Breaking the cycle.

I have always had issues with trust. I believe that it started when I was just a baby when I was abused and molested by my father. That is only one aspect of the issues that I have. Because I felt let down by my mother and family for not protecting me,I didn't trust them either. Then in romantic relationships I have trust issues because all of the relationships I have had they ended badly because of lies and being cheated on.

That is why my marriage is ending. My husband decided that having emotional relationships with many woman was better than having the love and devotion of one woman. Now he is telling me that it is my fault, and that he has never loved me.

It took me a while to break through the anger I had at him to realize that what he told me is not true. I believe at one time he did love me and deeply. Because of the choices he has made and who is choosing to be he is trying to stop feeling guilty and trying to pass the fault onto me.

I refuse to accept the fault of his decision. I am not responsible for him breaking his lies and promises.

During our relationship he made me feel worthless, like I was not worthy of being loved. Not so much by his words but by his actions. He could say something until he was blue in the face but his actions always said something different. Something that went against his words.

My whole life I have been made to feel worthless. I was always left behind, last to be thought of, last to be cared about, but I was always the first one there when someone needed me. I think it may be time to break that cycle. It is also time for me to stop thinking that because of how they treated me that is who I am.

I need to start to love myself and to realize that I am better than I was treated in the past. I DESERVE to be loved the way that I love people. I deserve respect and I deserve loyalty. If I start to believe that, deep in my heart if I believe that then I know that I will find people to surround myself that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I am an amazing person, I find that hard to say right now but I will keep telling myself that because it is true. I have been through things that others find impossible and yet I am still standing strong. I must continue to tell myself that I am great and amazing because eventually my voice will drown out all the other voices telling me I am nothing.

What it does.

Disappointment in someone is hard to let go of. When someone acts in ways that are contrary to how you know them to be, it hurts. When you want the best for someone but they keep giving their worst, it is hard to walk away. When you see something amazing in someone but they don't want to be amazing because it is too hard, it is painful to see them fail.

When you hear the lies that fall from their lips, it breaks your heart. When you feel alone because they don't want to live up to their promises, it is a stab to the heart. When you devote yourself to making them happy only to have them throw it back at you, it is devastating.

When you have to choose to wait for a miracle or decide it is over, it breaks you.

How?

How do you live with a man who hurts you every chance he gets? When every time he picks up the phone or computer you wonder who he is talking to? When every time he looks at you, you wonder who he is thinking of and why they are more important than you?

How do you live with a man that you are starting to hate?

Plans.

Everyone keeps asking me what my plans are now that David has show his true colors. Since he said that he does not want to be with me anymore.

I never really know what to say when someone asks me that. I do not know what my plans are. I do not know where I am going, what I am doing or if I am staying with David or not. I just simply do not know. Right now all that I can feel is anger.

Anger at David, anger and my situation, anger that things are falling apart. I am so angry that David is doing this to me and he is not going to be facing any consequences. He is going to go back to Tennessee and his whole family will be there, welcoming him with open arms. His friends are going to be there and they are going to act like nothing is wrong. That David didn't destroy not only our relationship but me as well. He is going to go back to his life and is leaving my life in shreds.

He has all these people who are in his corner, who support him and love him even though he does not deserve that support. He is NOT going to have to make amends for what he has done. He is going to go on and NEVER have to face up to what he has done because he will be back to his "normal" life when he gets to Tennessee.

I am so angry that he is being treated like his is not in the wrong, like he is the victim in this relationship. Meanwhile I have no one supporting me. I have no one who has my back. No one in my corner saying it is OK. That I did nothing wrong, that I am not the cause of my relationship falling apart. All I have is David, who acts like EVERYTHING is my fault.

Every word I say, every motion I make, every single thing I do, I am in the wrong according to how David acts. Simply being alive is in the wrong as far as David is concerned. So while he is ripping apart our marriage, while he is talking to other women and then acting like it is my fault, everyone is looking at me like I am in the wrong, like I caused this.

I am the bad guy in the relationship. That is how David is going to tell it and that is what people are going to believe.

