Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Started smoking.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Day 21
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Rush to be with her/him. Regardless if we fought an hour before my best friend is still my best friend and I would want to be there in case he/she needed me.
Rush to be with her/him. Regardless if we fought an hour before my best friend is still my best friend and I would want to be there in case he/she needed me.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Day 20
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
I think that drugs (non prescription) are bad, I think that anything that could change your judgement/mood/personality so drastically as some of the drugs do are horrible and I feel bad for the people who get hooked on them. At the same time I don't feel bad because it was their bad decision to do the drugs in the first place. I feel that if you are on drugs and choose to do the drugs on a continuous basis and you do bad things in order to get drugs then it is your fault and you have no right to complain.
I think that people abuse alcohol and make it a bad thing. I think that in moderation it is not a terrible thing because it does tend to relax the body and sometimes that is needed. On the flip side, most people who drink, drink to excess and therein is the problem. Instead of drinking to have the relaxation they drink to be out of control of themselves. So in a way I almost feel the way I do about drugs.
I think that drugs (non prescription) are bad, I think that anything that could change your judgement/mood/personality so drastically as some of the drugs do are horrible and I feel bad for the people who get hooked on them. At the same time I don't feel bad because it was their bad decision to do the drugs in the first place. I feel that if you are on drugs and choose to do the drugs on a continuous basis and you do bad things in order to get drugs then it is your fault and you have no right to complain.
I think that people abuse alcohol and make it a bad thing. I think that in moderation it is not a terrible thing because it does tend to relax the body and sometimes that is needed. On the flip side, most people who drink, drink to excess and therein is the problem. Instead of drinking to have the relaxation they drink to be out of control of themselves. So in a way I almost feel the way I do about drugs.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Work, school, life in general.
I realized recently that I have not posted much of anything on here other than the 30 day challenge info and one or two posts so I thought I would catch up a bit.
I am still working, much to my backs dismay. I actually do like my job and if it were not for the back pain I get because of all the stairs I would love my job. I know eventually I may have to find something else but for now I am going to try to stick it out as much as possible. On Saturday I had to call out sick for half the day while I went to the emergency room. The night before I was walking down the steps on my patio and for some reason Yoric decided to stop in front of me so I fell back and my back hit the top step. The diagnosis is I have bruised muscles in my back and the doctor said I will be stiff for a while. I initially had no plans on going to work that day (I was in pain plus it was my anniversary with David and wanted to spend as much time as I could with him via Skype) but when I called my boss and realized she was still getting sick I felt guilty and went ahead and went in so she could go home.
School is going OK. I am in two classes right now and I only have 8 more days left of this cycle. I went ahead and signed up for three more classes in the next cycle. The cycle after that I am taking off because David may be coming home in the middle of that cycle. Of course he was told he may be coming home late so we really don't know when he is coming home.
I am trying to keep David's spirits up and I pray for him every day but it is so hard sometimes. I know that he is miserable over there and because of that has pretty much given up. Because of that he has been getting in trouble and because of THAT his insecurities and fears have come out. He feels like he is a failure at everything and that he is not worthy of being loved, all the things that he was told and that took root in his mind. He is convinced that he is worthless. I try so hard to make him realize that it is not true and I tell him how amazing he is but he needs to realize that I am telling the truth and the person/people who made him feel like that are in the past and gone. I think it is easier for people to believe the negative things they are told or made to believe (even though they may not be true) than it is for them to believe the positive things. I get so sad that I cannot take away his pain but at the same time I get so angry that he believed that junk in the first place. I also get angry because of his willingness to give up when things are hard and while I was trying to encourage him and make him see that it is almost over, I also tried to make him see that he is immature sometimes and needs to buck up, do what he needs to do.
David and I both agreed that once he gets back we are going to go to marriage counseling and I asked him if he would go to individual counseling for himself to work out some of his mental issues and to realize he is a wonderful man who didn't deserve to be treated like dirt. I also told him that I wanted to start individual counseling for myself for pretty much the same reasons.
