5:57:26 PM] Tracie Waldroup: idk, she went to clarksville once and said she was going to stop by and see me but never did. Then she was going to go to Clarksville to see Eve while I was there but at the last minute changed her mind and after I left Clarksville went to see her.

[5:58:17 PM] Leslie Bigelow: ya since troy has been back she is all about him and never leaves his side

[5:58:58 PM] Leslie Bigelow: she acts like she doesnt even no use when she sees us and then tryes to be a drama queen and poor me with my kids

[5:59:15 PM] Tracie Waldroup: idk, i stay out of things

[5:59:40 PM] Leslie Bigelow: i have till no couse i dont understand any of it..

[5:59:54 PM] Leslie Bigelow: mom did the same thing with torie

[6:00:11 PM] Leslie Bigelow: just thought maybe you new

[6:00:32 PM] Tracie Waldroup: No, I don't know.

[6:00:47 PM] Leslie Bigelow: did i make you mad?

[6:01:00 PM] Tracie Waldroup: No, I am not mad. I just do not know anything,

[6:01:22 PM] Leslie Bigelow: ok. how are you doin?

[6:01:41 PM] Tracie Waldroup: I am doing OK. Skyping with David.

[6:01:50 PM] Leslie Bigelow: o ok

[6:01:54 PM] Leslie Bigelow:  by then

[6:02:04 PM] Tracie Waldroup: I will ttyl

[6:02:07 PM] Leslie Bigelow: k

The back story (at least on my side of things):




My Aunt Davina moved to Kentucky to be around my sister and I moved out there to be around family. My Aunt and I get along with each other when she is NOT with her (ex)husband. My sister and my Aunt get along about as well as oil and water. I moved out and eventually moved away to be with David (and away from my family) and Leslie and Davina kept fighting, and I was "friends" with both of them through facebook.




While David was gone in Basic, Davina introduced me to her friend Eve, who is an Army wife. Eve and I got along really well and became friends. Because she is in Campbell her and I hung out a lot and when I go to TN to visit with my family in law I visit with Eve. The Christmas before last Davina made a trip to TN to visit with people, called me up and said that she was going to stop by and visit me. She never showed up. Then last Christmas I was in TN and Davina said that she was going to go to TN to visit but when she realized I was there she decided not to. The day AFTER I left TN she decided that she was going there to visit.




Recently Leslie deleted me from her friends list on FB, I asked why, she said it was because I never talked to her. I pointed out to her that when I did make a comment she ignored me. Then Davina deleted me and that is the first conversation.




Furthermore, Davina and her (ex)husband are not good people together. They bring out everything that is bad in each other. Davina becomes all about money and what people can do for her because that is how her (ex)husband is. Troy is just not a nice person. So when he is around I do not like her. I have told her this and when she divorced him I told her that if she got back with him I would not go and visit her anymore but she was welcome to see me if he was not around. Recently she asked if I would go visit her and I told her no. I do not want to be around Troy or her (when she is around Troy) I then invited HER and my cousin Kaela to come visit me. She said no.




I am tired of the drama and wish that it would stop. I deliberately have NOTHING to do with these people because it is like this only worse on a daily basis. I cannot deal with the stress of them plus everything I have going on in my life. If they want to be toxic towards each other and if they want to treat each other as punching bags - both emotionally and physically - that is their business but please LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.

Day 29

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to change how I feel about myself because it is a toxic feeling most of the time. I need to realize that I am more than a medical condition (my weight) and that I am more than a product of bad genes.

Day 28

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

I would celebrate. I have been told by a couple of doctors that I am not able to have children (I have less than 1% chance of getting pregnant) so if I were pregnant it would feel like a miracle.

Day 27

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

The best thing going for me right now is my husband. Even when he makes me mad, he still manages to make me smile.

Day 26

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes I have thought about it.

It was right after David had left to Tennessee and I got left in California. I have never, in my whole life, trusted another person completely, at least not until I met David. I trusted him with everything inside me and opened up to him about everything that had happened to me. He is the only person I can remember that did not blame me in some way or shy away from me because I was "dirty". When he betrayed my trust and threw my past in my face to hurt me I felt my soul die a little. I was devastated and did not want to feel the pain anymore. In my life, up until he hurt me, being with him was the only part of my life that I can remember where I was not in constant emotional pain so when my reason for happiness went away, so did my will to live.

Day 25

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I believe that I am still alive because there is more that I have to do on this earth. Things that God has planned for me that I have yet to do.

Day 24

Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Brian Adams - Please Forgive Me
Miley Cyrus - Stay
Colbie Caillat - I Never Told You
Basshunter - All I Ever Wanted
Josh Groban - When You Say You Love Me
Mike Schmid - To Show You My Love
Josh Groban - With You
Alanis Morissette - You Owe Me Nothing In Return
Adele - Make You Feel My Love
One Republic - Come Home


My Dearest Husband,

I love you, that is why.

Eternally yours

Me

Day 23

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I would of done everything that has been done because without that I would not be where I am.