So I guess my plan for now is to just live, to concentrate on living, to try to remember why I should go on living. To remind myself that being alive is a good thing and to try my hardest to not just die.

So confused.

I have no idea what to think right now. First David said that he wants me to leave him and was talking about the possibility of a divorce. Then all day today and yesterday he is loving, attentive and caring. I have no idea what to think. I do know that I am getting whiplash from his mood swings.

I had individual counseling last Wednesday and it was suggested that I treat David worse than how he had been treating me. All day Friday I was like David. Moody, non-communicative, and I moped around the house. I didn't speak unless he spoke to me and I never interacted with him unless he initiated it. Saturday he was more affectionate and started speaking to me.

Saturday a friend of mine told me he was in love with me and I showed the conversation to David. He got really quiet and wanted time alone. After about an hour he came up, gave me a hug and said he loved me. Then he got online and started looking at houses that he thought I would like. He was basically planning our future again.

When I told him I was confused that he was doing that, he shrugged. When I asked why he said that we need to plan where we were going to be when he got out of the Army.

I have NO IDEA what he is doing. I have no idea what he is thinking. I just wish he could be one way and make up his mind. I am tired of this tug of war game he is playing.

No words.

David and I had our first counseling session today. Again, he said he wanted me to leave, that he didn't care if the marriage fell apart and admitted that he has cheated on me before the marriage and throughout the entire marriage.

The counselor was not even sure if we should continue with the counseling because of how uncaring David was. She said that she doesn't see in him any effort to try to work on the relationship and did not know if it will be effective at all.

She is also in agreement that his lack of caring is because of the medications and that even though he has cheated on me for so long he does care (about me, not the marriage). Her words were "somewhere in your heart you care, otherwise you wouldn't be here". I am not so sure he does care. I am not sure he CAN care. I am starting to think he is a sociopath.

I am starting individual counseling for myself tomorrow. I am not sure how that will work since right now all I want to do is die. It is so hard for me to not pick up my bottle of pills and just lay down to sleep forever.

It is so hard to think of life without him. I started looking at places to live and trying to see what the job market is like and it is hard for me to even just look. I try to hard to show no emotions while he is around but when he is gone it is all I can do to not cry.

Why am I so unlovable?

The End of My Marriage.

Dear David,

Our marriage is over. It was probably doomed from the start. No, we are not divorced, we are not even separated yet but regardless, our marriage is over. Although I am still with you physically, emotionally I am gone. I have moved on. No longer do I see you in my future, instead I just see me.

I may be a broken person now, I may be frightened of being alone again but I will survive. I will heal and, in time, I will be happy again. You, I think, will never heal. You will never be happy because you will never learn from your mistakes. You will never grow and realize that your mistakes do not have to define who you are.

I believe that people choose who they are going to be. You choose to be a cheater, a liar, a selfish man. Perhaps not selfish with monetary things, but with your emotions, time, affections. All the things that make relationships work, you are selfish with. You chose to be a man who emotionally abuses his wife. Who isolates his wife from everyone so that she has NO ONE, not even her husband.

In our relationship it has always been me giving you everything you need, love, support, encouragement. I spent so much time trying to build up your self image, trying to help you to see how amazing you could be. I spent so much time showing you my love, not just saying it with words but by how I treated you. In our relationship you just took, and took, and took. You rarely ever gave, and when you did give, it was to other women. I know that once and awhile you tried, I appreciate that you tried those few times, but it was maybe a handful of times in our entire marriage.

You spend so much time looking for greener pastures that you don't realize that you are killing what you already have. I know that I am not perfect and I know that I have made mistakes in the marriage. The difference is that when you told me something I was doing that you didn't like, I changed. I adapted my behavior and modified my attitude. I learned how to be a better wife to you based on your feedback to me. You didn't change for the positive.

You spend hours and hours talking with other women. Text messages, phone calls, facebook. Hours of time where you are more attentive to them, you are a better husband to women you are not even married to. Rarely did you stop and try to spend those hours on making your marriage better. You are so focused on other women that you have killed your marriage.