I know that I am not a perfect person and I know that David is not a perfect person, but I also know that when we are both doing what we are supposed to be doing and treating each other like we deserve we are almost perfect together.
I hope that this Christmas David will be home.
I hope that the housing office finally gets there stuff together and calls me with my new address and move date.
I hope that Yoric will stop walking in front of me and causing me to fall over (haha yeah right)
I hope that this medicine I am taking will stop causing me to be depressed and mad at people.
I am still working, much to my backs dismay. I actually do like my job and if it were not for the back pain I get because of all the stairs I would love my job. I know eventually I may have to find something else but for now I am going to try to stick it out as much as possible. On Saturday I had to call out sick for half the day while I went to the emergency room. The night before I was walking down the steps on my patio and for some reason Yoric decided to stop in front of me so I fell back and my back hit the top step. The diagnosis is I have bruised muscles in my back and the doctor said I will be stiff for a while. I initially had no plans on going to work that day (I was in pain plus it was my anniversary with David and wanted to spend as much time as I could with him via Skype) but when I called my boss and realized she was still getting sick I felt guilty and went ahead and went in so she could go home.
School is going OK. I am in two classes right now and I only have 8 more days left of this cycle. I went ahead and signed up for three more classes in the next cycle. The cycle after that I am taking off because David may be coming home in the middle of that cycle. Of course he was told he may be coming home late so we really don't know when he is coming home.
I am trying to keep David's spirits up and I pray for him every day but it is so hard sometimes. I know that he is miserable over there and because of that has pretty much given up. Because of that he has been getting in trouble and because of THAT his insecurities and fears have come out. He feels like he is a failure at everything and that he is not worthy of being loved, all the things that he was told and that took root in his mind. He is convinced that he is worthless. I try so hard to make him realize that it is not true and I tell him how amazing he is but he needs to realize that I am telling the truth and the person/people who made him feel like that are in the past and gone. I think it is easier for people to believe the negative things they are told or made to believe (even though they may not be true) than it is for them to believe the positive things. I get so sad that I cannot take away his pain but at the same time I get so angry that he believed that junk in the first place. I also get angry because of his willingness to give up when things are hard and while I was trying to encourage him and make him see that it is almost over, I also tried to make him see that he is immature sometimes and needs to buck up, do what he needs to do.
David and I both agreed that once he gets back we are going to go to marriage counseling and I asked him if he would go to individual counseling for himself to work out some of his mental issues and to realize he is a wonderful man who didn't deserve to be treated like dirt. I also told him that I wanted to start individual counseling for myself for pretty much the same reasons.
I know that I am not a perfect person and I know that David is not a perfect person, but I also know that when we are both doing what we are supposed to be doing and treating each other like we deserve we are almost perfect together.
I hope that this Christmas David will be home.
I hope that the housing office finally gets there stuff together and calls me with my new address and move date.
I hope that Yoric will stop walking in front of me and causing me to fall over (haha yeah right)
I hope that this medicine I am taking will stop causing me to be depressed and mad at people.
Cutting ties.
I sometimes feel like there is nobody that understand me, not even my husband. I think it is mostly because of my childhood and things that have happened to me but it makes it hard when I am not understood. I feel that people who hurt you need to stay in the past, they do not need to be brought to the present, not by the person they hurt or the person's family or friends. When I find people in my life have welcomed in people that have hurt me I tend to cut ties with that person. My biological father has another daughter - my half sister. She and I are friends on FB and her and David are friends on FB. He speaks with her on chat and for the longest time it bothered me and I did not really know why until one day she posted that she just got off the phone with her father and told him all about her friends on FB and how she may go live with him. In that instant I knew what was making my skin crawl about her and David talking on FB. I told him about it, told him I was not going to tell him to stop speaking with her but I would appreciate it if he did. He didn't, he still talks with her. I think that because he was never truly hurt by someone who was supposed to protect him (other than his ex wife making him feel like no one loved him, not even his family but that was more psychological, still significant but not the same) he does not really know or understand why I feel the way I do. I think that I have explained it to him enough that if I tell him I am not comfortable with it, he should know not to do it. I think perhaps I should be blunt with him and just have him delete her from his friends list and block her, that way there is no chance that my biological father's life will mix with mine.
