An e-mail to my husband.

David,

I have been sitting here thinking of you and I and I have so many feelings going through me right now that I don’t really know where to begin.

Here are some things that I have been thinking about:

We will fight, there will be times where we just want to walk away, throw our hands up and say “I give up!” We will make up, we will come back to each other, apologize and then move forward and grow together. We will get irritated at each other and just want some time alone, but once we have too much time alone we will want to be together more than anything else in the world. I will drive you up the wall with how jealous I get and how much I need your affection but I will also stand by you, support you, love you, encourage you and tell you how wonderful you truly are. We will never be as good apart as we are together. You are my world, my everything, the one person in my life who really understands me and loves me despite that. I will get mad at you, I will question you about other people, I will get jealous when you are not focused on just me, I will also apologize and try to understand, I will feel bad and try to make up to you. I will spoil you, dreadfully, but I will also make you happy if you would let me. I will always be there for you and will try to understand that sometimes when I am trying to be there for you that you just need to be alone. I will dance with you, play swords with you and make funny faces at you, just so you will smile. I will love you with every fiber of my being and be loyal to you and never stray from your side. I need to know that you will do that as well.

I love you David. More than I ever thought possible to love another person. For me, you are perfect. I know I am a headache sometimes, but I am pretty awesome as well. Please love me and please be happy with me because you make me so very happy David.

Love for eternity,
Your Wife
Tracie

(sent on June 5th - He never responded)

Trying to deal with emotions.

Right after David deployed I found an email he wrote to a girl that made it seem he was emotionally cheating on me. We worked through it and he promised to not contact her or have contact with her again. Two days ago I found out that they were chatting on Yahoo messenger and even went on Skype to talk. It did not dawn on me at the time but they did not exchange user names for Skype which means they have talked on Skype before - even though he promised to not have anything to do with her - and I am really hurt over the whole thing. I feel as though he feels talking to someone who says that she will break up his and my marriage is worth more than our marriage. Now he is on his way home for R&R and I am having mixed feelings about him coming home. On one hand I am so excited to see him again, I do love him very much, but on the other hand I am scared to see him because of all this hurt inside me (even though I love him, sometimes I do not like him). I don't know what tomorrow will bring, either the end of my marriage or a resolution to some of our problems. I no longer want to be hurt which means he will have to make up his mind on a couple of things. I am worth more than empty promises and lies and it is about time he started acting like that.

..

I want my husband home.

Lack of motivation.

I apologize for not writing in the blog very recently. I have lacked motivation to actually log on and type anything. There are a couple of new things in my life recently that have kept me a little busy.

I started working recently at the Fort Riley Post Museum. There are two main museums that I work at on the weekend and every once and a while a week day. The main one is the Cavalry Museum and then the 1st Infantry Division Museum. It is interesting to see the different things that happened at Fort Riley going back to when the Fort was started and I enjoy working there for the most part. There are a couple of hard things about working there, one of them is on an average day I walk up and down 800-1000 stairs. I suppose it is good exercise for me but I have some physical problems that make working more than the weekend difficult because of all the stairs. The other hard thing is that in 1st ID museum there is a room dedicated to the fallen soldiers from the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, it is hard for me to walk in and inspect the room, to see the names of the solders that gave their lives. I get tears in my eyes every time I have to inspect the room (which is on the hour every hour). 

I am also training to work at the Custer House Museum giving guided tours to people. Explaining how live was in the 1800s, again more stairs and at this one I am on my feet most of the day. My legs, butt and feet are killing me today. I hope that eventually I will get used to it so it will not be so bad.

For the most part I do enjoy getting out of the house for the weekend to go to work. It gives me a bit of a break from my dog and neighbors. I am not sure if I will be working there this coming winter because of the lack of hours but time will tell. Plus I am not fond of the thought of working weekends once David gets home. At least not for the first couple of months after he gets home. I think that we will need time to get to know each other again and get used to living with each other again and if he works during the weekdays and I work during the weekends how will that happen?

I have begun to separate myself from my neighbors. Mostly because of one neighbor but she kind of has her fingers in everyone's business so I am separating from all of my neighbors. I do not like the rumors, lies, backstabbing, and general bad attitude that this one neighbor spreads around. That means that I am even more cut off and alone than I have been because I really do not have anyone here. I have a couple of "friends" but no one really reliable that I can talk to or spend time with. I do feel alone most of the time, like I am forgotten. I know that is not true, I know that I am not forgotten but most of the time it is a feeling I have that I cannot get rid of.

On a happier note David finally found out the dates of his R&R!!!! So we will be planning a trip to Tennessee for about four or five days once he gets here. I cannot say on here the exact dates of his R&R but when he gets to Fort Riley we will be calling to let people know.

Level 4.

My husband showed me a video of a comedian that he liked that was called "6 levels of fatness". It was funny and if you don't watch the video then here is a brief little tidbit about it. He says that there are 6 levels and he considers himself "fluffy" which is the 4th level. He is my height and he weighs 420 pounds. I was joking around and said I was the 5th level and David said no, I was fluffy which is the 4th level (what the comedian sees himself as).

I do not think I look like I weigh over 400 pounds but now I know how David sees me. It does not really make me happy. In fact I am still kinda in tears about it.

I feel so disgusting. :(

Not really happy.

Osama Bin Laden has been confirmed dead as of today. While people are celebrating the fact that he is no longer alive I am mourning the fact that we had to hunt him down in the first place. I am in mourning for all the people who lost their lives because of the actions of that man and his followers. I am mourning for the fact that those senseless deaths were in the name of religion.

There is a small part of me that wants to shout for joy at his passing for the most part I am just sad. I am also concerned because I am sure that there is going to be a huge backlash from his death and I am afraid for all of our soldiers still in combat zones. So while people on FB and blogs across this great nation make crass and crude jokes about the killing of a man I will be silently praying for all of our service members and their families as well as the innocent people in Iraq and Afghanistan who will be caught in the backlash.

Just between us.

I have been thinking of something for a while now but have not yet wrote about it on here. Mainly because I have one follower and I am afraid of what she may think. So to my follower, I apologize if this upsets you in any way.

David has been thinking of getting a tattoo (the upsetting I mentioned earlier) and he kinda already knows what he wants. A shield, two swords and a skull. He says that it means "Defend to the death those I love" (paraphrasing). Before he told me what he was wanting he just mentioned he was thinking of getting a tattoo. I asked, half jesting half serious, if he would get one that symbolizes me and our relationship and he said no. Then he proceeded to tell me what he wanted and what it meant.

Maybe I am over-thinking this but shouldn't that, in some way, symbolize me? Should I not be included among those he loves? When I asked him if that did not symbolize me in the most general of ways he said no. Does that mean he does not love me?  What does that say about how he feels about me?

I feel as though he has rejected me and my love. I know he says that he loves me but it is things like this that make me feel as though he does not.