Just between us.

I have been thinking of something for a while now but have not yet wrote about it on here. Mainly because I have one follower and I am afraid of what she may think. So to my follower, I apologize if this upsets you in any way.

David has been thinking of getting a tattoo (the upsetting I mentioned earlier) and he kinda already knows what he wants. A shield, two swords and a skull. He says that it means "Defend to the death those I love" (paraphrasing). Before he told me what he was wanting he just mentioned he was thinking of getting a tattoo. I asked, half jesting half serious, if he would get one that symbolizes me and our relationship and he said no. Then he proceeded to tell me what he wanted and what it meant.

Maybe I am over-thinking this but shouldn't that, in some way, symbolize me? Should I not be included among those he loves? When I asked him if that did not symbolize me in the most general of ways he said no. Does that mean he does not love me?  What does that say about how he feels about me?

I feel as though he has rejected me and my love. I know he says that he loves me but it is things like this that make me feel as though he does not.

Getting back into the swing of things.

I feel like poo, my emotions are everywhere and my body just hurts all the time. I think it is time for me to start going back to the gym.

Since March 9th I have not been back to the gym, first I had oral surgery and was trying to recover from that and then I was having trouble with my back and then I got sick and even after two weeks and 1 day am still sick. (I am afraid that I will never get my voice back!)

I think that if I were to start getting back into the swing of things then maybe I would not feel so funky all the time and hopefully my body will stop hurting all the time. And possibly I could get more than 2-3 hours of sleep a day.

So I have decided that tomorrow I will go back to the gym and start off slow again, mostly because I am still sick and have a real hard time breathing but also because I have not been in so long.

Music.

If you know me well you could guess my mood by the music I am listening to at the time. Right now I am listening to a lot of songs that have to deal with being alone or broken or simply instrumental music that is haunting.

What do you think that says about my mood?

Being emotional.

I got a new couch with the OK of David. With the new couch came the need to get rid of the couch set we previously had. I must confess that as I watched the people take it out of my home and load it into their truck I became emotional. It was the first set that David and I had as a married couple and, as odd as this sounds, it kinda felt as though I was giving away a piece of him and I.  Like there was a chapter in our marriage that has been finished and there is no going back to it.

Is it silly to be emotional over a couch set? If so, then I guess I am silly.

:)

Despite the fact that I still feel really bad and I still have no voice I am actually in a good mood. I am going to be kinda busy for the next couple of days so I may not have a chance to talk to David but today we spoke for over an hour. Well, perhaps I should say that I spoke for over an hour and he answered when I asked him questions. I need to send him a book on how to have a conversation hahahahaha.

Anyway, just wanted to share a smile! :)  :D  :)  :D

Cough, cough, croak, croak.

Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak. Cough, cough cough cough, croak, croak croak croak.

That is pretty much all I have done today. :(

Tracie the Frog.

On Tuesday I got sick and almost immediately my voice was affected. It is now Saturday and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Because people have been telling me that I sound horrible I decided to hear what I sounded like (outside of what I sound like in my head).

I must say I sound worse in my own head than I do on the video. Haha.

Pity party for one.

I am sick. I do not like being sick. I want David.

My chest and throat feel like they are on fire, I have a headache, I am dizzy, lightheaded and not able to breath. I keep getting the chills and then right after that I feel like I am burning up. My skin is super sensitive and my tummy is churning. My eyes feel like they are burning through the sockets and are about to burst.

I really really want David.

My marriage.

I have been thinking about my marriage for the last couple of weeks or so and I am not sure if my emotions are exaggerated because I have been sick and dealing with personal stuff or if they are justified.

I love David so very much. More than I thought it was possible to love another person. I have loved him since 2001 and I expect I will love him for all eternity. I was ecstatically happy when him and I were married. It felt as though God had heard my prayers and granted my fondest dream.

Since we have been married we have had our ups and our downs and I think that part of the problem is that in the 19 or so months that we have been married we have only spent 9 months together and in those 9 months we have gone through so many changes. We have not really had a chance to settle down together and get used to being married.

I knew before I married David that he had some flaws, he makes mistakes and despite those or maybe because of those I still loved him and wanted to be with him. I figured if I could love him as much as I do even when he makes me angry then he was a keeper. I am not a perfect person, I know that I have flaws and I make mistakes. I also know I am a jealous person as far as David is concerned (I feel as though he has given me reason though) and I am working on it. I believe that David and I together make sense. We fit together and if we both made an effort our marriage could be amazing.

Since David left for deployment he has ran me through the gauntlet, so to speak. Right after he left I found an e-mail to another woman. We worked through that as best we could and then I found a chat conversation he had with another woman where he professed his love for her. I guess we worked through that as best we could. I am still hurt over it and he has yet to ask my forgiveness for anything that he has put me through but I imagine it is something we can work on when he gets home.

I have been feeling neglected, abandoned and taken for granted in the last week or so. I do not want to be in the type of marriage that is a one way street where I am giving and giving and all he is doing is taking. Where every once and awhile he does something to show he cares but even those few instances are going away.