What you do not understand, even though I have told you, is that you change when you are talking to other women. You become a different man. You are no longer the man I loved. You haven't been that man in a long time. You say that you are this way because you feel nothing but despair and rage and I think you feel nothing but despair and rage because you are so guilty because of who you choose to be.

You had such amazing potential as a man. You could of been an amazing husband but chose instead to be who you now are. You are a cheater and I deserve better than that.

I will stay with you, physically, for now. I have no option at this point. I am ashamed that I have let you turn me into a victim. I will stay while I save up money so that when I do leave I will have options.

I know that you will move on quickly. You probably are already making plans to be with someone else once you get back to Tennessee. I also know that the woman you are talking to are also cheating on their partners with you. Perhaps if you are in a relationship with them and they cheat on you, you will realize the pain and hurt that you have inflicted on me. I will not hold my breath for that.





Laura,

I am not sure if you read this or not. It has been such a long time since I wrote anything in here you have probably forgotten I have this. If you DO read this, please, please, do not say anything to David. I know that me using him to save up money is wrong, I am ashamed that I have to do that but I have not worked in so long and it is impossible for me to work here because of transportation. I just need to be able to have money saved up so I CAN find work once I get back to the mainland. I am sorry that it seems I am taking advantage of your brother but I really don't see any alternative.

I loved having you as family. I don't really have a family that I want to associate with and when I met David's family and they accepted me I was so happy. I am not only loosing my husband but also my family so please do not be too mad at me.

I am sorry that I wasn't enough to make your brother happy.

Some various updates.

Well, David is home and back to work. I am back to work on the weekends and at the end of the month will be during the week as well. Things are going well and we are getting to know each other again.

I started taking Clomid which is a fertility treatment. David and I are going to try to have a baby. I have finished my second cycle (month) out of the six I am allowed and so far no results. On a positive note, the first cycle I did not ovulate and this last cycle I DID ovulate. That is good news :)

While we discussed having a family we decided that my car (a two door coop) was not the best choice for babies so we decided to trade it in for a Chevrolet Sonic. David liked the car so much that he went ahead and traded his SUV in for another Sonic. Our payments worked out to be about the same so that is good. Plus now we both have cars that we love and that will be great if we have a family. 

David and I went to the last ball. I was not impressed with the food but the location was a lot better than last year. I also LOVED my dress this year. I did make a deal with David because he hates dressing up the deal was that he would not have to go to anymore balls if we went to this last one. 

We also got a new puppy, Max! He was born 09/10/11. He has already gotten so big! He is Yoric's shadow, everywhere Yoric goes there is Max. Also he is so smart. I taught him how to shake, sit, lay down and give hi fives. Right now we are working on "hugs". We will see how well that works out.

Getting back into the swing of things.

If someone had told me when David was deployed that I would have a hard time adjusting to him coming home I would of laughed at them! While he was deployed I could not imagine having a hard time adjusting but now that he is here I totally understand what people were talking about.

Since he has been back I have loved spending time with him although I have to admit that it was a struggle at first. I had to get used to being touched again and as odd as that seems it was a difficult at first. I had gone so long by myself that having someone in the house with me and at random times touching me (like my back, or holding my hand) was sooo odd.

Getting back into cleaning for two people is STILL a struggle for me. I had become accustomed to making a mess and cleaning after myself, now I have to clean up after another person. I find myself becoming angry sometimes because of the lack of help, but he was that way before he deployed so I do not know why I am having such a hard time with it now.

Having to account for my time is something else I am not used to. I had gotten used to being able to go wherever, whenever I wanted. Now I have someone who wants to know where I am and when I will be home. It is an adjustment.

I LOVE that David is home, I love spending time with him, but getting back into the swing of things has been a challenge.

ugh!

I am not feeling well today and I am not sure if that is due to me being sick for the last couple of days or if it is my medications. I went to a spine specialist and they put me on pain management medicines that tend to make me tired and I sleep a lot. Last night I missed a dose because I had to take Melanie up to her husbands redeployment ceremony and I did not want to fall asleep. We did not get back until 5a.m. (6a.m. without daylight savings time) so when I got home I went ahead and took my medication. Well, I woke up at 8a.m. and because that is around the time I normally take the meds I went ahead and took them, still sleepy and confused from being woken up and not realizing my mistake. So now I am all sick and nauseous, throwing up and sweaty. I hate these medications.