Time to get the scissors out and make some cuts in my life.
Time to get the scissors out and make some cuts in my life.
Day 19
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
I think that religion is beautiful but most of the time it gets caught up in the politics of church that it becomes distorted and things are done in the name of religion that is horrendous.
I think politics are good in theory but fall short in practice. I think that if the politicians started looking out for the people instead of what their interests are then it would be better. I also believe that if they kept true to the goal of our founding fathers then we would not be in some of the situations that we are in now. I also think that instead of separating church and state, state should embrace the church (at least Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit) and let them be their guides instead of major oil companies and tobacco companies.
I think that religion is beautiful but most of the time it gets caught up in the politics of church that it becomes distorted and things are done in the name of religion that is horrendous.
I think politics are good in theory but fall short in practice. I think that if the politicians started looking out for the people instead of what their interests are then it would be better. I also believe that if they kept true to the goal of our founding fathers then we would not be in some of the situations that we are in now. I also think that instead of separating church and state, state should embrace the church (at least Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit) and let them be their guides instead of major oil companies and tobacco companies.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Day 18
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I do not agree with gay marriage. Mostly because I do not agree with the gay lifestyle. I have known people who said they were gay and if that is how they choose to live then that is something they will have to deal with when the time comes. I think that for the most part people choose to be gay, there may be some people who are born with something wrong in their head making them think that way but I know that most of the people I know that are in that lifestyle chose it.
I do not agree with gay marriage. Mostly because I do not agree with the gay lifestyle. I have known people who said they were gay and if that is how they choose to live then that is something they will have to deal with when the time comes. I think that for the most part people choose to be gay, there may be some people who are born with something wrong in their head making them think that way but I know that most of the people I know that are in that lifestyle chose it.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Day 17
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
This is a difficult question for me because I have read so many books. Inside each book that I read there may be something that causes me to stop and think and possibly change my view about something.
A book that sticks out in my memory as causing a dramatic change in the way I thought/felt about something when I was young is "A Child Called It". I was about 16 when I read it and I remember reading it and realizing that perhaps what happened to me was not my fault and that there are other people out there in just as much pain as I was in. That is when I started to volunteer to be a "big sister" to children who had been abused to let them know that they were not alone and it was not their fault. I wish there was an organization like that around here like there was in California that focuses specifically on children that had suffered from sexual abuse.
This is a difficult question for me because I have read so many books. Inside each book that I read there may be something that causes me to stop and think and possibly change my view about something.
A book that sticks out in my memory as causing a dramatic change in the way I thought/felt about something when I was young is "A Child Called It". I was about 16 when I read it and I remember reading it and realizing that perhaps what happened to me was not my fault and that there are other people out there in just as much pain as I was in. That is when I started to volunteer to be a "big sister" to children who had been abused to let them know that they were not alone and it was not their fault. I wish there was an organization like that around here like there was in California that focuses specifically on children that had suffered from sexual abuse.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Day 16
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
I could live without the people in my life and in David's life that make us feel like we are not worth anything. The people who tell us that we are worthless and a waste of space. The people who rip our self esteem down and take pleasure in causing the pain. I could live without the people who allow them to do it as well.
I could live without the people in my life and in David's life that make us feel like we are not worth anything. The people who tell us that we are worthless and a waste of space. The people who rip our self esteem down and take pleasure in causing the pain. I could live without the people who allow them to do it as well.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
hmm
Dear parents of girls in elementary school,
I understand that you want your precious girl to look cute and to feel good about herself, I also understand that you want to let her develop her own taste in clothing and to grow into her own person with her own likes and dislikes. What I do not understand is why you feel it is appropriate to either dress your child or let your child dress in an overly sexual way. Do you really want her to grow up with the image that the only way to look cute is to show off her body in a bad way or do you want her to have the problem of people assuming that she is a woman of low moral fiber and willing to give "it" away to anyone that wants it? I think that the women of this nation have enough problems when facing societies version of beautiful that we do not need our young impressionable girls trying to dress like strippers. Why don't we focus on getting them to learn how to eat healthy, make good life choices, and how to love themselves for being amazing young women instead of having them have to dress like prostitutes to attract people to them.
