Breaking the cycle.

I have always had issues with trust. I believe that it started when I was just a baby when I was abused and molested by my father. That is only one aspect of the issues that I have. Because I felt let down by my mother and family for not protecting me,I didn't trust them either. Then in romantic relationships I have trust issues because all of the relationships I have had they ended badly because of lies and being cheated on.

That is why my marriage is ending. My husband decided that having emotional relationships with many woman was better than having the love and devotion of one woman. Now he is telling me that it is my fault, and that he has never loved me.

It took me a while to break through the anger I had at him to realize that what he told me is not true. I believe at one time he did love me and deeply. Because of the choices he has made and who is choosing to be he is trying to stop feeling guilty and trying to pass the fault onto me.

I refuse to accept the fault of his decision. I am not responsible for him breaking his lies and promises.

During our relationship he made me feel worthless, like I was not worthy of being loved. Not so much by his words but by his actions. He could say something until he was blue in the face but his actions always said something different. Something that went against his words.

My whole life I have been made to feel worthless. I was always left behind, last to be thought of, last to be cared about, but I was always the first one there when someone needed me. I think it may be time to break that cycle. It is also time for me to stop thinking that because of how they treated me that is who I am.

I need to start to love myself and to realize that I am better than I was treated in the past. I DESERVE to be loved the way that I love people. I deserve respect and I deserve loyalty. If I start to believe that, deep in my heart if I believe that then I know that I will find people to surround myself that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I am an amazing person, I find that hard to say right now but I will keep telling myself that because it is true. I have been through things that others find impossible and yet I am still standing strong. I must continue to tell myself that I am great and amazing because eventually my voice will drown out all the other voices telling me I am nothing.

What it does.

Disappointment in someone is hard to let go of. When someone acts in ways that are contrary to how you know them to be, it hurts. When you want the best for someone but they keep giving their worst, it is hard to walk away. When you see something amazing in someone but they don't want to be amazing because it is too hard, it is painful to see them fail.

When you hear the lies that fall from their lips, it breaks your heart. When you feel alone because they don't want to live up to their promises, it is a stab to the heart. When you devote yourself to making them happy only to have them throw it back at you, it is devastating.

When you have to choose to wait for a miracle or decide it is over, it breaks you.