Thankful.

David has been having a lot of trouble where he is at. He has been getting in trouble and getting "smoked" a lot. He pretty much had given up on doing things write and was being very forgetful and just not wanting to be there. He was even talking about trying to get out of the Army once he got home and he was very depressed and despondent. It seemed that no matter how hard he tried to do right he was always in trouble. He got in trouble again one day for something that was not his fault and another Sargent walked by and saw what was happening again and told David's Sargent to transfer David to his squad. David said that the Sargent did not like the way that David was being treated. David was then transferred to another squad and since then has been doing amazing. His mood has improved. He is no longer a gloomy Gus and his outlook on his career is 100% better.

For the last couple of months (since David starting having so many problems) I have been praying and praying for Heavenly Father to help him out. I told David to pray and one day when I mentioned it he finally told me that he started praying again and reading the scriptures again. Shortly after he started to pray and read he was transferred. I am grateful that the change happened for David and that the prayers were answered.

Back to the squad thing, David mentioned that he felt sorry for one of his old squad mates. I asked why and he said that since he is in a new squad this other guy is getting smoked a lot and is in trouble a lot. The problem with that squad is the guys are letting their rank go to their head and get cheap thrills from torturing the lower ranking guys. It is a shame that happens because it makes the guys not want to do right, it makes them just want to give up and get out of the Army. It does not foster a sense of belonging or of loyalty.

That reminded me of a quote that I really like that I saw on David's new Sargent's FB wall.

"Leadership is solving problems. The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership. "
-Colin Powell

Also, on a happy note (for me) I talked David into going to the ball and because I didn't want him to change his mind I ran out today and bought my dress. That way if he says he does not want to go I can point out that I already spent the money on the dress!!!! haha

Sneaky and dishonest.

I do not like people who are sneaky and dishonest. That pretty much is my entire family so therefore you know I do not like my entire family.

There has been recent drama with my sister and aunt. I heard from a friend to watch out on FB because my sister has a fake profile (under a guys name) that she is using to get information about people who will not speak with her. I think it is sneaky, dishonest, rude and immature. If you want information about someone go to that person and ask. Do not lie about it. So I found out that this fake profile is a "friend" of my little sisters. While her and I are not close, the fact that I did not like that she was being lied to and that I do not agree with how Leslie is getting information, I called her and told her about the fake profile.

I also know that my sister is using the profile to talk to a girl that my aunt's ex husband (Troy) had a baby with after him and Davina (my aunt) got divorced but before they got back together. I was informed that Leslie is writing to this woman in a romantic way, getting close to this woman and that the woman has told the fake profile (Leslie) that she loves him and he (Leslie again) said it back to her. I feel that this is very hateful and hurtful to do to a person so I feel like I should write to all of the friends on this fake profile and let them know it is actually Leslie doing it. I also feel like I should send a message to Leslie via the fake profile letting her know that I emailed the people and I think what she is doing is shady.

One of the only reasons I do not do it (but I am seriously thinking about doing it) is that if I do that, the woman that had Troy's baby will get back in the middle of Troy and Davina's relationship, saying that Davina played a part in the lie. While I do not like Troy it is not my place to mess with their relationship. I feel like if I did email the friends on this fake profile then something happened in their relationship I would be responsible and I do not want to be responsible for causing trouble in anyone's relationship.

Oh, what to do, what to do????

...

The time is almost here where David will be home from deployment. There is already a ball scheduled for January and David informed me that he did not want to go. I went to Salina with Nikki the other day to look for a dress so she and her husband to go and since I was there I tried on a dress I liked. I feel in love with it. I actually felt like a beautiful person in the dress instead of a ball of nastiness. I really wanted to get the dress and go to the ball because I felt like a princess (something that has never happened before). David still said no. *sighs* oh well.

OMG!

Today, for giggles, I decided to take my measurements to find my correct bra size. It seems no matter what bra I buy it never fits right. So I got my measuring tape out and this is the conclusion

Band = 39
Bust = 50

So based on the calculations I am supposed to be either a 38J or a 40J! No wonder I have problems finding a bra that fits me, most stores only sell up to a DD.