I get sad when I see the elementary school girls walking down the road in skirts and shorts so short that you can tell them what color panties they are wearing or wearing tank tops cut so low you can almost see their belly buttons. It is a shame that they cannot focus on being little girls and instead are focusing on trying to be like the majority of the women on T.V.
Sincerely,
A woman disappointed in the pressures placed on young girls.
I understand that you want your precious girl to look cute and to feel good about herself, I also understand that you want to let her develop her own taste in clothing and to grow into her own person with her own likes and dislikes. What I do not understand is why you feel it is appropriate to either dress your child or let your child dress in an overly sexual way. Do you really want her to grow up with the image that the only way to look cute is to show off her body in a bad way or do you want her to have the problem of people assuming that she is a woman of low moral fiber and willing to give "it" away to anyone that wants it? I think that the women of this nation have enough problems when facing societies version of beautiful that we do not need our young impressionable girls trying to dress like strippers. Why don't we focus on getting them to learn how to eat healthy, make good life choices, and how to love themselves for being amazing young women instead of having them have to dress like prostitutes to attract people to them.
I get sad when I see the elementary school girls walking down the road in skirts and shorts so short that you can tell them what color panties they are wearing or wearing tank tops cut so low you can almost see their belly buttons. It is a shame that they cannot focus on being little girls and instead are focusing on trying to be like the majority of the women on T.V.
Sincerely,
A woman disappointed in the pressures placed on young girls.
Day 15
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
I do not think I could live without David, at least not healthy living. When David left California I was devastated and I thought of him every day, I missed him every day. Every man I met was compared to David and came up short. I was miserable and felt like the best part of my life was gone. When we got back together I was ecstatic and happy and complete. I love David with every fiber of my being and hope that we are going to be together for eternity.
I do not think I could live without David, at least not healthy living. When David left California I was devastated and I thought of him every day, I missed him every day. Every man I met was compared to David and came up short. I was miserable and felt like the best part of my life was gone. When we got back together I was ecstatic and happy and complete. I love David with every fiber of my being and hope that we are going to be together for eternity.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Day 14
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
I have never had a hero in my life. I have had people that I looked up and and in some ways I respected them but I have never had a true hero.
I have never had a hero in my life. I have had people that I looked up and and in some ways I respected them but I have never had a true hero.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Day 13
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
There is no 1 specific band or artist that has gotten me through tough times so it is a general letter to everyone.
Dear artists,
I have had rough times through the years and have never been good at expressing myself so when I am going through a tough time listening to your music helps me to express how I am feeling. Being able to hear my emotions put to music with the words I am feeling has helped me to heal inside and to move on from what is happening in my life. Thank you for the help that you have given me when I needed it.
Me.
There is no 1 specific band or artist that has gotten me through tough times so it is a general letter to everyone.
Dear artists,
I have had rough times through the years and have never been good at expressing myself so when I am going through a tough time listening to your music helps me to express how I am feeling. Being able to hear my emotions put to music with the words I am feeling has helped me to heal inside and to move on from what is happening in my life. Thank you for the help that you have given me when I needed it.
Me.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Day 12
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
It seems that I never get compliments on my housework. For the most part I have been depressed since David left and some stuff happened so I have not wanted to clean so I haven't. I used to be really compulsive about cleaning and making sure everything was put away so this is quite the change for me.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Day 11
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
It seems that lately the thing that people compliment me the most is actually my body as odd as that is. I have been to the gym recently and was told by a (very young) soldier that I looked amazing. I do not see what he sees though.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Day 10
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
It is sad to say that this but I believe that I need to let go of the majority of my family. With most of my family it is a toxic relationship for me and being around them is just not good for me.