I do get to talk to David a lot more than other people get to talk to their spouses but that is because David has a lot of down time. I understand that sometimes we are not ABLE to talk but there are times when we are able to talk that he chooses to not talk to me (even knowing that I am going through a rough time). Since he has been gone he has not sent me one letter, package or even a postcard. He did order me something from online and I was happy about that and I thanked him. Since he has been gone I have made an effort to send out at least one package a month and there have been times where I sent out 2-3, plus I sent him cards and letters.

There are times when he will send me a text in the middle of the night that will wake me up and I will get up and talk to him because he wants to talk. There are times where I have had to reschedule an appointment or something because he wanted to talk.  I go online and find funny jokes, or videos or pictures and send them to him just so he will have something to make him smile and to let him know I was thinking of him.

I cannot recall if David has ever once rearranged his down time to talk to me. In fact one time I asked him to because I had something I was doing and he said no. When I asked him why not he said he didn't want to. I pointed out that if he didn't we wouldn't be able to talk and he was OK with that. I do not think David has ever woke up a couple minutes early just to get online and let me know he was thinking of me.

Before David deployed and even when he was in basic training he would do the sweetest things. When he was in basic I never had a doubt that he loved me and that I was on his mind and we only got to talk a handful of times but he sent me letters a lot. He wrote to me how much he cared about me and what I meant to him. Now I have to ask how much I mean to him and I usually just get the answer "a lot".  When he was home he would come home from work and surprise me with something sweet or he would tell me how much he cares. He would show me how much he cares, not just with material things but with actions. Even though we talk a lot I feel so distant from him. I feel like he does not make an effort to make sure I know he loves me or that he cares about me. I sometimes wish he would change back into the man I married.

I love David very much and want to be married to him but at the same time I love myself and do not want to be in a marriage where my husband thinks it is OK to emotionally cheat on me, disregard me, not support me, and abandon me when I need him just because HE does not feel like talking. I need it to be an equal partnership, where we both make an effort for one another, not a partnership where one does all the work.

Giving up.

I told my husband yesterday that I was feeling neglected and that I was taken for granted. I told him this to try to make him understand that even though he does not need to talk to me every time he is able I need to talk to him. I give him so much, I am always available for him to talk to when he is down and I try very hard to support him without being negative.

The day before yesterday I was having a very hard day, I spent most of it crying and just really down and I told him I was having a rough day. At about 6am he had to go but said he would get back with me later. I never heard from him till the next day. When I asked him what happened he said some various things about being very busy. Then he said that he was speaking to someone via Skype (I was not mad about who he was speaking with). I asked him when that was and it was about 4 hours after he said he would get back with me. He never even bothered to try to get a hold of me.

Today I know he was online at least 2-3 times but again, no effort was made to contact me. I am tired of feeling like I am always put behind everything else. Even FB comes ahead of me. I am tired of giving him everything, support, love, time, effort and feeling like I do not matter. I give up on trying to make him see that he is pushing me away from him. I give up on trying to make him understand that I need to feel loved and right now I feel like he is indifferent towards me. I am just tired of feeling like I am not good enough for him to love. I give up.

I love my husband very much. I think he is a wonderful man and I tell him that all the time. I want to spend forever with him. I just do not think he feels the same way about me.

Update 04/06/2011:   David told me today that he did not feel like talking yesterday and that is why he didn't get a hold of me. My feeling about that is that I am so glad to know that this marriage is all about him and that he is not willing to support me or be there for me. (I am angry)

Ethical VS Moral.

Yesterday I was watching NCIS and one of the characters, Ducky, said something that really captured my attention. The direct quote was “The ethical man knows he shouldn’t cheat on his wife, whereas the moral man actually wouldn’t.” 

This made me think of how people live their lives, what they are doing in their lives that may go against what I feel is moral or ethical. More specifically I was thinking of David and I. How we go about things differently, how we may feel differently about things and the choices that we have made. (OK, I will be honest, I thought mostly about David)

I know that David is an ethical man. He knows the difference between right and wrong. He knows what he should and should not do. Is David a moral man? I want to believe that he is. I want to trust that he is. I know that he has made some mistakes in the past, I know that he regrets those mistakes and I hope that he will never repeat some of those mistakes.

I would like to believe that I am an ethical person. I know right and wrong, good and bad. I hope that I am a moral person. I try very hard to stay true to what I believe is right and wrong. I am loyal to my husband, I cannot even stand the thought of even trying to be disloyal to David. I am so odd that I feel guilty that other guys even look at me. 

I am not a perfect person. Really is there a perfect person anywhere? I would like to think that I am a nice person though, I would like to think that I am a moral person. 

The cross.

I know that in my church we do not focus so much on the cross but I am drawn again again to the simple beauty of the cross. To me it does not portray the death of Jesus but the gift and sacrifice that was made for us because we are loved and because of that it is even more beautiful to me.

Once, when I was still investigating the church, a member came up to me and noticed I was wearing a cross necklace. His response was not very nice. He said (and I am paraphrasing) "How would you like it if I wore your parents casket around my neck?"

I have not wore a cross since then. I do miss my necklace though, it was beautiful-to me.