SMH

Loaded with taste?

I recently went grocery shopping (gasp!) and picked up some cans of soup. With the promise of being "loaded with taste" and my appetite actually being present I was looking forward to having some yummy soup. I open the can, pour the soup in the pan, patiently wait for it to warm up and finally am able to put some in a bowl to enjoy. I sit down at the table loaded up with my bowl of soup, napkin, spoon, crackers and glass of ice water. I take a spoonful, greatly anticipating this soup that is "loaded with taste". I take my first bite and it taste like I am eating a spoonful of salt water. I was so upset.

When did being loaded with taste, or tasty or yummy or delicious become the same thing as being chalked full of salt, sugar or a combination of both? When did people start to dislike the taste of real food so much that they thought putting in too much salt to overpower the taste of the food was a good thing? Great, just when I start wanting to eat after years of not having an appetite the food is blah. :(

*sobs*

So I don't know if it is from being sick, missing David or trying to decide what to do but for whatever reason I find myself crying. A lot. I saw a commercial on T.V. that was advertising alcohol and I cried because of the image it gives little ones. I watched a horror movie and cried because the people got killed. I looked at my pretty socks and just sat there and cried and I have no idea why.

I kinda wish I had someone around that I can talk to but there is no one.

blah

I am sick, again. I have missed three days of school so far and with classes being so condensed and the cycles so short I may not be able to catch up with all three of the classes. I am considering just dropping the classes because I still feel really bad and will most likely not make it to school tomorrow as well. :(

I don't know if being sick is because of stress or if it is because it is simply going around again. I am not sure at this point if I even care WHY I am sick, just that I am.

Today is the 5th day that I have not been able to speak with David. I asked him (the last time I spoke with him) to call me if he is not going to have internet but so far he has not. I don't know if it is because he does not have service where he is (he has his cell phone) or if he just does not want to call. What I do know is that I miss hearing his voice.

Right v.s. Easy.

Often I find myself having to make a choice between something that is right, or that is easy. It is so tempting sometimes to just go with the easy choice. Less stress, less headache, less heartache. It would be so easy to just get up and walk away from everything. To just say "forget it". To do the right thing is sometimes hard. It requires work, sometimes tears, pain and even faith. Faith that even though doing the right thing may be hard, it is right and good. Sometimes I just wish other people were more inclined to do the right thing instead of being selfish.

My pretty socks.

OK. Yes, I have an obsession right now with my socks. I like my socks. When I am down I look at my bright and colorful socks and cheer up a little bit.

My Favorite!!!

My second Favorite!

I don't like these as much but they still make me smile.

In school there are about 5 people who ask me what socks I am wearing every day I see them. They always smile and/or laugh when they see my socks. Sloame (a girl in class) says that they help brighten her day as well!

Color Code: BLUE: The Social Butterfly

14% Red, 66% Blue, 20% White and 0% Yellow!

BLUE MOTIVE: Intimacy
BLUE NEEDS: To be good (morally), To be understood, To be appreciated, Acceptance.


BLUE WANTS: To reveal insecurities, Quality, Autonomy, Security.


SUMMARY: Blues are motivated by altruism. They love to do nice things for others. they look for opportunites to give up something in order to bring another person happiness. selflessness rather than selfishness is their guiding philosophy. Blues seek intimacy. They want to be loved and to love. A true blue will sacrifice a successful career to improve an important relationship. Blues crave being understood. They are gratified when they are listened to, when they feel understood and appreciated. Blues may have thier hearts broken more than most people, but they also spend much more time in love. Blues are directed by a strong moral conscience. They have a moral code that guides them in their decision making, their value judgements, and their leisure time. A blue would rather lose than cheat. Ethically, blues are people who should be in positions of power, but seldom are. 




I find this interesting. I took a different version of the test a while back and got White. 

I do not think I am a social butterfly, in fact I tend to avoid people because I do not like a lot of people around me. I agree with most of the summary though.

I wonder what the other colors mean.