It is sad to say that this but I believe that I need to let go of the majority of my family. With most of my family it is a toxic relationship for me and being around them is just not good for me.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Day 09
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
My friend Susan. We met each other in high school and after she found out she had cancer all of her other friends left but I stayed. I was with her in the hospital for over 6 months, staying there with her and trying to get her to fight for her life. After she went into remission and David and I started dating (way back in the day) we were still friends but after David and I split up we drifted apart. Mostly because of the rumors going around about her and David being together and she was going through a divorce and was hooked on prescription drugs. I am not innocent in the whole thing. After David left I lost interest in living, I was basically just a shell of a person and I am sure that did not help out friendship.
My friend Susan. We met each other in high school and after she found out she had cancer all of her other friends left but I stayed. I was with her in the hospital for over 6 months, staying there with her and trying to get her to fight for her life. After she went into remission and David and I started dating (way back in the day) we were still friends but after David and I split up we drifted apart. Mostly because of the rumors going around about her and David being together and she was going through a divorce and was hooked on prescription drugs. I am not innocent in the whole thing. After David left I lost interest in living, I was basically just a shell of a person and I am sure that did not help out friendship.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Day 08
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like dirt.
My biological father. Enough said.
My biological father. Enough said.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Day 07
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
David. Despite all the mistakes he and I have made he makes my life worth living for. He is a true joy in my life and I wish he could see himself the way I see him. I also wish others could see him the way I see him.
David. Despite all the mistakes he and I have made he makes my life worth living for. He is a true joy in my life and I wish he could see himself the way I see him. I also wish others could see him the way I see him.
Day 06
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
I hope that I never have to tell David I am leaving him again.
I hope that I never have to tell David I am leaving him again.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Day 04
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I guess the person I have to forgive is David. Him and I have talked about this and that he has never asked to be forgiven. He says that he is not ready to forgive himself and until he forgives himself he does not know how I can forgive him.
I guess the person I have to forgive is David. Him and I have talked about this and that he has never asked to be forgiven. He says that he is not ready to forgive himself and until he forgives himself he does not know how I can forgive him.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Day 03
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I guess the first thing that came to mind was that I need to forgive myself for not being perfect. I know that perfection in a person is not possible but for the longest time I expected myself to be perfect. I am coming to understand that despite my flaws I am actually a great person.
I guess the first thing that came to mind was that I need to forgive myself for not being perfect. I know that perfection in a person is not possible but for the longest time I expected myself to be perfect. I am coming to understand that despite my flaws I am actually a great person.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Day 02
Something you love about yourself.
I love my willingness to accept people for what they are. If I like the person I welcome them into my life. If I do not care for the person I do not have to be around them. I do not try to change people.
I love my willingness to accept people for what they are. If I like the person I welcome them into my life. If I do not care for the person I do not have to be around them. I do not try to change people.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Day 01
Something you hate about yourself.
Something that I hate about myself is my weight. Every since I developed PCOS I have had had a hard time with my weight and in fact the PCOS caused me to gain A LOT of weight. I wish it were different and when I do try to loose weight it does not work.
30 Day Challenge
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like dirt.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like dirt.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Being vain.
I am trying to learn how to take good photos but with the lack of subject matter I fall back onto what is available. Me!!! So here ya go, more pictures of me!
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| Trying to play around with back-lighting. |
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| Again, trying to add lighting elements. Did not work out very well. |
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| Side lighting. |
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| More side lighting. |
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| Apparently I liked the side lighting. |
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| I don't remember what my point was in this one. |
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| Usually I do mostly profiles or slight profiles, I tried to go for a frontal shot. |
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| Mischievous me. |
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| I have HUGE forehead (more like a fivehead) haha love it :) |
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| OK, smiling, head tilted to the side. I think I like it. |
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| My hair smells really good by the way lol. |
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